


Broken Wings, Shattered Heart

by KendallsCGU



Category: Big Time Rush (TV)
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2021-03-29
Packaged: 2021-04-23 21:28:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 56,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22139278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KendallsCGU/pseuds/KendallsCGU
Summary: The sadness, it lingers; it takes over me. I’m screaming for help, so why can’t you see? The cry of the broken, the cry of the lost – it falls on deaf ears, until I am gone.
Kudos: 11





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, all. This is the first story I’m posting on here, although I have been writing for years on fanfiction.net. If you want to check out my other stories, they are there, under the username BigTimeRush-BTR. I will hopefully get around to posting them on here later on, but for now, I think I’ll just be posting the ones I am currently working on.
> 
> This story is one that is very important to me, but just as a warning, this story will talk about depression, anxiety, panic attacks, self-harm, and eating disorders (more specifically, anorexia), so please just be careful.
> 
> I hope you enjoy.

He reached for the door, right tan hand pushing against its solid surface. He allowed the shorter brunette and the blond to walk out before following close behind, all the while doing his best to hold back the tears that he could barely restrain. Logan - the shorter brunette - stared at him for a moment with concern sketched all over his pale face. Kendall, the blond and unofficial leader of the small, not-quite-complete group of best friends, had his gaze turned to the ground, hands stuffed into his jeans' front pockets. James sighed, running a hand through his disheveled brown hair. Normally, he would be upset over having messed up hair, but not today. Not when there was so much on his mind. Not when his other best friend - his brother - was lying on a hospital bed, fighting for his life.

"This cannot be happening," James muttered, tears gathering in his eyes and making his vision blurry. "I can't... It just can't be happening."

Kendall bit his lip, stretching out an arm and pulling James into a hug. He stretched out his other arm, signaling with his free hand for Logan to get nearer. When he did, he pulled him close and buried his face against the soft tufts of hair that covered his best friend's head. He willed himself not to cry. He couldn't cry, not in front of them. He had to be strong. Even if he was the youngest and often wanted to seek the comfort of others, he just couldn't allow the tears to fall. He had to be strong for all three of them, even if it killed him in the inside.

"He's going to be okay, guys. We'll make sure of it. As soon as he's out of here we will not allow him to hurt again."

"You can't stop someone from hurting, Kendall," Logan said, looking up at the blond with doe-like brown eyes. "You can try... we can try to protect him, but no one is ever one hundred percent safe from being in pain."

"I know, Logan," Kendall said, a bit agitated. "But I will not allow him to hurt so much again."

Logan bit his bottom lip and gave a small nod, letting his head rest against Kendall's shoulder for a moment. He then looked up, staring at James with a quizzical look, but the younger brunette did not seem to notice. He was staring blankly into space; face unreadable. His brown eyes turned to Kendall after a few seconds, meeting his warm green eyes. He offered him a smile, one that was visibly forced. Kendall did not smile back. He simply rubbed his shoulder in a comforting manner with his hand and placed a kiss to the top of his head. A stranger would have most likely misjudged the small gesture, but to them it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. James, Kendall and Logan - and Carlos, of course - were all very close, so to them it wasn't anything strange. It was a gesture of affection, and Kendall only hoped that it would comfort the brunette in a time like this.

"James?"

Logan didn't know when it was that he had opened his mouth, but as the name slipped from his lips, he realized that it was he who had said his best friend's name. The taller boy looked down, eyes teary, lips trembling... Everything about him seemed broken.

"Hmm?" he asked, or more like hummed in response.

"Are you okay, James?" he asked softly.

"I'm fine," was James' reply, and before Logan or Kendall could question him any further, he had pulled away from the hug and started walking off towards their parked car. Logan let out a dry sob as he felt Kendall pull him impossibly closer. He allowed the other teen to guide him towards their car. James was already seated on the driver's seat. He had a tight grip on the steering wheel, knuckles white from the force. Kendall guided Logan to the back section of the car and opened up the door so that Logan could climb inside.

"James, are you sure you want to drive? Because I'll drive if you can't-"

"It's fine. Keep Logie company," James answered, not even turning to look at him.

"Okay," Kendall mumbled back, right before climbing into the back with Logan and wrapping a protective arm around his shoulders. The dark haired brunette curled up against his side, tucking his head under Kendall's chin and closing his eyes. He wasn't the kind of person to seek comfort. If anything, he always tried to hide his emotions, much like Kendall and James. He wasn't like Carlos. The little Latino wasn't very good at hiding his emotions... at least, that's what everybody thought. But now, all of them were beginning to question that, because today, they had realized that that wasn't true at all.

It is sometimes the happiest people, the ones who go out of their way to lift others' spirits, that are the ones who hurt more than anyone... in silence.

All of the boys coped with pain in different ways. Logan would cope by drowning himself in books, writing, any activity that would distract him from the pain. James would isolate himself from everyone and pretend he was perfectly fine when it was obvious that he wasn't. Kendall would distract himself by attending to everyone else's every need, offering others a shoulder to cry on, even when he so desperately wanted the same thing himself. And Carlos... Carlos hid it, hid it well. Too well, now that Logan thought about it.

"I'm such an idiot."

Kendall's voice broke everyone out of their thoughts. Logan froze as soon as the younger boy's four-word sentence registered in his brain. James sighed and turned around, shaking his head from side to side.

"No, Kendall. We are not going to play the blame game. If you even think about saying that this is all your fault, then I suggest for you to not even open your mouth and stop thinking like that. Would he want you to be blaming yourself?"

"You don't understand, James. You don't get it! I should have n-noticed..."

Logan winced, feeling the way Kendall shook slightly as the tears finally rolled down his cheeks. He felt paralyzed. Kendall never cried. The only time he had ever seen him cry was when he was ten years old and his father had dared to walk out on his family. But other than that, never.

Without thinking, Logan wrapped his arms around the boy's slim waist, squeezing him tightly. "Don't do this, Kendall. Don't blame yourself. The blame rests on all of us, not just you. We should have seen it sooner," he said in a soft voice. Kendall didn't respond. But Logan felt him turn to putty in his hold; crumple up like a beaten up sheet of paper, and for once allow himself to be comforted. James watched the sight with pain-filled eyes, wanting more than anything to break something, because this wasn't fair. This was too much pain; too much to take in in one day.

Crawling over the front seat, the tall brunette climbed onto the back seat, pulling the two broken boys close, and finally, finally allowed the tears to cascade down his cheeks like a waterfall. Pain demands to be felt, and sometimes one can't help but allow it to take control, coursing through their body the way a snake's venom flows through one's veins.

Nothing hurts more than seeing someone you love in pain... or seeing them attempt to take their own life because of it.


	2. Chapter 1

The bell rings, signaling that the end of the class is over, but due to the thoughts that are currently plaguing my mind, I don't even acknowledge it. It's not until I feel a tap on my shoulder and I hear someone calling my name, that I turn around, meeting hazel eyes. It's James. The rest of the class has already left, but Kendall and Logan are standing in the doorway, waiting for the two of us, I assume. I gather my things and shove my pencil and my unfinished classwork paper into my backpack in a hurry, not bothering to hand it in to Miss Collins.

"Aren't you going to give Miss Collins your paper?" Logan asks in a hushed whisper as he nears the two of us. A feeling of nervousness courses through my body, making me grow still and my heartbeat to quicken.

"I'm... I'll just give it to her on Monday. Hand it in late, you know? I'm sure she won't mind," I say, even though deep down, I know that that won't be the case. It'll probably just stay there in my backpack, getting buried and crumpled up by other papers and my notebooks. I don't bother with homework anymore. It should bother me, it really should, but it doesn't. I know that it is important, and that I should do it, but I just have no motivation or will to get it done. I procrastinate too much, and I do it well. Despite the nagging voice in my head, telling me to do it, I have no energy. It's like the simplest things are now the most difficult to do. And the difficult things have become near impossible to accomplish.

"Alright... I really hope so, because last time you said that, you didn't even bother to do it and then ended up in detention," he warns me. I can tell from the tone of his voice that he doesn't believe me, or does not believe that I will follow through with my word.

"We should get going," Kendall says, making us all turn to look at him. "I don't know about you guys, but I've had enough with being here for seven hours straight."

Logan rolls his eyes and James chuckles. I nod my head and follow him out the door along with the others. We all walk over to the elevator located in the lobby, and James presses the button for the second floor. I lean my back against the elevator's wall as the doors close and it starts ascending to our destination. It doesn't take very long for the doors to open back up, and before long, we are in Apartment 2J.

"Hey guys."

I turn my head around, having not seen Katie sitting on the bar counter, since I had made a mad dash to mine and James' shared bedroom as soon as we were inside. I wave at her quickly and rush to the place that I like to call my little asylum—whenever I'm by myself, that is.

I let my body flop down on my bed, having left my backpack on the floor. I stare at it from where I'm lying, sadness enveloping me. I know it'll probably be left discarded on the floor until the very next day. The reason I don't bother with my schoolwork anymore, is because I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never succeed. I'm reminded of that every time I get a low grade on a quiz or a test, every time Logan goes on about getting straight A's. It's not his fault, though. He's so smart, and he deserves the grades he is given. But compared to him, I might as well not even try.

"Hey, there you are." I roll my head to the side, meeting James' gaze. He walks to his bed and sits down, facing me. "The guys and I were gonna go buy something to eat. You wanna tag along?" he asks me. I stay quiet for a moment, contemplating what to say next. Despite feeling completely drained out of energy, I mutter a quiet "sure" and roll out of bed and onto my feet. James smiles and we both walk out, meeting Logan and Kendall in the living room.

"Hey, Los." Kendall smiles at me, before turning his attention back to the wallet he's holding in his hands. "Alright, so I have twenty dollars, which isn't really much, but I think it's enough to get us something. What do you guys wanna have?"

"Pizza?" James asks. Logan agrees with him, Kendall humming in response. He turns to me, and it is then that I realize that all three of my best friends have turned their attention towards me. I blush under their gaze and nod my head.

"Yeah, pizza sounds great," I respond, even though eating is the least of my concerns right now.

"Pizza it is then." We all turn to leave, but Kendall stops in his tracks, remembering Katie. "Katie, do you want some pizza?!" he shouts, since the small brunette has most likely locked herself in her room. I hear Katie shout a loud "yes," and next thing I know, she's standing besides us.

"Leaving without me, huh?" she asks playfully.

"Oh yes, how shall I forget my dear, annoying little sister?" Kendall grins, pulling her into a hug and ruffling her hair. I hear her groan and I watch as she tries to get away by tickling him. Kendall shrieks and pushes her lightly. I smile at the interaction, but I can't help but feel a pang of envy in the pit of my stomach. Kendall and Katie's relationship is something I had always wished I'd have. Something I'd never have.

I must sound like a selfish, inconsiderate jerk, and there are a lot of times when I do think I am one. But if you lived without a sibling for all of your life, wanting to have someone there to share the good times and the bad, but not having anyone, you'd know why it is that I feel this way. I have nothing against the two. Kendall and Katie are adorable, but I do wish that I had that growing up. It would have most likely made things a lot more bearable.

I plaster a smile on my face and follow everyone out of the apartment. Logan starts up a conversation with Katie, and I hear Kendall and James talking about what kind of topping they want on their pizza. I zone everybody out, not even paying attention to where I am going. It's one of those moments in which you know where you're headed, but aren't really paying attention to where your feet are taking you. It's kind of like my subconscious is telling me where to go, as my mind travels to other places.

We walk to a pizzeria that is only a couple of blocks from the Palm Woods. On the way there, we all start talking about our plans for the weekend, and even though I don't really have any, I tell the others that I'm planning to do some reckless stunt that I will most likely not even do. Luckily, it is enough to get them off my back. It's something that the old Carlos would have said, so of course, it does not spark any suspicion. And if there was any to begin with, it diminishes it.

I say "the old Carlos," because I don't feel like I am the person I once was. I used to always be so carefree, happy-go-lucky, and filled with adrenaline. As other people would have put it, I used to be a very bubbly person; the kind that never lets anything bring them down. But now? Now I am quite the opposite. I rarely smile, and when I do, it's forced. I'm always sad and down—I might even go as far as calling it depressed, considering how bad it is. I'll have moments in which I do feel a spark of happiness, but it never lasts long. It's like there's always something bringing me down. The dumbest and most insignificant things make my mood plummet, to be honest. I'm simply not myself anymore, and I hate it for so many reasons.

I feel trapped, I feel lost—I feel like I'm living inside a cage; like an animal from the zoo, and everybody else is going on with their lives, having no idea what is going on with me in the inside. I'm broken, seeking for help. But how can I find it, when I keep the fact that I need it, a secret?


	3. Chapter 2

"What kind of topping do you want on your pizza, Carlos?"

I shift in my seat, turning to look at Kendall, who is sitting across from James. James is to my left and Logan is sitting across from me, Katie in between Kendall and Logan.

"I, uhh..." I can feel their eyes on me once more, and in that moment, it feels like the little space between where James is sitting and the wall to my right, is decreasing in size. It feels like I'm being suffocated; like it's all caving in. I can't even think straight.

I rack my brain for a response, blurting out the first thing that comes to my mind and putting on a smile. "Pepperoni," I say uneasily. Kendall nods his head and gets up, walking over to order the pizza. I turn my attention away from him and turn to look at my two brunette friends and Katie, giving them a questioning look when I find that they are still staring at me. "What?"

"You just seem... off," Logan responds, "not to mention that you look a little pale. Are you feeling alright?" I can see the concern in his eyes, and it does nothing but make me feel guilty for worrying him. I feel James lay a hand on my shoulder. I subconsciously jump, not expecting the physical contact. He gives me a worried look too. I want nothing more than for the earth to swallow me whole.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired, is all," I respond. "I'll go to bed early. I'm sure that'll help," I say, though knowing me, that will most likely not happen. I can't sleep at night. My thoughts won't allow me to do so. They're bad during the day, but it is at night when they bother me the most. Sleep is not something that comes easily, which causes me to be exhausted during the day. It's not a nice feeling; having to go about your day, feeling like you're going to drop unconscious any second. It's draining, to say the least.

"Alright," Logan says. I turn my gaze to the table, not wanting to meet his eyes. I can still feel them on me. I feel James remove his hand from my shoulder, and soon, the two start talking—the topic being something about pineapple pizza being gross, Katie disagreeing with them. I kind of block out their voices, or try to, at least. All this talk about food is making me nauseous, and I wish that they would stop.

As if things couldn't get any worse, Kendall returns shortly, carrying plates with pizza slices. He sets mine in front of me. I feel my stomach do flip-flops just at the sight of it. I reach for one with my hand, watching as the other boys start eating with no problem. I force myself to take a bite and pass it down, not wanting them to question me any further. It takes a while for me to finish one slice of pizza, and by the time I finish it, I find that I am full. Unfortunately, I still have three slices in front of me. I don't know what to do with them. The mere thought of eating any more has my nerves skyrocketing.

"Um, James, can you scoot over a bit? I'm gonna ask if I can get a take-out box," I say. The taller boy gives me an odd look. "What's wrong?"

"You only ate a slice," he points out. I mentally slap myself, not even knowing what to say to him. "At least eat another one."

I nod my head and grab another slice. I don't know how I manage to do so, but eventually, I manage to finish it. James scoots out of his seat and offers to get the take-out box for me. I nod in response and thank him when he hands it to me.

"Are you sure you're feeling okay?" Logan asks. Sometimes I really hate how much he worries and how easily he can detect when something is wrong. I smile at him as we walk out of the pizzeria, hoping he'll believe the next words that fly out of my mouth.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Guess I'm just tired because of school," I say. Logan nods, but I'm not sure he believes me. If I were him, I wouldn't. I'm far from what most would refer to being okay, but he doesn't need to know that. No one does. I don't want anyone to know—it would just be a weight on their shoulders; a burden of some sort. If there's one thing I hate more than cruel people, it's being a burden to others. I would honestly rather suffer in silence, than have people worrying about me 24/7. I can take care of myself. I'll be fine. At least, that's what I keep telling myself over and over, and I've started to believe it.

"Hurry up, you slowpokes! You're gonna get left behind!" Kendall shouts from a few yards away. Sure enough, he, James and Katie are pretty far from us. I run to catch up with them, Logan following suit. It's not until I have finally caught up with them, that I feel a feeling of dizziness take over me. I grab onto Kendall's shoulder, trying to steady my balance. My vision blurs for a second, and I can't help but allow a feeling of panic to drape over me.

"Carlos?" Kendall asks. I shake my head, managing to shake away the dizziness. "You okay...?" He stops walking, turning to the other three. "Guys, go on ahead, we'll catch up with you guys in a second." Logan and James nod reluctantly and start walking away. Katie follows them, but not before shooting a worried glance in my direction. Kendall and I keep walking, but at a slower pace.

"You okay?" he asks again. He turns to me as he walks, green eyes filled with worry. Out of the three, he had been the one to not seem so concerned. I was hoping he wouldn't think anything was wrong, but I guess that was a little bit too much to ask for. When it comes to the ones he loves, he worries, a lot—more so than Logan. James worries too, but out of the three, Kendall's the one who's always keeping an eye on everyone, making sure everything is going smoothly. And once he sees that something is wrong, he doesn't let it slip.

"Like I told Logan and James, I'm just tired. There's no need for you to worry," I answer him, feigning a smile.

"I'm just... worried. You've seemed really tired for a while now, more so lately than ever. I just want to make sure you're okay." He looks kind of hurt. It makes me feel guilty. "Besides, I have every right to worry. You are my best friend, after all."

"It should be the other way around," I mumble under my breath, hoping he didn't hear me.

"What?" He stops walking and stands in front of me, confusion clear on his face. "What do you mean it should be the other way around?"

I sigh, running a hand through my black tufts of hair. "You shouldn't be worrying about me. I'm the oldest. I should be worrying about you, about all three of you," I say, regretting it as soon as the words spill from my lips.

"We're brothers," Kendall whispers, and if he looked hurt before, he looks a lot more hurt now. "It doesn't matter if you're the oldest and I'm the youngest; I'm still going to worry about you, because I care about you." His words should be comforting, but they're not in the slightest. "It hurts that you'd think otherwise."

There it is—the guilt. It hits me full-force. Of course, he doesn't know it, and frankly, that's how I want it to stay.

"I know. You have nothing to worry about, though. If something was wrong, I'd let you know," I lie.

"You promise?" the blond asks. I swallow the lump that's grown in my throat and push my feelings of guilt to the side, smiling despite the feeling of sadness that has settled upon me.

"I promise."


	4. Chapter 3

When we get to the apartment, I place my left over pizza into the refrigerator, knowing that if I don't eat it, one of the boys most likely will. Mrs. Knight is in the kitchen cooking dinner, not having known that we had gone out for pizza. I sigh as I walk towards my room, hoping that I can get out of eating dinner with everybody else.

"Hey, wanna go down to the pool?" Kendall pops his head into the room. I groan from where I'm lying on my bed and shake my head.

"Nah, I'm good. You go ahead. I'm kind of tired."

"Alright..." Kendall ducks out of the room. I roll over onto my side and stare out the window. It's a great day to be outdoors; sunny, cloudless, but I have no desire to go out. I have no desire to do anything, to be honest. I wasn't lying when I told Kendall that I was tired. I am tired, but that's nothing out of the ordinary. I'm always tired, whether it be physically or emotionally.

I have this feeling that the boys are starting to catch on and suspect that something is wrong with me. Even Katie seems to suspect something, but that doesn't surprise me—Katie is quite mature and observant for her age.

I wish I could vanish into thin air, that way no one would have to worry about me. I'm just a stupid, immature waste of space. I bet they'd be better off without me... Everyone would be better off without me.

I'm itching for a blade. Longing to feel the cold metal against my skin. It's not something I do often, but lately the idea hasn't left my mind. I use it as a way to punish myself, just like starving myself. I know neither of the two methods of self-harming will do me any good; I know it's only hurting me. But my mind... My mind's convinced itself that I need to do it—that I need to punish myself for my mistakes. Even if it's wrong, even if it harms me... Starving myself and slicing my wrists makes me feel like I'm in control. It probably makes me sound crazy, and maybe I am. But I'm so broken. So tired of everything.

I force myself to stand up and walk over to the door. I push it closed and let my back slide against it. I don't know how much longer I can do this; hold up the façade and act like everything is fine when it is nowhere near fine. There's a part of me that wishes that someone would realize what's wrong with me and help me out of this hole I have dug myself. But then there's another part of me—the more stubborn part—that wants the complete opposite. It's the part of me that fears what others will think, fears there's no way out of this, fears everything and nothing all at once.

"Stupid." I tug at my hair until it hurts so much that I can no longer take it. I dig my nails into my scalp and let my tears fall, no longer caring if anyone hears me. I feel so stupid for crying over nothing. That's the thing about depression—sometimes you don't need a reason to be depressed, it just hits you out of the blue and messes with you, until you can't take it anymore. It makes me feel so pathetic and selfish. I can't help but think that there are people out there, who are going through so much more pain than I am, and here I am, upset over stuff that doesn't matter. It's so selfish of me.

Sniffling, I get up and collapse on my bed. I grab my pillow and press it against my face, succeeding in muffling the scream that escapes my lips. The tears soak into the pillow, but I could honestly care less. My body is shaking so bad, not only from how hard I'm crying, but also from the fact that I have not slept properly in days. It should worry me—I know it's not normal and not a good sign, but it doesn't worry me in the slightest.

I've gotten to the point in which I no longer feel like myself. I feel lost. In a way, I feel like I am a shadow of my former self. I wish I knew how to find myself, but I don't. It's like I'm at a war with myself. No way out, there's no way out.

I don't know how much time I spend crying into my pillow, but eventually exhaustion takes over and I end up passing out. When I wake up, it's to the feeling of someone shaking my shoulder and calling my name.

"Carlos, wake up, dinner's ready."

I freeze before even opening my eyes. When I do, Logan is sitting beside me on the bed, his hand still on my shoulder. "Wha?" I groggily respond as I rub the sleep away from my eyes. Logan gives me a sympathetic smile and gets up.

"Dinner's ready. Mama Knight said to let you sleep in, but I figured I'd wake you up, since you didn't eat that much earlier," he says.

"I'm not hungry," I lie, even though I am, but the thing is, I don't want to eat. Logan frowns at my response and moves closer to the bed. He reaches for my forehead, but I smack his hand away. "I'm not sick, Logan. I'm just not hungry."

"But you're always hungry." That one sentence has the power to make my heart drop. I know he probably didn't mean it in a bad way, but the way my mind works, I can't help but take it in a whole other direction. "You never reject a meal. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine." It's probably the biggest lie I can say in this moment, but I'll do anything to have him not worry. "Can you just save me some and I'll eat it later?" I put on my best puppy dog eyes, hoping he'll give in.

"Yeah, sure. I'll leave it in the refrigerator. But you better eat later, okay?"

One look at his warning gaze and I know he's serious. "Okay. Thanks, Logie." I put on the biggest smile I can force upon my lips and watch him leave the room. As soon as he does, my lame attempt of a smile completely crumbles and I break down in tears. I'm so screwed, and I know it well.


	5. Chapter 4

Here's the thing about depression—as hard as you try to brush it off or push it to the side, it's pretty much near impossible to do so. It's like a shadow that follows you everywhere. Even though you cannot see it, you just know that it's there, and that at any given opportunity, it will make itself present, whether it be invited or not.

And sure, people will say that they are used to the feeling of utter sadness and emptiness that takes over them on a daily basis, but it's not something you can really get used to. The pain still hurts, the sadness still takes over, the walls still close in on you, making it seem like you're suffocating. But maybe, that's because you are. You're fighting a battle, against your own demons. They either kill you or the world does; there's no outlet. At least, that's what it feels like to someone who has no hope left in them.

"It's all in your head," people will say, making you feel like a fool; making you feel like you are delusional. And maybe, it is in your head, but not in the way one might think. The voices, the whispers, the thoughts are all you, but they're also words that have accumulated from your past. It's not something you can vanish with the push of a button. A lot of people seem to think that that's the case. Of course, it's hard to understand something you've never experienced. But people will be rude about it, and tell you things like, "Just be happy, it's not that hard."

It is that hard. It's so freaking hard. It's so hard to be happy when your thoughts are nothing but dark. People choose to put on a mask for a variety of different reasons. Whether it be, because they don't want to appear weak, they don't want others to worry, they don't want pity, they don't want to be taken advantage of—we all have a reason.

For instance, I act like my happy-go-lucky self, because it's all I've ever known, and because I in no way want the others to worry about me. I don't want to be seen as a burden—as someone who needs to be looked out for. It's hard enough being the smallest, the most accident-prone, the reckless.

Lately though, acting like my old self has been getting harder and harder to do. I've started to not care about anything, and the thought of that alone terrifies me. At the same time, I'm not doing anything to put a stop to it. It's like there's two sides of me; the one that cares too little, and the one that cares too much, and so far, the one that cares too little has taken the upper-hand.

It's a terrifying feeling—knowing that you're spiraling out of control. There are days when I stop and wonder where I went wrong; days when I hold the blade to my skin and realize that it is wrong. But the thought vanishes as soon as it appears—it doesn't always stop me.

I'm terrified of the boys finding out about my dilemma. They would all worry for sure. I don't even want to think about how they would react. Of course, what I want to think about and what I do think about, are two very different things. I often spend a lot of time thinking about what I don't want to think about. Like about how Logan's anxiety would increase drastically, if he had to watch out for me. Or how James would push his daily routines aside, in order to make sure I didn't do anything to hurt myself. Or how about the way Kendall would pace back and forth, feeling like a failure for not having seen it sooner? You'd think that that would be enough to stop me from self-harming, from starving myself, that it would fix all my problems. But in all honesty, it only makes me feel worse about myself. It makes me feel like I've not only failed myself but them as well.

I hear a light knock on the door, pulling me out of my thoughts. In one swift movement, I place the blade under my pillow and pretend to be asleep. I hear footsteps behind me, two pairs to be exact.

"He's seemed off lately," I hear Kendall whisper. "Do you think maybe he's sick?" The question hangs in the air for a few seconds, before another voice makes itself present.

"Could be, but I don't think so. Logan said it might be exhaustion, and considering how much Gustavo has been making us work, that's probably it." It's James' voice. I can almost picture Kendall nodding in agreement.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," he says, but I can hear the hesitation in his tone. He sounds as if he's lost in thought.

"You worry too much, Ken," James whispers. If only he knew the truth. "Carlitos will be fine and back to his giddy self in no time, you'll see."

I don't know about that...

"Have you ever known me to not worry?" A pause. "When we were walking home, he said something—something that caught me off-guard."

"What did he say?" James asks. I freeze inwardly, dreading the next words that will spill from Kendall's lips.

"He said that I shouldn't be worrying... That because he was the oldest, he was the one that should be worrying about us, and not the other way around."

"That's a crappy excuse not to worry," James responds, and it's not like I don't know that he's right. Because I know. Deep down I do know.

"So, I told him that that didn't change anything." Kendall sighs, obviously irritated. "You're right, he's probably fine, just tired. I'm kind of tired myself. I think I'm going to head to bed early. We do have to be in the studio early in the morning."

"Alright, goodnight, buddy."

"Goodnight."

I hear Kendall's footsteps slowly fade as he walks out of the room. I can't really tell what James is doing, considering my back is turned towards him, but within seconds, the lamplight in between our beds gets turned off and I hear him climb into bed. Within minutes, I hear him softly snoring. It's not until then, that I allow my tears to escape.

I'm forced to bury my face against my pillow to muffle my sobs. It's nothing new; it's a daily routine. I'm used to it, but as I mentioned before, it doesn't make the pain lessen in the slightest. It still hurts—my heart aches, literally. It's a horrible feeling, one that I would not wish upon my worst enemy.

Climbing out of bed, I grab the blade and make my way to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. It is with no hesitation that I slash the blade against my skin and watch blood pool around the new wound. Tears blur my vision, sobs escape my lips. Everything hurts, everything, as I seek a temporary release, even though I know it's wrong. I couldn't be bothered to care anymore.

I'm about ready to give up.


	6. Chapter 5

_ "Stop, stop, stop! This is horrible, I give up!" _

_ The boys all watch as Mr. X exits the dance room, throwing his sunglasses against the wall in the process. He doesn't even turn back to look at them as he leaves, but they don't bother to stop him. It's not the first time he does this—it has happened on multiple occasions in the past, but this time, it's different. He's not irritated because the boys are being their usual goofy selves and refuse to listen to his rules. He left because one of the band members is being very unlike himself and not keeping up with the rest. More specifically, that band member being Carlos. _

_ James sighs and leans his back against the wall, staring forward without uttering one single word. Logan, Kendall and Carlos are still standing side by side in the middle of the room, everything quiet. Until Carlos breaks the silence, that is. _

_ "I'm sorry, guys," he whispers, turning in Kendall and Logan's direction, and then turning back to look at James. "I know I messed up—now Gustavo's going to be mad at all of us." _

_"He's always mad at us," James states as he walks towards the older boy. "We just want to know_ _what's going on, Carlos," he says in a softer tone, his hazel eyes searching Carlos' face for any sign of discomfort or pain._

_ "Nothing's going on, I'm fine—" _

_ Kendall moves to stand in front of him, his hands resting on Carlos' shoulders. "Look me in the eye and tell me that. Tell me you're fine and I'll believe you." _

_ Carlos opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. His eyes are stinging, tears threatening to fall at any moment. He does his best to hold back the sob that he so desperately wants to let out, but he can't. He can't look his best friend in the eye and lie to him. If it was a total stranger, or someone who he wasn't so close to, he would probably be able to, but not Kendall, James or Logan; anyone but them. _

_ The tears fall before he can stop them, and before he knows it, he's being pulled against someone's chest, his heart aching, body trembling, head spinning. Everything seems to come crashing down in that moment, and it all doesn't feel real. _

_ He slowly pulls away from the body and hesitantly looks up, to be met by the face of a clown, instead of that of one of his best friends. He tries to pull away and back down from the figure, but behind him, two other bodies are standing. He's trapped, with no escape. _

_ "You're worthless, you know that?" the first figure spits in his direction as it takes a step towards him and pushes him back. Carlos crashes into the two figures behind him and screams, but nobody comes to his rescue. _

_ Stupid. Ugly. Useless. Disappointment. Weak. Those are all words that are thrown at him by the figures, but he's no stranger to them. After all, they're the ones he hears on a daily basis in his head. _

_ "Please, just leave me alone," he begs as they come closer and closer, until they're suffocating him, choking him, leaving him no air to breathe. _

_ The first clown—which looks an awful lot like James—then reaches forward and wraps its hand around the smaller Latino's neck, squeezing it tightly, until he's gasping for air. He feels like he's dying. Everything around him is fading, black dots beginning to form and gather in his vision...  
_

* * *

Until air is suddenly filling his lungs once more.

Carlos wakes up with a start, only to be met by the darkness that fills his bedroom. Tears are falling down his face at a rapid pace, and his heart is beating at a frantic speed against his chest. He swallows the dryness in his throat and gets up on wobbly legs, turning to face the bed on the other side of the room. James is sound asleep, just like he should be. Everything is fine.

But everything's not fine, not in Carlos' eyes, at least. Because even though he might have woken up from a nightmare, he awoke to another one—a nightmare that is far too real, and one that he cannot awaken from.

He hears James turn around in his sleep, so he hurriedly but silently rushes out of the room. The apartment is completely silent, so he makes sure to not make any noise as he walks out and closes the front door behind him. He needs space, needs time to think, but his thoughts are simply not making sense. Everything is a blur, and he's not even sure how he makes it to the pool area, let alone to the corner of a busy intersection.

The night is quiet and peaceful; the only noise he can really hear is that of crickets chirping in the distance and cars rushing past him. The sky is cloudless, with stars shining from above. Everything seems so nice, but not everything is always as it seems.

He watches the cars pass by, and he knows that if he were to walk in front of the path of one of them, he'd most likely die in an instant, and in that moment, that is all that he really wants. He's tired of life, tired of the stress, tired of not being good enough, tired of his thoughts.

He's done.

One step forward, and he's no longer standing. He barely acknowledges the pain that comes when a car crashes into him full-speed, sending him skidding against the pavement and to lie lifelessly on the concrete.

He doesn't hear the squealing of tires or the sound of a man running to his side and dialing 911, as he does his best to hold himself together. He doesn't hear anything, for the moment his body comes to a stop in the middle of the street, everything has faded away.


	7. Chapter 6

At first, Logan isn't quite sure why it is that he got woken up from his sleep, but it only takes him a few seconds to figure it out. The phone in the apartment is ringing, at almost two in the morning. Confusion leads to fear, because who in their right mind would call at such a late hour? All he can think, is that something might have happened, something bad.

Groggily but in a hurry, he rushes to the living room, where the phone is. By the time he gets there, he's visibly shaking. He takes the phone in his hold and raises it to his ear, shakily saying "hello" into the speaker.

"Hello. Is this the number for the Knights?" the person on the other end questions him.

"Y-Yeah. Who is this...?" the brunette asks, already dreading the answer. He can't help but wonder if something might have happened to someone back home, or even Mrs. Knight, who had been visiting some relatives in Minnesota. From the corner of his eye, he watches as both Kendall and James emerge from the corner that leads to their bedrooms, Katie following right behind them.

"I am from the LA General Hospital," the man says. "I regret to inform you that Carlos Garcia has been taken into the ER—"

"W-What?" Logan asks, not even letting the man finish what he was going to say. His knees are shaking uncontrollably, and he feels like he might pass out any second now. Kendall must notice this, because he steps forward and takes the phone from Logan's hand.

"Who is this?" he asks, watching Logan's face, which looks pale, even more so than usual.

"I am from the LA General Hospital. Who am I speaking to?"

"Kendall," the dirty blond mutters, "Kendall Knight. What's going on?"

The man on the other end sighs, and Kendall's heart feels like it might have stopped, or like maybe the air in his lungs has been trapped. "Carlos Garcia was taken into the ER about fifteen minutes ago. He got hit by a car. We'll give you more information once you're here."

The grip Kendall had on the phone, loosens, and before he knows what's going on, he hears the noise it makes as it lands on the floor. He feels like he might throw up, or pass out—whichever dares to come first. But then he remembers Logan, and he hears James begging him to tell him what's going on. Katie's holding onto James' arm, watching the two boys in front of her with fearful brown eyes.

"Guys, what's going on?" she asks. It is clear by the tone of her voice that she is as afraid as she looks on the outside, maybe even more so.

"C-Carlos, he got h-hit by a car. We gotta get to the hospital."

Everyone stays quiet for a minute, except for Logan, who seems to be trying not to burst into tears in front of them.

"Y-You're joking, right?" James says, and that is when Katie starts to cry, which surprises Kendall, because he hasn't heard his baby sister cry since she was a baby. "Kendall, please tell me you're joking. I swear, if you are, I am going to—"

"I'm not..." Kendall says softly, looking away from the taller brunette, because he can already feel the tears that are threatening to fall. He refuses to cry in front of the guys, much less in front of his baby sister.

James bites his lip, his eyes tearing up. He doesn't speak; he's afraid to do so, in fear that he might break down at any moment.

"We gotta get to the car," Kendall says in an emotionless tone and nods towards Logan. "Where did you last leave the keys?" he asks him, since Logan is the only one who drives the BTR Mobile. He's the only one with a driver's license.

"They're on my desk," the smaller boy says in a small voice. He starts to walk towards their bedroom, but Kendall stops him and goes and gets them himself. It doesn't take him long to return. His heart breaks at the sight before him. Logan and James seem so broken, and Katie can't stop crying. It's an awful sight, one he'd rather not witness at all.

He opens the front door, allowing the others to walk out before him. He follows them in a daze, not really sure of where he's headed, because his thoughts are somewhere else.

When they get to the car, he thinks about having Logan drive them to the hospital, just in case they were to be stopped by a cop, but he decides agains it. He can see the nervousness in Logan's eyes—the boy is extremely shaken up, and Kendall doesn't want to put him through any more stress.

"I'll drive, you get in the back with Katie," he tells him. Logan follows his orders without a single word and gets inside, pulling the younger girl into his arms. James takes a seat on the passenger's side and just stares forward as they pull out, eyes unfocused on his surroundings.

The hospital is not too far from there, so it doesn't take them any longer than ten minutes to arrive. They all climb out and walk in through the glass doors, dreading the news that they'll be given inside.

Kendall nods towards the waiting room. No one even questions him as they take a seat there.

"H-Hi," the blond greets the nurse on the front desk, now shaking from fear. "I'm here for Carlos Garcia." The name sounds foreign in his lips; sounds so out of place, like he shouldn't be saying it, but he is.

The nurse types something into her computer, and then turns back to him. "He's been taken into the ER. The doctor will speak to you as soon as there's any news on him."

Kendall wants to scream. He wants to break something, wants to run and never look back. He feels anger, pain, and sorrow, and quite frankly, he doesn't know what to do with all these emotions. It's like they're begging to be set free, but he won't allow them to.

Instead, he nods and walks away from the front desk, taking a seat in between James and Katie. He turns to the smaller brunette and sees the tears in her eyes, and God, he hates it.

Logan, who is sitting beside her, has his knees pulled up to his chest, his face buried against them. It reminds him too much of the Logan he saw the time they auditioned for Gustavo, only ten times worse.

James has his hands tangled in his hair, his head leaning forward, facing away from everybody else. However, from the quivering of his back, Kendall can tell that he is crying. Kendall wants to hug him—he wants to hug all of them and tell them that things are going to be okay, but he doesn't know how to tell them something, that he isn't even sure of.

He's scared to death—terrified. So he just sits and waits, hoping that news will come their way soon.


	8. Chapter 7

It's almost four in the morning, and Kendall feels like he is going completely insane. He, along with James, Logan, and Katie, are still waiting on news on Carlos, and to put it lightly, he is starting to lose his patience.

To his right, Katie is sitting on the edge of her seat, legs swinging back and forth, and eyes bloodshot from crying. She's staring forward, bangs almost covering the saddened look that is hidden behind her eyes. She looks so fragile and small, and Kendall just wishes that he could take her pain away, in that moment and forever. If there's anything that he can't stand, it is seeing his loved ones hurt, especially his little sister. She's his whole world.

Logan is sitting to Katie's right, his eyes locked on the ticking clock that is hanging on the wall—it's like he thinks that if he stares at it long enough, time will pass by quicker, but Kendall knows that it won't. If anything, it'll make time seem like it's going in slow motion, and maybe, to them it is.

James is, for lack of a better word, not himself. He seems distant and unaware of anything around him. After crying for what seemed like hours, but was probably only about thirty minutes or so, the tall brunette had began pacing back and forth to the side of them, his hands tangled in between brown strands of hair, and that is how he finds himself in that moment.

Kendall is worried beyond belief, not only for Carlos, but also for the others. He knows that out of all of them, James is probably the one who has taken the news the hardest. Just like he and Logan, James seems to be the closest to Carlos—the two boys are inseparable, and more times than not, are seen by each other's side. Kendall _is_ hurting, more than he is willing to let on, but he can only imagine how scared James must be.

"James," Logan suddenly blurts out, catching the attention of Kendall and Katie, but not that of the brunette's. "James," he tries again, and this time, James stops pacing, looks up and meets the smaller boy's eyes.

"What?" James asks in a monotone voice. Now that they have a better look at James' face, they all notice how tired he looks. His hair is a mess, which is very odd, considering how much he cares about the way he looks and how much he hates having disheveled hair.

"I know you're worried—we all are—but you need to take a seat and try to calm down. All this pacing isn't going to help you," he says softly, giving James a begging look. His words seem to be like a slap to the face to James, for his expression changes from an emotionless one, to one of a kicked puppy.

"My best f-friend just got hit by a car. A _car_. How do you expect me to react, Logan?" His tone is harsh, but at that moment, he doesn't seem to care. All he wants is to see Carlos, or for someone to at least tell them how he's doing. He's having trouble believing that his best friend is now in the hospital, when just hours before, he was lying safely on his bed, sound asleep.

At least, that's what he thinks.

"I'm sorry, but—"

"Family of Carlos Garcia?"

Logan's sentence is cut short as a doctor, who seems to be in his late thirties, walks up to them when they all stand up.

"You're here for Carlos Garcia?" he asks, and they all nod their head. "Is there an adult with you, one that is a relative of his?"

"No..." James says brokenly, feeling like he's about to cry. He looks to Kendall, silently begging him to think of something that will convince the doctor to tell them how Carlos is doing.

"I'm sorry, but if there's no one with you, I cannot provide any kind of information. Aren't you all minors?"

"I called my mom," Kendall says, in hopes that it'll convince him. "She was in Minnesota, but she said that she'd get the next available flight to get here. She's Carlos' surrogate mother... Can you please just tell us how he's doing? We're like his brothers... please."

The dirty blond looks like he's about to cry, and frankly, he is. He can feel the tears that have built up in his eyes, ready to fall at any second. He's scared, he is _so_ scared.

The doctor sighs but gives in when he sees just how broken they all seem. "I cannot give you too much information, but there is something you should know. Your friend is... not in a very good condition, and from the looks of it, it seems like him getting hit by a car, wasn't an accident."

"It wasn't...?" Kendall asks. "So they hit him on purpose?"

The man shakes his head and continues. "No, that's not what I meant. I mean, he walked in front of the car... on purpose."

All four of them seem to be frozen in their spots, the doctor's words not making any sense to them.

"I'm sorry, guys, I really am. I'll give you more information once your mother arrives," he says, turning to Kendall, "but until then, I can't give you much more." With that, he gives them a saddened look and walks away.

Slowly, Kendall turns to his right, to find Katie on the verge of tears. Logan is visibly shaking as he slowly moves to sit back down, his hands moving to cradle his head as he starts to cry, once he does.

He then turns to his left, where James is standing still, tears rolling down his face at a rapid pace. He whispers his best friend's name and moves an arm to wrap around his broad shoulders, but James flinches away and runs. Runs away from him, down the corridor, and out through the entrance of the hospital. Kendall's about to run after him when Logan stands up and stops him.

"I'll go," he says softly, "you stay here with Katie. She needs you." Kendall looks hesitant but nods and sits back down, watching Logan rush through the hospital's front doors.

"Come here," he says to Katie, pulling her against his chest and planting a kiss against her brown hair. "Everything's gonna be okay," he tells her, but it's like he's trying to convince himself more than her. He can feel Katie sobbing against his hold, her cries ringing in his ears, and he absolutely loathes it—her crying, James and Logan breaking down; all of it.

Feeling absolutely miserable and hopeless, he lets the tears fall, as he holds Katie close and tries to comfort her.

* * *

"James!" Logan's finding it hard to catch his breath after running around the hospital in the dark, trying to spot his taller friend. "James, where are you?!"

Sobbing is heard, and it's what leads him to where James is sitting, on a bench to the side of the hospital. He cautiously walks towards him and takes a seat beside him.

"Hey," he whispers, but James doesn't respond. "You don't have to talk, I don't expect you to. But please don't run away like that. I know you're scared, terrified even, but we all need to stick together right now. We need each other."

"W-Why...? W-Why him?" James cries, turning to Logan, eyes bloodshot and face damp with tears. "He's always so happy and trying to make everyone happy. Why would... How could... I don't understand..."

"Sometimes, those who try to make everybody happy, are the ones who are b-broken inside," Logan says, his voice breaking as tears once again fall from his eyes. He pulls James close, and James buries his face against the crook of Logan's neck, his tears dampening the smaller brunette's t-shirt. He never thought they'd be sitting here, crying over something like this, but they are, and the only thing Logan knows is that they have to be there for each other.

Through the good, the bad, and everything in between, they have to stick together, for each other _and_ for Carlos.

They sit in silence for a while, until James breaks it.

"W-What if he dies?" James whispers in a hoarse voice. "What if they can't s-save him?"

Logan is taken aback by the question but forces himself to think of something to say, something positive, even though he's been thinking the same thing since they were given the news.

"He won't," he says, pulling James closer. "He's not going to die. He's survived how many stunts? How many injuries? Carlos is strong—stronger than we give him credit for. He'll pull through... you'll see."

James looks up, the smallest of smiles forming on his face. "I hope so."

"He will," Logan reassures him and stands up, extending a hand for the younger boy to take. "We should get back to Kendall and Katie. Are you okay with that?"

James nods and takes Logan's hand. "Yeah," he says and pulls Logan into a hug once he's standing beside him.

"Thank you." He smiles and pulls away. "I just kind of lost my cool for a bit." He acts like he's okay, but Logan knows otherwise; knows that he's just trying to pull himself together, despite the ache in his chest. He knows, because he's doing the exact same thing.

Dreading what's to come, the two boys make their way to where Katie and Kendall are. And when they do get there, they pull each other into a four-way hug, doing their best to hold on to the little hope they have left.


	9. Chapter 8

"Mom!"

As soon as Mrs. Knight walks in through the hospital's front doors, Katie squirms away from Kendall's hold and runs to her, tears pooling in her eyes. Kendall can only watch as the ten-year-old breaks down, for the second time that night, in their mother's arms. It hurts seeing his baby sister like this, but he knows that there is nothing that he can do to take her pain away. The only thing that will take her pain away is knowing that Carlos will be okay.

Knowing that Carlos will be okay is what all of them need to hear.

"Boys, what happened?" Mrs. Knight asks as she takes a seat beside James, pulling Katie along with her. She looks from one boy to the other, but all she gets are blank stares. None of them know what to say. How can they tell her that Carlos is in the hospital because he got hit by a car, and that the "accident" doesn't seem to have been an accident in the slightest?

"We got called into the hospital a few hours ago," Kendall starts, not meeting his mother's worried eyes. "Carlos got hit by a car... We thought he was at home sleeping at the time."

"He was when I went to bed," James says as he keeps his eyes glued to his hands, which are resting on his lap. "But he wasn't. I guess he must've walked out of the apartment when we were sleeping, because none of us knew he was gone until we got the call."

"The doctor who's looking after him came up to us about an hour ago," Kendall continues, feeling nauseated at the thought of what he is about to say. "He didn't give us much information, but umm, he said something..."

Kendall's mother nods, patiently waiting for her son to continue. The blond can't help but wonder how it is that his mother is able to stay so calm in a time like this. Perhaps it is because of the countless accidents the boys have encountered throughout the years, both from hockey practice and reckless stunts. Out of the four, Carlos is the one who has had the most injuries. But Kendall knows that the next few words that are about to slip from his lips will change her state in an instant.

"Mom..." Kendall looks up at her, tears glistening in sad green orbs. "It wasn't an a-accident," he practically whispers, his voice breaking on the last word. "Carlos didn't... he didn't walk in front of the car by accident... He... intended to get hit."

The surrogate mother of three and mother of two sits still in shock, doing her best to process the information she has just received. Katie, who is sitting by her side, curled up against her, starts to shake with sobs.

"H-He... He what?"

"He walked in front of the car on purpose, Mrs. Knight," Logan says, his heart breaking at both the sight and the sound of Katie crying.

"Katie," James whispers as he gets up from his seat and reaches the smaller girl, enveloping her in a tight hug. "Shhh, it's okay. It's okay," he whispers in her ear, holding her close to his chest and allowing the little girl to bury her face against the crook of his neck. Turning to the others, he motions towards the hallway outside the waiting room. "We'll be back in a bit."

Kendall and Logan can only nod as they watch James leave with Katie in his arms. The smaller girl has her arms wrapped around his neck, her tears soaking the fabric of James' shirt.

"Mom... I'm sorry, mom," Kendall says quietly as he moves to take James' seat, wrapping his arms around his mother's shoulders and pulling her close.

"I-I can't believe this. I leave for a week and this happens. How could this have happened?"

"I don't know," Kendall mumbles, fighting back tears. "The doctor wouldn't give us any more information because we're underage and not family."

Mrs. Knight nods her head as she pulls away from Kendall and stands up, looking like she will fall over at any second. "I'm gonna go talk to the nurse and see what I can find out," she says, rubbing at her eyes to dry the tears that have managed to escape. She kisses both boys on the cheek and pulls them both into a hug. "Maybe you should go check on Katie and James... see that they're okay."

Kendall nods wordlessly and pulls Logan by the arm in the direction in which James has left with Katie.

"Kendall?" Logan asks as soon as they are out of earshot. He turns towards the dirty blond and places a hand on his shoulder. "You okay?"

"Fine," is the only thing that Kendall manages to choke out, turning away from Logan's worried gaze.

"Kendall, please don't lie to me," Logan says softly, feeling a pang of worry in his chest. "You're obviously not okay."

"Please just drop it, Logan. I don't... I don't want to talk about it right now."

Logan sighs, knowing that once Kendall has made up his mind about something, there is no convincing him otherwise. "Okay, I'll drop it, for now. But please don't do this to yourself."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"This," the brunet says, motioning around. "You can't just push me—us—away, when it is obvious that you need someone. Yes, we're all hurting right now. I know I am, so is James, Katie, your mom... but that doesn't mean that you aren't, too."

"I just don't know how to deal with any of this," Kendall mumbles, finally turning towards Logan, green eyes meeting brown. "I don't know what to think, what to feel, what to do. I have no control. I have _no control_ whatsoever—"

Not letting him finish, Logan wraps his arms around Kendall's neck, pulling him close. "None of us do," he whispers, tears dripping from his eyes. "This is out of everyone's control, but pushing everyone away when you need them the most is not going to help the situation."

"Can I tell you something...?" Kendall asks, pulling away and staring at the floor.

"Of course," Logan says, waiting for Kendall to continue.

"I feel guilty," the blond admits, his voice void of emotion. "I feel guilty because I could tell that something was wrong... I even questioned him about it, but he said he was fine, and I just let it slip. I shouldn't have, Logie. I should've—"

"Kendall," Logan says, interrupting him before he can go any further. "This isn't your fault, Kendall. We _all_ should've known something was up. We _all_ should've realized something was not okay. But beating ourselves up over it isn't going to help Carlos get better. You know that."

"I know... I'm just..."

"Scared?"

Kendall nods hesitantly, his gaze shifting from Logan to the wall behind him. "Yeah... scared."

"Me too." Logan sighs as he leans against the wall. "I think we all are. None of us saw this coming. I just... wish he would have said something, you know? I wish things had not gotten this bad. I wish this hadn't h-happened." Logan looks up at Kendall then, his eyes moist with tears. "I hate this, I'm sorry."

Kendall shakes his head and moves forward, only to stand beside Logan. He leans his head against the brunet's shoulder and stares forward, watching as people walk by.

"Don't be sorry," he says, taking ahold of Logan's hand and giving it a squeeze, not caring if they get any strange looks from anyone that walks by. "I guess we all kind of need to let some things out."

Logan nods his head and sighs. "I guess we should go check on James and Katie. I'm really worried about James right now, and Katie, too."

"Me too," Kendall says, his heart sinking, while his mind is filled with a mixture of sadness, guilt, worry, and anxiety. "Let's go."


	10. Chapter 9

"He's gonna be okay, you know," James says softly as he extends his arm forward and places his hand on Katie's shoulder. After having left the waiting room, James had headed in the direction of the cafeteria and bought Katie a plate of food, but she had yet to touch any of it. "Carlos is one of the strongest people I know, Katie. He'll be alright."

"Can you stop lying to me?" Even though the sentence is supposed to be a question, it sounds more like a demand to James, who can sense the bitterness in the younger girl's tone.

"I'm not lying to you."

"Carlos tried to _kill_ himself, James," Katie says with a glare directed in the brunet's direction. "Happy-go-lucky Carlos, who is always trying to make everyone happy, tried to end his life. What part of that sounds okay to you?"

"I never said it sounded okay. It's _not_ okay. I'm scared too, Katie, I'm terrified, but we have to have some faith in Carlos. Faith that he'll recover, both from the injuries the accident caused him, as well as whatever it is that caused him to do what he did."

Katie bites down on her lower lip, willing the tears that have began to blur her vision to go away. "I just want my older brother back," she says softly.

James is about to respond when he sees Kendall and Logan heading their way. "You'll get him back," he says sadly just as the two boys reach their destination.

"Hey," Logan says to James as he approaches him. "Can I sit down?"

James just nods in response, not saying a single word.

"Hey, baby sister." Kendall takes a seat in front of Logan, to Katie's left, and wraps an arm around her shoulders. He kisses the top of her head, his worry for the smaller girl intensifying when she doesn't respond, and instead turns around and hugs him tightly, burying her face against the boy's long-sleeved grey shirt.

Kendall turns to James, who only gives him a small sad smile.

"I'm scared, K-Kendall."

For once in what seems like forever, Kendall's throat closes up, and he has no idea what to say to make Katie feel better. No motivational speech, no words of comfort can protect her – or any of them – from the feeling of fear and worry that seems to have taken over their minds.

So instead of saying anything, he tightens his hold around her, despite wanting more than anything to say something that'll make her feel better.

"It's gonna be okay," he finally says, even though he knows that it will probably be a while until things are okay.

"Promise?"

Kendall lets out a shaky breath, tears prickling at his eyes, but through his foggy mind, he manages to whisper, "I promise, Katie."

He just hopes it's a promise he can keep.

* * *

Anorexia, possibly bulimia. Self-harm. Attempted suicide. James shouldn't be too surprised as the words slip from Mrs. Knight's lips, but it takes everything in him not to burst into tears right then and there.

James feels nauseous, disoriented, detached from reality, and he can't cope. "I gotta go," he says quietly and gets up from his seat, making his way out of the waiting room. He hears Logan and Kendall call his name, but he pays no attention to them. He can barely make out what they're saying through the thoughts that seem to be be taking full control of his mind. He just wants Carlos back. He can't live without one of his best friends. He can't live without Carlos.

"James!"

A hand is placed on his shoulder, and he turns around, only to be met by a pair of green eyes. "It's gonna be okay, James."

"Shut up."

"But James—"

"I said, shut up! As far as any of us know, Carlos could die! Carlos could die, and you know whose fault it's gonna be? It's gonna be _our_ fault, because we didn't pay attention – we didn't see the signs. If Carlos dies... if Carlos dies, I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't live without him, Kendall, I can't..."

"I can't either," Kendall whispers, "but we won't have to." He gently pushes James towards the wall and then down to sit on the floor, taking a seat beside him. "I know how you're feeling. I know that the thought of losing Carlos brings a terrifying feeling, and I think that right now, we're all scared and worried. Nothing like this has ever happened before... nothing this serious. And I'd be lying if I said that I haven't thought the same thing, because I have. But... but he'll be okay, James. And I know, trust me, I _know_ it's not what you want to hear right now. And I know that no matter how many times I say it, you probably won't believe me. It's okay if you want to cry, it's okay if you want to fall apart. But please... please just know that I'm here for you, and Logan's here for you, and we're all here for you, and it's gonna be alright."

"I know... It's just... It hurts s-so much. I-I want this to stop. I want him to be okay. I hate that I wasn't able to stop this from happening. Carlos shouldn't be sad, much less to the point in which he thinks that taking his own life and hurting himself is his only escape. C-Carlos always tries to make us happy – we should've been able to do the same for him. I wish he would've come to us..."

"Sometimes when people feel that way, it's not easy to admit it to anyone," Logan says as he reaches the two boys. He takes a seat in the other side of James and gives him a sad smile. "Sometimes it's hard for them to even admit that something's wrong, and they don't want to burden anyone with their problems."

"But... he wouldn't be burdening us. We're his best friends."

"I know... but sometimes your mind tricks you into thinking you are a burden when you're not, and I think that's why Carlos didn't come to us for help."

"I hate this so much," James mumbles, tears streaming down his cheeks, which he is quick to wipe away.

Kendall wraps an arm around his shoulders, resting his head on top of the brunet's. "I wish we could see him..."

"We will get to," Logan says softly, his eyes tearing up at the sight of Kendall and James huddled together. Despite being the youngest pair of the group of four, the two boys have always seemed invincible. Logan can't help but notice how right now, the two boys seem vulnerable and in need of comfort, and it breaks his heart. "Once the doctors think it's okay to see him, we will get to see him."

"How do you do it?" James suddenly asks.

Logan knits his eyebrows together in confusion, not sure of what James means by the question. "How do I do what?"

"Remain so... calm."

Logan's lips turn downwards into a frown, and the color drains from his face as he looks away. "I'm not," he whispers so softly that James and Kendall barely hear him.

"Logan..."

Logan ignores Kendall's voice, knowing that if he looks back at either of the two boys, he will most likely break down.

"Logie..."

"What?" He feels a hand wrap around his arm, and he has no choice but to turn around. James is looking at him with concern, and Kendall looks both worried and hurt, but he doesn't let go of Logan's arm.

"Come here," the dirty blond says softly, tugging on the boy's arm to pull him towards them. Logan looks hesitant, but he gives in after a few seconds and allows Kendall to pull him into a three-way hug along with James. It's all it takes for his walls to come crumbling down, dropping the façade that he's been wearing all along.

"We can't give up, guys," Kendall says softly. "I know we're all scared, and none of us have any idea of what's going to happen. Carlos isn't here right now, but I know that he'd want us to be here for each other. I love you guys so much..."

"I-I love you, too." Logan says brokenly, tears falling down his cheeks rapidly.

James tightens his hold around them both, not being able to speak through the continuous sobs shaking his body. "I lo-ove you guys, too," he mutters once his sobs subside and he is able to catch his breath. "So much..."


	11. Chapter 10

"Maybe you boys should head home for a bit and take Katie with you, so that you can all get some proper rest. You all look exhausted," Mrs. Knight suggests as she stares at the three boys sitting to her right. Unlike Katie, who eventually cried herself to sleep, none of them had been able to. One of the reasons being that the chairs in the waiting room are way too uncomfortable, but the main reason being that the dread they're all feeling is self-consuming.

They all turn to her and shake their heads, immediately disagreeing with what she has said. "No way," Kendall says, "we're not leaving until we get to see Carlos."

"Honey, it could take a while until we actually get to see him, and you all need to get some rest."

"But mom... we can't."

"With all due respect, Mrs. Knight, I have to agree with Kendall," Logan says, sitting up from his chair and biting down on his bottom lip. "I know you're just looking out for us, but... we won't be able to get any sleep, knowing that Carlos is not okay."

"I know, sweetie, I'm just worried about you guys," she says softly, looking at each of the boys with concern in her eyes. She can't remember a time in which they all looked so exhausted and worn-out. It's evident how much Carlos' accident has affected them – she can see it clearly just by looking at them. She knows they're all hurting, and it breaks her heart into pieces. "At least go get something to eat, please?"

Kendall sighs and takes the ten dollar bill she's offering him. "Thanks mom, we will."

She gives him a small smile, which he barely manages to return. She watches as all three boys get up from their seats and walk out of the waiting room, in the direction of the cafeteria.

"You guys hungry?" Kendall asks, offering the two boys the ten dollar bill. "I'm not, so... if you want anything, you can get it."

James shakes his head and pushes Kendall's hand away. "I can't eat."

"James..." Logan says softly, a frown present on his face. "We've been here for almost five hours, we all need to eat something. You too, Kendall."

Kendall sighs and stuffs the money into his pants pocket as they continue walking, not saying anything in response. James and Logan follow closely behind, each of them lost in their own thoughts.

"I'm seriously not hungry, though," Kendall says quietly. He takes the money out of his pocket as they get in line and hands it to James. "Just get whatever you want for me. I'll go wait at a table." Before James can even reply, he has walked away from the two boys.

James turns to Logan, who's staring back at him. There's no need for words, to know what both of them are thinking. Their eyes hold more than enough emotion, and they know each other well enough, to be able to read each other without having to say a single word.

"Maybe we should just get something from the vending machine," Logan suggests, nodding towards a vending machine that is not too far away from them. Agreeing, James mutters an "okay" and begins walking in the direction of the vending machine.

Once they have gotten something for the three of them, they head towards the table where Kendall is waiting for them, and take a seat in front of him. The younger boy is sitting with his elbows resting against the table's surface, fingers tangled in between blond strands of hair.

"Here, we brought you something from the vending machine instead," Logan says and slides a bag of cookies in Kendall's direction.

"Thanks," he mutters but makes no move to grab it. He doesn't even turn to look at them. Logan turns to James, who has set his snack on the table as well, and is staring at Kendall solemnly. His eyes look so distant though, and Logan would be lying if he said that it doesn't scare him, because it does. He has never seen either of the two boys so broken and lost, though he's sure he's no better.

"Guys," he says softly, shifting his gaze from Kendall to James, "I know this whole situation sucks – in fact, the word 'sucks' doesn't even begin to cover it – but we must keep our heads up, for Los. He wouldn't want us to be beating ourselves up like this."

"It's hard not to." Kendall finally looks up, tears swimming in his green eyes. "How can we not beat ourselves up over this? How, Logan? Please tell me how, because... I don't know how to stop it."

Logan opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Kendall shakes his head and gets up. "I'm... I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

Beside him, James lets out a sob as he watches Kendall leave, no longer being able to hold back his tears. Logan turns to him and pulls him close as the taller brunet breaks down, tears falling down his face rapidly. They stay that way for a few minutes, until James has calmed down a bit. "It'll be okay. Come on, I wanna make sure he's okay, and I don't want to leave you here alone."

James nods and follows Logan, doing his best to brush away the tears that have managed to escape.

"Ken, are you in here?" Logan asks, pushing open the bathroom door, only to find that it's empty. "Kendall?"

"He's not in here." James shifts his weight from one foot to the other. "Where could he have gone?"

"I don't know," Logan practically whispers as they both walk out. "Maybe we should ask Mrs. Knight if she knows where he went."

Logan's about to make his way towards the waiting room, but James stops him before he can take a step in that direction. "I think we should try looking for him first, and then ask her, if we can't find him. I don't want to worry her if he's somewhere around here."

"Okay," Logan agrees, so they both go in one direction of the hallway, in search of their best friend.

* * *

Kendall isn't quite sure of what's taken over him, but all he wants in that moment is to see Carlos and to make sure he's okay. Despite telling James that things would be okay, the truth is, that that is something not even he believes. He's always been known for being the most optimistic of the four, but how can he be optimistic in a situation like this? It's pretty much impossible for him to remain optimistic, because every thought in his head is surrounded by fear and guilt.

So instead of heading in the direction of the bathroom, he starts wandering the hallways, not really sure of where he's headed, but he knows where he wants to be. It's just finding his destination that is the problem.

It's only after minutes of walking around, that he finds it.

He's not really sure how he ended up here, or how he even managed to find Carlos' room. But as a doctor walks out of the room, he quietly walks inside, making sure that no one is around to catch him, and then takes the few steps to the only bed in the room. He takes notice of the boy lying on the bed, skin pale, eyes closed, looking more dead than alive. All the tubes and machines around him only make him look even more lifeless and small than he already is.

Feeling his eyes well up with tears, he stands to one side of the bed and takes ahold of Carlos' hand. "Hey buddy... It's Kendall."


	12. Chapter 11

Being cautious of the tubes that are hooked up to Carlos' beaten body, Kendall kneels down on the right side of the bed and takes ahold of Carlos' hand in between both of his. He frowns when he feels no movement come from the older boy, even though he wasn't expecting him to move at all.

"We can't lose you, Los," he whispers, even though he knows that Carlos can't hear him. He has heard that patients who are unconscious are able to listen to what's going on around them, though, so he hopes that somehow, Carlos will be able to listen to what he has to say. "We all need you. Logan, James, mom, Katie, your mom and dad... I need you. I need you more than you will ever know. I know you may think that you're not important, or that you don't matter, or that our lives would be better off if you weren't in them, but that is simply not true. You mean so much to all of us, so much more than we are able to express with words."

He takes in a breath and gently lifts Carlos' hand so that it is merely inches away from his lips. He can feel tears gathering in his eyes, and he can feel them blurring his vision, but he refuses to let them fall. "I don't think you realize how much of an impact you have in other people's lives. You're the one who can always cheer me up when I'm down. That's something that I love about you... You spread love and positivity wherever you go. You're always able to turn awful situations into good ones. Even in the darkest of days, you can make my day better with your silly antics, with a simple smile, simply by being yourself. Not many people are able to do that, but you do, and not just for me, but for many other people as well."

With sorrow-filled eyes, he stares at the boy he has known for ten years now, and feels an overwhelming feeling of emotions take over him. He feels sick to his stomach, and he suddenly finds it hard to breathe. It's scary having to watch Carlos be so still. Anyone who knows Carlos, knows that he is never still. The smaller boy is always filled with so much energy, which is the complete opposite of how he is now.

As he stares at Carlos' still body, he realizes that it has been a while since he has seen the giddy, enthusiastic side of Carlos. It's been a while since he has seen the childish sparkle in those chocolate brown eyes of his, and he misses it. He wants Carlos back – he wants his older brother back. He can't stand the thought of losing him; of never seeing his smile again, or never hearing him laugh again.

His heart hurts, and it feels like it's broken. It's killing him.

"I should go," he whispers softly, kissing Carlos' knuckles and tightening his hold on his hand. "I shouldn't be here right now, but I really needed to see you. I promise you I'll be back... I love you." He lets go of Carlos' hand and stands up. He takes one last look at the unconscious boy, who looks too small for the bed he is lying on, and then turns around. He makes sure there is no one around, before walking out of the room and rushing towards the waiting room.

* * *

"Kendall! There you are! We've been looking for you everywhere!" Logan says, stopping Kendall in the middle of the hallway before he can reach the waiting room. Kendall freezes in his spot and looks down at the ground, a guilty look plastered on his face. He didn't mean to make him worry – he just wanted to see Carlos, he _needed_ to.

"I know, I'm sorry," he says as he looks up to meet Logan's worried brown eyes. "Where's James?"

"I sent him to look for you somewhere else. We were about to ask Mama Knight if she had seen you. Where were you?"

"Oh, you know... just walking around. I needed to get my mind off things, I guess," he replies, leaving out the part about getting to see Carlos. It was technically not a lie; he _had_ been walking around.

"Kendall..." Logan begins as he takes a step forward and places his hand on the taller boy's shoulder. The blond turns his attention back to the ground, refusing to meet Logan's eyes. He knows that if he looks into them, he'll see nothing but pain and concern. He can sense it just by the tone of his voice. "We're worried about you, Kendall."

"Why?"

Logan sighs, removes his hand from Kendall's shoulder, and lets his arm hang by his side. "Because you're not acting like yourself."

That one sentence makes something in Kendall break. He feels everything around him start to collapse, and suddenly the emotions he has been trying to hide, come pouring out in a mix of words and tears.

"You know what? You're right, I'm not... But neither is James, and neither are you. But this isn't just some everyday obstacle we're dealing with. Carlos' life is on the line, so I don't see how any of us could be ourselves right now."

"Kendall, that's not what I meant..."

"Then what _did_ you mean?"

Logan opens his mouth to speak, but closes it when he realizes that Kendall's right. "I'm just worried."

Kendall's face softens. Silently, he tugs Logan forward and wraps his arms around the older boy's torso, pulling him close. He hears a soft sigh slip past Logan's lips as he rests his head on Kendall's shoulder and closes his eyes, tears starting to roll down his cheeks at a slow pace.

"I think I'm just tired."

"I know, me too."

"I'm scared, Kendall... I'm so scared."

Closing his eyes, Kendall lets his head rest against Logan's shoulder as well, his hold on the shorter boy tightening. "I know, Logie," he whispers, no longer being able to suppress the tears. "I'm scared, too. I wish—"

"Kendall?"

The blond stops in mid-sentence when he feels a hand rest on his shoulder. Logan, who has already caught sight of the brunet behind him, slowly lets go of the younger boy and does his best to wipe away the tears smearing his cheeks.

As he turns around, Kendall barely has the time to register that it is James who is standing in front of him, before he is once again wrapped in a hug. "Don't ever go wandering off like that. I was worried sick about you."

Hesitantly, Kendall hugs James back, feeling comforted by the feeling of having James' arms around him.

That's the thing about them – they all somehow make each other feel better when things are bad, in their own way. Kendall is good with pep-talks; he's good at keeping the other boys motivated when they feel discouraged, and can come up with a good speech in a matter of seconds. Logan's the one who keeps them grounded – he is often the one to knock some sense into the other three when Kendall's schemes get them into trouble. James is often seen as the comforter, and as the one the other boys go to when they simply need to be reassured that everything will be okay. And Carlos is the one who is always able to put a smile on anyone's face – if one of them is feeling down, they know that he can make them feel better, sometimes without even trying.

But with one of their own missing, they're all incomplete. It's kind of like a domino effect; if one of them falls down, then they all go down with him. They aren't able to function without each other – they're not sure how to, and they don't want to – which is one of the reasons that the thought of losing Carlos terrifies them. They wouldn't just lose a friend; they would lose a best friend, a brother, and most likely lose themselves in the process of trying to cope with it all.

"I won't, I promise," Kendall whispers back, his voice muffled by the fabric of James' shirt. "But... promise me one thing... both of you?"

"Anything," James says softly.

"Promise me that... even if... even if Carlos d-dies, we'll stick together?"

"Kendall..."

"Please... I just... I need to know, I'm sorry."

Seeing the look of complete terror in Logan's face, James gestures for him to move forward, and once he does, he hugs him as well. "We're not going to lose him, but if it helps, then yes... I promise."

"Logan?"

Logan's as white as a sheet, and he can't even find the words to speak. He feels panic take over him, and he can't breathe. He doesn't even acknowledge Kendall's voice when he calls his name. Everything's muffled and nothing makes sense, and he feels like he has been left with no air in his lungs.

It is then that Kendall realizes what's happening and detaches himself from James' hold. "Logan, breathe. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Logie, it's okay, you're okay. You need to breathe."

"I... I c-can't."

Being cautious not to startle Logan any more than he already is, James takes ahold of his shoulders and gently lowers him to the ground. "Logan, it's okay, you don't need to promise anything, but you're panicking. You need to breathe, okay? It's all gonna be okay."

It takes minutes of coaxing, but Logan is finally able to calm down. Feeling guilty for sending him into a panic attack, Kendall wraps his arms around him and buries his face against the crook of Logan's neck. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I just..."

"Of course you didn't mean to," James says bitterly.

Taken aback by the older boy's tone of voice, Kendall lets go of Logan as he feels tears once again begin to well up in his eyes. "I didn't..."

"I think you've done enough, Kendall." James doesn't mean to sound as harsh as he does, but he's tired and upset, and seeing Logan go into a panic attack because of what Kendall had said, certainly did not help.

Kendall doesn't say anything in response. Instead, he scoots away from the two boys and pulls his knees up to his chest. All he can do is stare forward as tears cascade down his face, feeling his whole world deteriorate more and more with each passing second.


	13. Chapter 12

_"I think you've done enough, Kendall."_

James' words repeat themselves like a broken tape recorder in Kendall's mind, making him get even more upset at himself with each minute that passes by. He regrets what he said – regrets even opening his mouth, and wishes that he could take it back. He should've been more cautious, but ever since they had gotten the news about Carlos' accident – if he can even call it that – nothing in his mind has made sense. He feels detached; like he isn't in control of his thoughts or of his actions, and it is driving him nuts.

"Kendall?"

The blond jumps at the voice, having been lost in his own thoughts, and turns around, only to realize that Logan is staring at him, and James is nowhere to be seen. He hums in response and looks down, hoping that if he doesn't look Logan in the eye, he will not see the sadness that is in his own eyes.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he mutters, even though he knows it's a lie. Tears that he has yet to shed burn at his eyes and blur his vision, but he doesn't want Logan – or anyone else for that matter – to see him cry. He hates crying, especially in front of others.

"No, you're not."

He sighs, turns to Logan and frowns. "It's not like it matters right now. James probably hates me, and you probably do, too. And I honestly don't blame you. I shouldn't have said what I did. I should've known it wouldn't do any of us any good. I just..."

Logan places a hand on his shoulder and tugs him towards him. "I don't hate you. I could never hate you, and neither does James. You know how he is – he often lets his emotions control what he says and does. I think he was just worried, and was trying to put the blame on someone. He didn't mean what he said, Kendall, you know that."

"I guess... Where is he, by the way? I didn't hear him leave."

"He said he was going to go outside for a bit. I think he needs some time to himself."

"I need to talk to him."

Before Logan can protest, the blond has already stood up. Logan follows his actions and grabs ahold of his arm, trying to stop him from leaving, but Kendall is stubborn, and he knows that. Once he has made up his mind about something, there is no stopping him.

"Kendall, I don't think you should—"

"I just need to talk to him, okay?" Kendall turns to him, eyes pleading, begging him to let him go. He could very easily push him back and walk away, but Logan knows that he would never do that to him.

"Okay, just... be careful with what you say. Don't make him any angrier."

"I won't," Kendall promises, and it's not until then that Logan releases his grip on him and lets him go.

Kendall walks away from the brunet, his eyes cast towards the floor. He stuffs his hands into his jeans pockets as he walks, and tries not to look up. There are people everywhere, and all of them have sadness written across every feature on their faces, and he hates it. This is the reason he hates hospitals so much. They're not happy places, and if it was up to him, he would never step a foot into a hospital ever again. The only happy time he was in one, was when Katie was born, but aside from that, hospitals hold bad memories for him, one of them being when his father passed away.

Perhaps that's the real reason he hates them – his father died in one, so now, being in a hospital reminds him of that, as much as he wishes it wouldn't.

He walks towards the hospital entrance and walks through the automatic doors as they open. The cool breeze greets him as soon as he steps foot outside. He searches for James, but doesn't see him anywhere. He doesn't really know where to look, but he knows that he couldn't have gone far.

He walks aimlessly for what feels like hours but is really only minutes, and he has yet to find the taller brunet. No longer knowing where to look, he walks towards their car, which isn't parked too far away from the hospital entrance, and that's where he finds James. The older boy is sitting on the driver's seat, head leaning against the steering wheel. Even though the door is closed, Kendall can see James' shoulders shaking through the transparent window. His heart breaks as he takes in the sight in front of him.

Hesitantly, he walks towards the other side of the car and pulls the door open, startling James as he makes his presence known.

"What are you doing here?" James asks, his tone bitter, eyes reflecting anger and sadness all at once.

Kendall takes a seat in the passenger's side and turns to James, doing his best to hold back the tears that come to his eyes when he hears the brunet's tone. "I came to apologize," he says softly. "I shouldn't have said what I did, and I'm sorry."

"You should be. You caused Logan to have a panic attack. You scared him. Next time, you should think before you speak."

"Like you're doing now?" Kendall wants to say something else – he wants to yell at James and take his anger out on him – but he refuses to do so. "He's not the only one who's scared, James. I'm fucking terrified, and so are you. But the truth is, none of us know what's going to happen. I'd love to tell you that Carlos is going to make it, and that he is going to get better, but... I just don't know anymore. And I know that I sound l-like a jerk right now, but you're not the one who saw him lying on that hospital bed, looking so... lifeless."

"You _what_?"

Kendall stays silent, realizing what he has said. He wasn't even planning to tell James that he had seen Carlos, it had just slipped. "Nothing..."

"What do you mean you _saw_ Carlos?"

"N-Nothing."

"Kendall, damn it, just tell me."

"I... I might have found Carlos' room earlier, and walked in when no one was looking..."

"Kendall—"

"No, I know what you're going to say. I know I shouldn't have done that. I know it was a stupid thing to do, but the waiting was killing me. I _needed_ to see him, James. I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't help him, and I feel so helpless and useless right now. I just want this all to end. I want Carlos to be okay, and I'm so scared that he won't be. I'm so scared that we'll lose him. That's why I asked you guys to promise me that even if he were to d-die, we'd stick together. I can't bear losing more than one of my best friends... I can't even bear losing one of you... I should've known. I should have known something was wrong..."

"Kendall," James says softly, all traces of anger now gone from his voice. "Kendall, you need to listen to me, okay? Please, just listen."

Kendall doesn't turn to look at James, but he does stop talking and tries to calm down his breathing, which is now coming out in desperate gasps for air.

"I'm sorry, Kendall. I'm sorry because I overreacted. I know you're scared – I know we're all scared, and I guess I let it all get to me. I shouldn't have been mad at you. I know you'd never do anything to upset Logan, or any of us for that matter. But you need to realize that the blame right now rests on all of us. We all should have known that something wasn't quite right. We could have all done something to prevent this from happening. But blaming ourselves isn't going to make things better, and blaming each other is pretty stupid as well, and I guess I'm starting to realize that. Carlos wouldn't want us to blame each other."

"I can't help it. I have no one else to blame, and knowing I wasn't there for him when he needed me is making me feel like such a bad friend. He was hurting so much, and I couldn't help him, James. I could have if he would've come to me. I wish he would've."

"Me too." James sighs as he leans his head against the back of his seat. He has never been good at comforting others, especially when he's hurting as well. But the look in Kendall's eyes is full of sadness and despair, and even though he's hurting, he knows that Kendall is too. "It's going to be okay."

"I don't know."

"Weren't you the one who told me that earlier?"

"I know... I'm such a hypocrite. I guess the reality of everything finally got to me, and I'm having a hard time thinking straight. I just don't know anymore... I don't know what to think."

"What do you think Carlos would say if he was here?" James asks him, turning his head to the side to look at the younger boy.

Kendall turns to him with a confused expression and shrugs his shoulders. "He'd probably tell us how stupid we all are for pushing each other away, and tell us to think nice, happy thoughts about kittens, or something along those lines. He wouldn't want us to fight or to see us sad. But... how can we not be sad? Our best friend could—"

"Yes, he could die," James says, cutting him off. "It's true, but he could also live, he could get better. I know that it's hard to see the light in a situation like this, because what's happened is awful, but we'll get through it. All of us will, and by that I mean Carlos as well. We can't think negatively. If we do, it will destroy us."

"I think it's already too late for that..."

"No, it's not. We _are_ going to get through this, one way or another, together. We will, you need to trust me on this."

"I do trust you. It's just..."

"Hard?" James asks, finishing the sentence for him. Kendall nods, wiping the tears away from his face. "I know it's hard, but we will. We have each other, and right now, that'll help us more than you think."

"I hope so," Kendall says quietly. He turns to James then, his expression unreadable. "Are you still mad at me?"

"No, I'm not mad at you. I don't think I was ever mad at you. I was just mad at everything," he says as he opens his door and walks out. Confused, Kendall does the same, but before he can walk to the other side of the car, James is by his side, his eyes full of regret. "Can I have a hug?" he asks, extending his arms towards the shorter boy.

Kendall doesn't respond as he takes a step towards James and crashes into him, their arms tightening around each other.

"I'm sorry I was such a jerk to you. I love you, Ken."

"I love you too, and it's okay," Kendall whispers, smiling softly as his arms tighten around James. He needed this. Little does he know that James needed it as well.


	14. Chapter 13

As he waits for Kendall and James to return, Logan paces back and forth nervously, trying to rid his mind of the accumulation of thoughts that seem to be running through his mind in a jumbled up mess. His attempts, however, are futile, as that only seems to make it worse. He has always been a worrier, and as much as he tries not to, he tends to worry about the littlest things – something that the guys often tease him for. The problem is that the situation they are in now isn't just a little thing. He wishes that it was just a small problem – something that could be fixed easily, but it's not.

Carlos is his best friend – his older brother, yet is often referred to as the goofiest and most childlike of the four best friends. He's the one who picks everyone else up when they're down, and always manages to make them smile, even in the toughest of situations. He's like a ball of sunshine and happiness, and as hard as he tries, Logan can't imagine a world without him.

That's the thing about meeting someone and forming a close connection with them. Even though at one point he didn't have Carlos in his life, going on without him would surely break him and the other boys. Ever since he met them in third grade, they had all become so close that it was rare to see them apart. Where one went, the other three followed.

Their friendship is something special, something nobody can take away from them. And it makes Logan sick to his stomach knowing that all of that could be gone if Carlos doesn't make it through this. The thought terrifies him, leaves him feeling hopeless, and makes him want to disappear off the face of the earth forever. If he can't have Carlos in his life, then he doesn't want to keep going. He doesn't want to be there to see the aftermath of it all.

"Logan? Logan, are you listening?"

Startled, Logan stops pacing and looks up into the warm blue eyes that belong to Mrs. Knight. He forces a smile to form on his face and blushes under her gaze. "Sorry Mrs. Knight, I didn't hear you."

"It's okay, sweetheart," she says softly as she places a hand on his shoulder. He flinches at the contact and looks at her with guilt when she pulls away. "Carlos' parents just called. They should be arriving soon. Do you know where Kendall and James are?"

He nods, taking notice of the dark circles under her eyes, and the way she looks so fragile, it seems like she could collapse at any second. "Yeah, they umm... went outside. James wasn't feeling too well, so I guess he needed some time to cool off, and Kendall went after him a little while ago. They should be back soon."

"Is James okay? Maybe I should go check on them—"

"He's okay, just frustrated with everything," he says. He stops before adding, "He's taking this whole thing pretty hard, even though he likes to act like he isn't."

"I know. Everyone is taking it pretty hard. How are you doing?"

Logan shrugs his shoulders and looks down at the floor, not wanting to look her in the eyes as he thinks about how he's really doing. "I've been better," he says quietly, doing his best to seem okay so that she doesn't worry. "I'm just afraid, I guess."

She gives him a sympathetic look before pulling him into a hug, something he didn't know he needed until he found himself in her arms. "I know it's scary. You boys have never had to be put in a situation like this one. But Carlos is one of the strongest people I know, and I am sure that he's going to make it through this. He loves you boys so much. He wouldn't give up on you."

Logan pulls away, tears blurring his vision as he looks her in the eye. "He tried to kill himself," Logan manages to say. "He did try to give up on us."

"Honey, no." The woman sighs as she looks at the 16-year-old, taking his face in between her hands and drying the tears that are now running down his cheeks. "Carlos loves all three of you very much. I know that right now, it may seem like he tried to give up on you, and you may not understand this, but I'm sure that that was not his intention when he did what he did. He was not in a good state of mind, and he did not try to kill himself because he was trying to give up on you. I can assure you of that."

"Then w-why?" Logan finds himself asking. It is the one question that won't leave him alone. He wants answers, and he wants them now.

"Unfortunately, that is something only Carlos will be able to tell you when he wakes up."

"If..."

"What?" Mrs. Knight asks, staring at him with confusion.

"You said, 'when he wakes up.' What _if_ he doesn't? What happens then?"

"Logan, that's not going to happen—"

"But what if it does? What if we lose him? Things won't be the same again, nothing will be the same again. It's always been all four of us, ever since I moved here. He's my best friend. I can't lose him. As much as he can be a nuisance at times, I love him... and going on without him just wouldn't feel right. A piece of me would be missing..."

"Look, honey, I know you're scared, and that there is a possibility that that could happen. But we must have faith, we must not give up on him so easily, because as hopeless as things may seem right now, it doesn't mean that they actually are."

Logan nods wordlessly, wanting to believe her, but he finds it hard to do so. "When can we see him?" he asks after seconds of silence pass by. "I really want to see him. I need to make sure he's okay... as okay as he can be, I mean."

"Not yet, but I'm sure that we will be able to see him soon. But for now, just know that he is in good hands, and that the doctors are doing everything they can to make sure that he stays alive."

"Thank you, Mama Knight," Logan quietly says. "You should get back to Katie. I don't think she should be left alone right now."

"I will, but I'd rather you boys join us once Kendall and James get back."

"We will," the brunet says reassuringly. "If they don't get back soon, I'll go get them."

She gives him one last hug, and then he watches her leave. Soon after, he sees Kendall and James enter the hospital and head in his direction.

"Hey, Logie," Kendall says softly, pulling him into a one-arm hug. "Sorry for taking so long."

"Are you guys okay? You both look awful."

"You don't look too good yourself, buddy," Kendall says as he looks him up and down, worry clouding his features. "Did something happen while we were gone?"

Logan shakes his head as he leans against the wall, his head lolling to the side. "Nothing happened, I was just talking to your mom, that's all. She said Carlos' parents should be here soon."

"I can't imagine how they're going to take all of this. He's their only child."

"Will you stop doing that? Didn't we just talk about this?"

"Stop doing what?" Kendall asks in confusion.

"You make it sound like he's already dead, or like he's bound to die. I don't want to think like that anymore. Please."

"I'm sorry..."

"Guys, can we not argue, please?" Logan asks the two younger boys, who stare back at him with guilty looks. He then turns to Kendall, nudging him on the arm. "We should get back to where your mom is, Kendall. She's worried about all of us."

"Okay." The blond doesn't say anything else as he turns around – not even looking back to see if James and Logan are following him – and heads in the direction of where his mom and Katie are.

"Is it just me, or is he acting really weird?" Logan whispers to James, who shrugs his shoulders in response.

"He's Kendall," James says simply. "Unpredictable and too stubborn for his own good."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means what it means... Come on, we should go."

Logan follows close behind once James turns around to leave, not being able to shake off the feeling that the two boys are hiding something from him.


	15. Chapter 14

_Pain is inevitable; no matter how hard you try to run from it, you can't escape it. Kendall knows this – he has had his fair share of painful moments throughout his life, but none like the one he is currently in._

_The sadness envelops him, suffocating him, leaving him breathless – making him feel like he's in some kind of endless maze, with no way of escape. There's a part of him that wants to scream and run away, because he doesn't know how to face the reality that he's in. But there's also a part of him that simply wants to fall to his knees and burst into tears. He feels like a ghost, simply floating on through life. He has felt like that for days, but now more than ever._

_"H-How do you say goodbye to someone who means so much to you?" Logan asks, his voice shaking as he turns to face Kendall. His eyes are glassy with tears he has yet to shed, and his hands, which are hanging by his side, are trembling quite forcefully._

_Kendall swallows the lump that has grown in his throat and sighs, shutting his eyes for a second to suppress the tears he knows are waiting to fall. "I don't know. I just... I don't know, Logan." He stumbles over his own words, cursing at himself mentally for appearing to be so weak. He had tried so hard to prepare himself, in case something like this were to happen, but it was useless. After all, how can someone prepare themselves for the loss of a friend – and not only a friend, but a best friend they all considered to be a brother?_

_For the first time ever, he has no answers. He knows that nothing he says will be able to make Logan's pain fade away. Nothing anyone says will be able to make anything better. Only one person can make it all go away, and that one person isn't there anymore. He's gone, and no amount of tears will ever bring him back._

This is all your fault._ That one sentence echoes in his mind time and time again, and he can't seem to make it go away. It doesn't help that James is standing just a few feet away, glaring daggers in his direction. He can't help but wonder if the older boy blames him for Carlos' death. He already blames himself, and the guilt is eating him alive._

_Kendall's the leader of their tight-knit little group – he's the glue that keeps them all together and that prevents them all from falling apart whenever they are faced with a tough situation. He's the one who is expected – at least in his eyes – to look out for the others. But by failing to notice how much Carlos was hurting, he has not only failed him, but James and Logan as well, and for that, he hates himself more than ever before._

_Minutes tick by, but to him everything seems to be going in slow motion. He has trouble making out what's real and what isn't, because everything's a blur in his eyes._

_He presses the palms of his hands to his face as the casket that is carrying Carlos' body is slowly lowered into the six-foot hole on the ground. He feels the tears begin to flood down his face. Beside him, he hears Logan start to cry._

_"No!" James' cry rings in his ears, making him jump in surprise as he watches the brunet sprint towards the casket. He doesn't even realize he has started moving, until he's holding onto James, who is crying into his suit, feebly hitting him in an attempt to escape. "Let me go! P-Please just let me g-go."_

_And in that moment, he wishes that his and Carlos' roles could be reversed, because he feels like he deserves to be the one buried six feet underground._

* * *

"Kendall?"

Started by Logan's voice, Kendall jolts awake and turns to face the brunet, who is sitting to his left. He hadn't meant to fall asleep, but he was exhausted from barely having slept the night before.

"Hey, are you okay? You're crying," Logan questions worriedly. Kendall looks like a wreck, both emotionally and physically, and he's worried he'll send himself spiraling out of control like he always does when faced with an extremely difficult situation.

"I'm... I'm fine." The blond starts to wipe away his tears, which he hadn't even noticed were even there to begin with. He tries to stand up and walk away from the brunet, but Logan follows his actions and grabs him by the shoulder, stopping him in his tracks.

"Will you please stop lying to me? I'd rather you tell me you're not okay, than have you bottle it up until it becomes too much. You think I don't know you tend to do that?"

"He hates me, Logan..."

"What? What are you talking about? Who hates you?" Logan asks as he guides Kendall to sit back down. He's thankful that they're sitting quite a few feet away from Mrs. Knight and Katie, since they won't be able to hear what Kendall has to say. He briefly takes in his surroundings and realizes that James is nowhere to be seen, even though he had said he'd be right behind him.

"J-James. James hates me."

"Ken... James does not hate you. Why would you think that? You're one of his best friends. He could never."

"He's been snapping at me and getting mad at me, because apparently, I fuck everything up. I know it's my fault. I know it's my fault Carlos is in the hospital, it's my fault for not helping him sooner, it's all my fault. And damn it, if he d-dies, I don't think I will be able to live with myself. I can't... I can't live with the guilt."

"Kendall, you need to calm down – you're panicking, you're overthinking everything. You can't blame yourself for this. If you do, it will destroy you mentally. I know you like to think you're some kind of superhero, who has to look out for everyone, but you're not, Kendall. You're only human, like me, like James... like Carlos. I know you feel guilty, and I know that nothing I say will be able to make things better, but please just listen to what I have to say, okay?"

The dirty blond nods his head, not looking Logan in the eye, because he doesn't want him to see the pools of tears that have built up once more.

"We can sit here and blame ourselves and each other, or we can stick together and choose to be there for one another. We can't let this break us apart. You know James loves you, and you know I love you, and Carlos loves you, and no one blames you for what happened, except yourself. James is upset – he doesn't know how to deal with what's happened, as I'm sure none of us do. Of course, that doesn't make it okay for him to take his anger out on you. I'll talk to him, okay? I'll knock some sense into him if I have to, but know that he does not blame you for anything, and he certainly does not hate you."

"He's right, you know. I don't hate you."

James walks towards them, taking the seat to Kendall's right. The younger boy, however, refuses to look in his direction.

"I know I've been acting like a jerk. I'm a hypocrite. I tell you that everything's okay between us, and then I get upset at you again, but the truth is... I'm not upset at you, Kendall. I'm just so... mad at myself, because I don't know who else to be mad at, and I guess, for some stupid reason, I decided to take that anger out on you. I just don't want to think about what might happen... I don't want to think negatively; I want to look on the bright side of things."

"You can't always do that, James... Not when something like this happens," Kendall mumbles without looking up. "I'm sorry if it seems like I'm being really negative about this whole situation, but I honestly... don't know what else to think. My mind's a mess right now."

"So is mine." James sighs and reaches for Kendall's hand, tightening his hold around it. "And yeah, I know that I need to face the reality of it all, but... we need to keep our heads up, too. We need to have hope – hope that things will get better. And, Logan's right." He looks up at Logan, who is looking back at him with a look full of sorrow. "In order to do that, we gotta be there for each other, no matter what happens."

"I know... I just... I kind of f-feel like this is all my fault somehow. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be thinking that way, but it's like my brain won't shut up."

"I know how you feel," James says softly as he wraps his arm around Kendall's shoulders, signaling with his other arm for Logan to join them. As soon as he does, he pulls him into the hug as well. "But we need to stop blaming ourselves, no matter how hard it may be. We gotta try, at least. We don't even know why he did it – what caused him to think about ending his own life. And I know it's hard... It's far from easy, but that's why we have each other; to lean on when things get hard. After all, isn't that what friends are for?"


	16. Chapter 15

"Hey."

James looks up as someone takes a seat next to him on the bench he is sitting on, relieved to find that it's just Logan.

"Hey," he says quietly as he looks back down. "Why are you out here?"

"Well, I disappeared for only a minute, and when I came back, Kendall said that you were out here, so I decided to join you. Also, I wanted to ask you a question. Hopefully you won't mind."

James lifts his head and stares at his smaller friend, curiosity getting the best of him. "What did you wanna ask me?" he asks, his voice surprisingly steady, despite the wave of nausea that drapes over him. He has a feeling that whatever it is that Logan is about to ask him, is not something he'll want to answer.

"Earlier when we were talking to Kendall, you mentioned that you were mad at yourself, because of what happened to Carlos. And I just... wanted to know why that is? Why are you mad at yourself? Out of the three of us, you seem to be the one who is taking this harder than anyone. And I understand that, because even though we're all best friends, you guys have always been extremely close, just like I am with Kendall. But, you keep saying we shouldn't blame ourselves or each other, so why are you?"

James sighs, his eyes filling with an emotion Logan doesn't quite recognize. "It's a long story, Logan. A long and complicated story, that I'd rather forget about."

"You can trust me, you know. It's fine if you don't want to tell me, I won't force it out of you. But right now, it seems like you need someone. I may not be able to make the pain go away, but I _can_ listen."

James looks hesitant for a few seconds, as he debates whether or not he should tell Logan about this dark secret. A secret he has bottled up for years, which he had promised himself to not tell anyone about. He's afraid of his reaction; afraid he'll react in a negative manner, or will be upset for not telling him sooner.

"I'll tell you, but only if you promise to not be mad. I don't think I can handle anyone being mad at me right now..."

"James, look at me," Logan says as he reaches for James' arm, earning his attention. "I won't be mad at you. Whatever it is, you can trust me, I promise."

The taller brunet nods and takes a deep breath, his eyes moving to his lap. "A few years ago, when we were around thirteen, things were really bad. I'm sure you remember this, but my dad wasn't around – not all the time, at least. It was around the time when I would spend the weekdays with my mom, and the weekends with my dad. It was tiring... I felt like a yo-yo as I was dragged from one house to the other, sometimes even against my will. You see, I didn't really feel like a person anymore... I felt like a possession, but they didn't seem to get that. They didn't see how much it was hurting me."

"Parents can be such jerks," Logan mutters under his breath.

James nods his head. "That's not even the worst of it," he mumbles. "I was stressed beyond belief. Everything around me seemed to be falling apart. My grades were slipping, the bond between my mom and dad seemed to be becoming smaller and smaller. Everything was so horrible... It was all becoming too much."

Logan had an idea of where this story was headed, but he didn't say anything, in hopes that he was wrong. He didn't want to be right.

"So... one day, I had had enough. School had been hell that day – one of the teachers had humiliated me and yelled at me in front of the whole class, because I had failed to finish an essay. I felt like such a failure. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone, especially my parents. My best wasn't enough. Nothing was enough. So that day... I went home, and I... I c-cut for the first time." He shields his face with his hands, trying to stop the tears that have welled up in his eyes. "And after that, it became like a routine. It was addicting. And as much as it hurt, I thought I deserved it."

"You didn't," Logan whispers, sorrow now reflecting in his eyes. "Just because your life was crappy, does not mean that you deserved to hurt yourself."

"I know. I mean, I didn't back then, but I do now. Back then, I just didn't really care about myself, like at all. I was tired of everything. I was tired of trying, tired of living. I wanted to d-die," he chokes on the last word, his tears now falling down his face freely. "And nobody could see it. Nobody could see how broken I was... how done I was with life."

"I'm sorry, James..."

"Don't." James looks up at Logan, who is wiping under his eyes with the sleeves of his shirt. "I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I hid it really well, especially from the three of you. It just fucking sucks that my _parents_ couldn't see how much what they were doing was affecting my mental health, because they were too caught up in how much hatred they had for each other."

"You don't do it anymore, right...?"

James shakes his head. "No, I stopped before we moved to LA. It was hard, and it hurt like hell, but I knew that I couldn't do that to myself anymore. I had to stop. I couldn't let my parents' selfishness and irrational decisions affect my own life."

"I'm glad you stopped."

"So am I. That's not the point, though. The point is, I know what it feels like to feel absolutely hopeless; to not want to live anymore. So, I guess I feel like I should've known. I should've known Carlos wasn't okay, but I didn't..."

"Come here." Logan pulls James closer and wraps his arms around him, as the younger boy shields his face against the crook of Logan's neck, sobbing loudly.

"I failed him, Logan. I f-fucked up."

"No, you didn't. You haven't failed anyone," he murmurs as he rocks James from side to side. "Carlos will be okay. He will get better."

"I s-still should've known," he hiccups.

"You can't change the past. What happened, happened. All we can do now is wait, and do our best to not lose hope. We can't give up on him. He needs us, now more than ever. And in order to be there for him, we need to take care of ourselves and each other, so that when he _does_ wake up, he has someone to lean on. If we don't take care of each other, how are we supposed to be there for him?"

"I g-guess you're right."

"I know it's hard, trust me, I do. I know Kendall blames himself too, and if I'm being honest, I feel really guilty, too, but blaming ourselves won't change what happened. We can't dwell on the past."

"I know we can't. It's just... not easy."

"I know it's not." Logan sighs. He wishes he could just wave a wand and make everything okay again, but that's not how life works. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows – sometimes it's storms and tornadoes. "But, it's like you told Kendall – that's why we have each other. As long as we have each other, we can get through anything."


	17. Chapter 16

"Carlos' parents are here." That's Kendall's voice, filled with evident sadness as he stands in front of James and Logan. He wraps his arms around himself and takes a seat beside Logan, not turning to look either of them in the eye. "They're really upset. I don't think they expected something like this to happen either."

"I don't think anyone did," Logan says quietly.

"I just want him to wake up, you know? I want him to be okay," James mumbles from where he's sitting to Logan's left. "But... even if he does wake up, that doesn't mean he's out of harm's way, does it?" he asks, turning to the shorter brunet, who looks at him with sorrow-filled eyes and shakes his head.

"Not exactly. We won't really know until he wakes up, which could take hours or even days. Not even the doctors know when he will. We don't know how he will react... We don't know anything."

"I'm... I'm scared." Kendall looks down at his feet, purposely avoiding looking at them for a reason. He has never really been the kind of person to admit when he's scared, so saying it out loud makes him feel embarrassed, though he knows he shouldn't be. "I'm scared of how things will be afterwards. I'm scared this will happen again."

"It won't," Logan affirms. "It won't happen again. We won't let it happen again."

James stands up and shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans, kicking a pebble that is lying on the ground. "We shouldn't make promises we can't keep," he says quietly, before walking away from them and back into the hospital.

"He's not taking this well," Kendall whispers under his breath, finally turning to Logan. The smaller boy shakes his head and watches James' retreating figure from where he's sitting. "I wish there was something we could do to help him."

"Me too, Kendall, but I don't think he's going to feel any better, until he sees that Carlos is okay... or at least, that he's going to be okay. Right now, no one is sure of anything, so he probably doesn't know what to think."

"To be honest, I don't know what to think either. Nobody is telling us anything, and I'm tired of waiting around for someone to tell us what's going on."

"I am, too, but there's not much that can be done about that."

"I wish there was," Kendall murmurs. "I hate that I have no control over anything right now. I can't even control my emotions. I feel pathetic."

"You're not pathetic." Logan pats the space between them, urging him to move closer. Kendall looks at him with hesitance in his eyes, before scooting closer to his friend. Logan gives him a small smile as he reaches for Kendall's hand that is resting on his lap. "You're not pathetic for having feelings; you're just human, like the rest of us. We'll get through this."

"That's what I keep telling myself," Kendall sighs, his fingers tightening around Logan's, "but if I'm being honest, right now, it's hard to believe it. It's... it's just hard."

"I know it is." The brunet lets his head rest against Kendall's shoulder and Kendall leans his head against the top of his. "It's gonna be okay."

"I hope so... We should go back inside, or else mom will worry."

Logan nods, and the two of them stand up and head in the direction of the hospital's entrance, but Kendall takes ahold of Logan's arm before they reach it, stopping him in his tracks.

"Wait."

"What?" Logan turns around, giving the younger boy a confused look. "What's wrong?"

Kendall shakes his head and grabs Logan by the shoulders, pulling him away from the automatic doors. "It's just that..."

"That what?"

"I just wanted to warn you."

"Warn me about what?" Logan asks, his heartbeat quickening. "Kendall, just tell me, you're scaring me..."

"It's... it's nothing to be scared of. Carlos' parents are just... they're not okay, so just be warned."

"What do you mean?"

"When I left, Carlos' mom was in hysterics. It was all just really heartbreaking and overwhelming, and his dad was no better, so I don't know if they'll be doing any better now. I just wanted to warn you. I thought you should know."

Logan wordlessly nods as he feels his eyes burn with tears. "Thanks, Kendall," he says quietly, blinking rapidly in hopes that he will be able to stop the tears from falling.

"Do you need a hug?" Kendall asks, but he doesn't have to wait for a reply, as Logan takes a couple of steps towards him and wraps his arms around his neck. "It's okay," Kendall whispers, his own arms moving to wrap around the shorter boy. "It's okay to cry."

"I don't want to," Logan mumbles against the fabric of Kendall's shirt.

Kendall pulls away, holding onto Logan, but keeping him a few inches away, so that he can look him in the eye. "You can't keep your feelings bottled up, Loges. It won't do you any good... trust me. The more you keep everything bottled up, the more it will destroy you."

"I know," the brunet mumbles. "Can I ask you a question, though?"

"Anything."

"Do you... do you really think Carlos will get better?"

"Honestly? I don't know, but I do think that if he wants to, he will."

"It's not really up to him, though. Not right now, at least."

"Maybe not, but... I think that if he has a reason to get better... a reason to keep living, he will recover. Perhaps he just needs a little help."

"How can we help him, though? He's unconscious, he can't hear us."

"I'll tell you once we're inside, so that James knows as well. Come on," Kendall says, nudging Logan inside. When they reach the waiting room, they're surprised to find James and Katie sitting together by themselves, with Mrs. Knight and the Garcias nowhere in sight.

"Where's my mom and Carlos' parents?" Kendall asks, looking around the room, but he recognizes no one around them.

"Your mom took Carlos' parents to the cafeteria. She said she wanted to talk to them and try to get them to calm down, so I stayed here with Katie."

"Oh, okay. I actually need to talk to you guys about something," the blond says, taking a seat in front of James and turning around, so that he can look at him and Katie. Logan takes a seat beside him and follows his actions, so that they're all now facing each other.

"What about?" James asks, looking up and meeting Kendall's eyes.

"I was talking to Logan, about how Carlos has to have a reason to get better, and well... This is probably gonna sound cheesy and stupid, but... When I was little, and my dad was in the hospital after his car crash, my mom always told me to try to talk to him. She would tell me that even though he wasn't conscious, he could still hear me. So I would talk to him, about anything and everything. I don't really know if he could really hear me, but... I was thinking we could do that for Carlos."

"You want us to talk to him?" James asks.

Kendall nods. "He needs to know somebody cares; he needs to know how much he means to us. He needs to have a reason to keep going. I don't know if talking to him will help, but I think it's worth a shot. I think we should at least try."

"And you think this will help him get better?" Katie questions her older brother.

Kendall shrugs his shoulders. "It might. It might make him realize he's not alone."

"He was never alone," Logan says softly.

"But he might've thought that," James says. "I think it's a good idea. We should do it."

"So... what do you two say?" Kendall asks, turning to both Katie and Logan.

Katie nods her head and gives him a small smile. "Definitely. If it might help, then of course, I'll do it."

"And you?" Kendall turns to Logan, poking him on the side with his index finger.

"Well, I think we should at least try. I mean, what do we have to lose, right?"


	18. Chapter 17

"Boys, please go home, get some sleep."

Kendall groans from where he's sitting, struggling to keep his eyes open. "Mom, we already told you, we're not leaving. Not when Carlos needs us," he says, lifting his head from where it had been resting on James' shoulder. "We'll be fine."

"It might be a while until we hear anything, honey. You three need to get some sleep."

"But mom—"

"I think your mom's right, Kendall," Logan speaks up to his left. "We haven't really slept at all, and we can't help Carlos if we're sleep deprived and aren't able to function. We should go, even if it's just for a couple hours. She'll call if anything happens, right Mrs. Knight?" He looks up then, offering her a small smile.

"Of course I will."

Kendall sighs but sits up, turning to look at James. "You think we should?" he asks him, still unsure of what they should do.

"I guess," he says as he stands up and turns to Logan and Kendall. "But just for a couple of hours."

"Just for a couple of hours," Logan repeats, following his actions.

"Come on, we'll be back," Logan urges Kendall, who remains unmoving. He extends a hand for the taller boy to take, which he does after a brief moment of hesitation.

It's not until they're outside of the hospital and away from the others, that everything hits them like a truck.

"This cannot be happening," James mutters, struggling to stop himself from crying. "I can't... It just can't be happening."

Kendall wastes no time in pulling him into a hug with one arm, as he pulls Logan closer with the other. "He's going to be okay, guys," he says, even though it's something that he can't quite bring himself to believe. "We'll make sure of it. As soon as he's out of here, we will not allow him to hurt again."

"You can't stop someone from hurting, Kendall," Logan says. "You can try... we can try to protect him, but no one is ever one hundred percent safe from being in pain."

"I know, Logan," he says, and he does know. He knows there's no way he can keep Carlos from hurting ever again, but that doesn't mean he's not going to try as hard as he can to make it happen. "But I will not allow him to hurt so much again."

Logan doesn't say anything, as he stares at James with worried eyes, taking notice of the expression of utter sadness that is present on his face. "James?" he calls him, but he only receives a hum in response. "Are you okay, James?"

"I'm fine," he mumbles as he pulls away from the hug and starts walking towards their parked car.

Kendall and Logan follow closely behind, with Kendall wrapping an arm around Logan's shoulders as he sees he's fighting back tears.

"James, are you sure you want to drive? Because I'll drive if you can't—" Kendall says when they reach the car, only to find James already sitting on the driver's seat, his knuckles white from how tightly he's gripping the steering wheel. Logan has already climbed into the backseat, but Kendall's still standing outside, with one hand holding on to the door's handle.

"It's fine. Keep Logie company," James interrupts.

Kendall hesitates before answering, debating whether or not he should argue with the brunet, but he decides not to, because he doesn't want to make things worse. "Okay," he mumbles as he climbs into the backseat beside Logan. He wraps an arm around the smaller boy, smiling faintly as Logan curls up against his side.

James stays silent where he's sitting, his gaze locked on what's in front of him. It's not until Kendall opens his mouth to speak, that he makes a sound.

"I'm such an idiot." Kendall's voice cuts through the air like a knife, forcing James to turn to look at him and Logan to grow rigid in his hold.

"No, Kendall. We are not going to play the blame game. If you even think about saying this is your fault, then I suggest for you to not even open your mouth and stop thinking like that. Would he want you to be blaming yourself?" James sounds like a hypocrite, and perhaps he is one, but he doesn't care. He's tired and upset, and he feels absolutely useless.

"You don't understand, James. You don't get it! I should have n-noticed..."

_We all should have_, James thinks, but he doesn't say anything as he climbs into the backseat and pulls both Kendall and Logan close, finally allowing the tears to fall. They stay huddled together for a few minutes, seeking comfort in each other's arms, but it seems like it isn't enough, because something's missing. Someone is missing.

"How did we... how did we end up here?" Kendall asks when James starts to pull away.

"I don't know," he replies, because he doesn't really have an answer to that question. None of them really do have an answer. They're all lost without Carlos, because he was the one who knew how to cheer everyone up in times of chaos. He was the one who always managed to bring a smile to their faces, no matter how bad of a mood they might have been in. He was the sun in a rainy day. He was everything to them, and now they don't have him. Now he's gone, and they don't know if they'll ever get him back. "All I know is that I'm tired, and my head's a mess, and I really don't know what the fuck to d-do."

Logan flinches at the harsh tone in James' voice, which doesn't go unnoticed by the taller boy. "I'm sorry, Logie," he chokes out. "I'm so sorry."

Receiving no response, he climbs back to the driver's seat and starts the car, before pulling away from the parking lot and driving in the direction of the Palm Woods.

* * *

"C-can I come in?"

It's over forty minutes later. Logan and Kendall are in their room, both of them indulged in their own thoughts, when James appears in the doorway. His eyes are bloodshot from crying, and he looks like he can barely sustain his weight on his own two feet.

"Sure," Kendall says, but his eyes don't move away from where he has been staring at the ceiling for a good twenty minutes straight. Logan nods from where he's laying, staring at the doorway, with his back to Kendall.

He feels awkward and exposed, and it's something that he's not used to, at least not when it comes to Kendall and Logan. He has always felt like he can go to them for anything, but now he feels like he would just be putting a burden on their shoulders – a burden they don't need.

"I..." He opens his mouth, but closes it right after, unsure of what to say. "I c-can't be in my room... in _our_ room. I can't be in there. It hurts too much. I j-just want to go back to the hospital. I don't wanna be here."

"Then let's go," Kendall says as he finally turns to look at him. "I mean, what's the point of being here? I know Mom wanted us to get some rest, but I can't, and from what I can tell, neither can the two of you."

Logan suddenly lets out a small whimper and clutches his stomach tightly. Two seconds later, he's bolting out of the room, almost knocking James over in the process.

"Logan, where are you going?" Kendall calls out, but he receives no response. They hear the bathroom door close shut, followed by the sound of Logan throwing up.

The two boys waste no time in running after him and pushing the door open. There, they find Logan sitting on the floor, with his back pressed against the wall and eyes partially closed.

"Logan? Logie, are you okay?" Kendall asks, kneeling down in front of the smaller boy.

"I'm fine," Logan mumbles in response, but not even five seconds later, he's scrambling back towards the toilet, to throw up some more. "Or not," he admits once he's finished.

Kendall shares a worried look with James as the two boys move forward and help Logan to his feet. They drag him back to his room despite his protests, and force him to lay down.

"Guys, I was joking, I'm fine. I'm not sick, okay?"

"You should still lay down for a bit," James says, pushing him back down when he attempts to sit up.

"But James—"

"Logan, please listen to me."

Sighing, the smaller boy complies, not wanting to argue anymore. He's tired of arguing, and frankly, he doesn't have the energy to put up a fight.

"Umm, guys, my mom's calling," Kendall says quietly, as he stares at his phone, which he is holding with shaking hands. "What if something happened...?"

"Just answer her," James says.

Kendall nods and answers the phone, a feeling of dread draping over him. "Mom? Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine, sweetheart. I mean, nothing bad has happened," she corrects herself, knowing everything's not really fine, "but the doctor came by to let us know that Carlos is stable and we can go see him. I thought you'd want to know."

"Finally," he sighs in relief. "We'll be right over. Thanks for letting me know."

When he hangs up, he looks up to find James and Logan looking at him with hope in their eyes.

"He woke up...?" James asks, smiling widely, but his smile disappears as soon as Kendall shakes his head.

"No, but he's stable, and they're allowing visitors, so we can go see him."

"Oh..." James looks down and without warning starts to cry, alarming the two boys in front of him.

"Hey, James, it's okay. Jay, don't cry, it's all gonna be okay," Kendall whispers as he pulls him into a hug.

"I-I-I thought he was awake," he cries into the fabric of Kendall's shirt. "I thought he was o-okay. I thought—"

"He _will_ be okay." This time, it's Logan who speaks up. "He will be okay, and he will wake up, okay? These kinds of things take time, though. I know it feels like it's taking forever, but he will wake up."

"I just wish there was something we could do."

"I know," Kendall whispers, briefly pressing his lips to the top of James' head. "There is something we can do, though – we can go see him and talk to him. I know it might seem like nothing, but it might help somehow."

"Yeah, remember what we said? We said we'd talk to him and help him realize how much he is cared for and needed. He might hear us, he might not, but we'll never know if we don't try," Logan reminded him, patting him on the back. "So come on, let's go see him."

"I'm scared to," James admits.

"Why are you scared?"

"Because he'll look so broken, and I don't think I'm ready to see him like that."

"We'll go with you," Kendall says. "We're in this together, you know. You don't have to do anything alone if you don't want to."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Okay... I guess we can go, then."

"Good, but I'm driving," Logan says as he grabs the car keys from where they're sitting on his nightstand.

"Yeah, that's not happening." No sooner has he grabbed them, that Kendall snatches them from his hand. "You're not driving after what just happened, and neither is James. I'll drive."

Logan groans and rolls his eyes in obvious annoyance. "I told you I'm fine."

"It doesn't matter, I'm driving."

"Fine," Logan mutters as he glares in his direction, "but your driving is awful, so you better not kill us."

"Hey! My driving is not awful!"

"Kind of is," James mumbles as he swings his legs over the edge of the bed and stands up.

"Whose side are you on?"

"Yours?"

"You don't sound too sure about that."

James smiles, nudging Kendall on the side. "That's because I'm lying. Your driving _is_ awful."

"Do you guys wanna get there or not?"

Logan and James stay silent as they follow the blond out of the room, closing the door behind them. They're halfway out the front door, when James stops them.

"Hey guys... should I take Carlos' helmet with us?" he asks, staring at the black helmet that is resting on the orange couch in the living room. "Maybe he'll need it."

"He's in the hospital, James. He's safe there, he doesn't need it," Logan points out.

"Yeah, but..." he sighs, tearing his gaze away from it. "Forget it. It was a stupid idea anyway."

"No, I think it's a good idea. It might come in handy."

James sends Kendall a grateful smile and walks towards the couch to grab it. He then walks back to where Kendall and Logan are standing, their eyes now locked on the helmet as well.

"He should've been wearing it last night," Kendall mumbles to himself quietly, a hint of sadness evident in his voice. "Maybe it would've helped somehow." James can tell from the look on his face that he's holding back tears. They all are.

"Let's just go," Logan says as he grabs onto Kendall's arm, pulling him out of the apartment. He gives James a saddened look and gestures for him to follow, which he does once he's sure he's locked the door.

* * *

"Well, we're here."

Kendall stares at the hospital in front of them. He has no intention of getting out of the car, and judging by the fact that James and Logan have not moved an inch, neither do they.

"Now that I think about it, I don't wanna be here either," James chokes out brokenly, wiping away the few tears that have managed to escape. "I hate this place."

"We have to," Kendall says. "He needs us."

James nods and reaches for the door handle. He hesitates before opening it and stepping outside. He feels sick just standing there, so he can only imagine how awful he will feel once he actually sees Carlos.

"Come on, Logie." He reaches for Logan's hand with the one hand that isn't holding on to Carlos' helmet and helps him out. "Kendall, aren't you coming?"

"Yeah, I'm coming."

"You aren't moving."

A shaky sigh slips from his lips as he lets his head rest against the steering wheel, his eyes brimming with tears. "I know," he mumbles. "Just go ahead and go inside. I'll be there in a few minutes."

"We're not going in there without you," Logan says as they both walk around the car to the driver's side. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Kendall, stop lying to us."

"This place just brings back bad memories, okay?" He finally looks up, but doesn't turn towards either of them. "Bad memories of my dad. Memories of when he died. They're memories I wish I could forget, but every single time I step foot into a hospital, I'm reminded of them."

"Do you want us to wait in there with you? Because we don't mind."

Shaking his head, Kendall pushes the door open and steps out.

"Come on." James takes a step towards him and hugs him tightly, motioning for Logan to get closer. "We'll be okay. We will _all_ be okay. I know you're scared because your dad died in a hospital, and you're scared it will happen again, but it won't, okay? It won't."

"How do you know that?" Kendall asks. "How do you know it won't?"

"I don't, but I know that if Carlos was here, he'd probably chew our ears off for even thinking that."

"I just can't imagine a life without him. He was safe just twenty-four hours ago... He was okay. And now... now he's in the hospital, fighting for his life. How does something like that happen? How could we let this happen?"

"Because we're idiots," Logan speaks up. "But like you said, we're going to do everything we can to protect him once he's out of here. We will not lose him to this. We _can't_."


	19. Chapter 18

"So... who's going to go in first?" James asks, his gaze moving from Logan to Kendall. Logan just stares back at him and then at the floor, stuffing his hands inside his jeans' pockets. He doesn't say anything in response. "Kendall?"

The blond swallows hard and stares back at James. "Yeah?"

James' eyes move to the door that is separating them from their best friend, and he motions towards it with a shrug of his shoulder. "Who should go first?" he asks, looking to Kendall for an answer.

"Can't we all just go in at once?" Logan finally speaks out, lifting his head and looking at his two best friends. He hates the tension that has grown between them. He hates that they're all acting differently. Kendall doesn't sound at all like the leader he's always known – he seems broken in a way, afraid and cautious, as if he's unsure of himself. And James' eyes reflect nothing but fear and uncertainty, and he hates it. He can't really blame them, though – not when he doesn't feel like himself either. He, too, feels uncertain and afraid and is being consumed by guilt.

"We could, if you guys want—"

"You guys go," Kendall cuts in, not meeting their eyes. "Go see Carlos. I'll go afterwards."

"But Kendall—"

"Just go, Logan," he says stubbornly, offering him a small smile. "Seriously, go."

Logan sends James a worried look, not quite knowing what to do.

"Come on, Logie," James says as he reaches for Logan's arm and tugs him towards him. He sends Kendall a worried look – he doesn't have to say anything for Kendall to know what he's thinking. He knows something is up.

Kendall watches as James hesitantly reaches for the doorknob of Carlos' hospital room and pushes the door open. He walks inside, gently pulling Logan behind him, and then closes the door, leaving Kendall standing by himself outside the room.

"Aren't you gonna go inside?"

Startled, Kendall turns around, only to be met by the sight of Katie, who has her arms crossed over her chest and a frown plastered on her face.

"I... Yeah, I'm just... I just wanted them to go in first, you know? Thought maybe all of us going in at once would be too much."

"You're lying," Katie blurts out, raising an eyebrow at her older brother. "You're not a very good liar, big brother. What's going on?"

Kendall sighs, knowing fully well that he can't fool her. Katie's wise beyond her years and can tell when something is bothering him. It's something Kendall hates, because he feels like she shouldn't be worrying over him. He is the oldest after all; she's only eleven. Even with the boys, he feels like they shouldn't worry over him.

"I feel like this is all my fault somehow," he says so quietly that Katie is barely able to hear him. He presses his back against the wall and lets his body slide against it, until he is sitting on the floor, with his knees pulled up to his chest. "I knew something was wrong, Katie... I had this feeling, like something wasn't quite right, but I thought, 'Hey, this is Carlos. He'd tell you if something was wrong,' but... he never did. Even when I asked, he acted like everything was okay – like he wasn't being eaten alive in the inside."

"What if he wasn't?" Katie asks as she takes a seat next to him. "What if the doctors are wrong and it really was just an accident?"

"It wasn't. They found... they found evidence of self-harm. They're doctors, Katie, I'm sure they wouldn't just assume that without knowing all the facts. Besides, what would Carlos be doing outside, in a busy intersection past midnight? Not to mention that something was off about him. He did this to himself, Katie. It wasn't an accident. We were just... too blind to realize that something was wrong."

"You shouldn't be blaming yourself for this, though. None of you should," Katie mumbles. She lets her head fall against Kendall's shoulder, her eyes staring straight ahead. "I know this whole thing sucks, and I know you feel like this is your fault for not noticing it sooner, but he kept it from you for a reason. This is nobody's fault. It's not your fault, or Logan's, or James', or Carlos'. We don't know why Carlos felt the need to hurt himself, and until we know why this happened, you shouldn't be pointing fingers, not even at yourselves."

"I know."

"Then? Why do you keep doing it?"

"I don't know, Katie. It's just my stupid brain being... stupid."

"Your brain's not stupid," Katie says, lifting her head and turning to look at Kendall. "You feel bad, because he's your best friend and you're the 'leader.' But, big brother, you're not to blame for everything. You're not Superman. I know you feel like you have to protect the guys from everything, but there are some things even you can't protect them from."

"I should have tried harder," Kendall mutters, blinking back the tears that have gathered in his eyes. "I should have tried harder, but–but I didn't, and now... now he's here because of it. He's here because I didn't try harder, because I couldn't protect him."

"Do you think Carlos would want you to blame yourself for this whole thing?"

"No..."

"Then do your best to stop blaming yourself. Go in there, be with him, be with the guys. They need you now more than ever, but you also need them, so stop bottling everything up. Let them be there for you. They care about you just as much as you care about them."

"I know, it's just... hard."

"I know, but you'll feel a lot better once you let them in, and I'm sure they will, too."

Kendall lets out a shaky sigh and turns to his younger sister, his lips turning upwards a bit in a small smile. "Yeah, I guess you're right," he mumbles before moving to stand up.

"I'm always right." Katie grins and rises to her feet as well. "Now go," she urges as she reaches for the doorknob and swings the door open, pushing Kendall inside before he can stop her.

* * *

James cautiously walks into the room, Logan hot on his heels. Nothing could have prepared him for the sight that greets him as soon as he steps foot in the hospital room. As soon as his eyes land on Carlos' still body, he feels like his legs might give out from underneath him or like he might throw up – perhaps a combination of both.

"Oh God," he hears Logan gasp from behind him, his smaller body cowering behind James'. There are countless machines and tubes that are connected to Carlos' body – tubes and machines James knows nothing about but is sure that Logan does. He can only imagine how terrifying this must be for him.

"Are you okay?" James chokes out, his eyes welling up with tears he's doing his best to hold back. "Logan?" he asks, turning around to look at the shorter brunet.

Logan hums in response, his eyes staring at the form of their best friend laying on the white hospital bed. "Just... shocked," he mutters, holding on to James' arm with a strong grip – so strong, in fact, that James wouldn't be surprised if it left some bruising. If it were any other circumstance, he would pull away, but he can't – partly because his mind is somewhere else. "Are you?" Logan asks in a shaky voice after a few seconds, his eyes never leaving Carlos.

"No," James confesses, inhaling sharply. Without another word, he moves towards Carlos' bedside, sighing in relief when Logan finally lets go of his arm.

"It's... okay to cry, you know," Logan says softly, one of his hands landing on James' shoulder. It's nice, knowing that Logan is right beside him. It's nice knowing he's not alone.

"He just... he looks so... broken," James chokes out, the fingertips of his right hand ghosting over Carlos' hand. "Oh God, how could we have let this happen?" Without warning, James collapses on the chair that was left placed beside the bed and takes Carlos' hand in between his own, no longer being able to hold back his tears. "I'm so sorry, Los. I'm so, so sorry. I'm s-sorry we couldn't see you were h-hurting. I'm sorry we weren't b-better friends. I'm s-s-sorry!"

"James..." Logan trails off, biting hard on his bottom lip to stop the tears that so desperately plead to be let loose. "James, he's not— he's not d-dead, James." The word 'dead' sounds bitter in his tongue, even though he knows that Carlos is still alive and that there is a chance he could wake up. The fact that James is talking to him as if he's already dead, makes him wonder if he ever really will wake up.

"He _looks_ dead," James replies bluntly, more tears coming to his eyes at his own words. Behind him, he hears Logan let out a sob, making him immediately regret what he has said. "Logan, I'm so sorry." He stands up and turns to Logan, wrapping both of his arms around him tightly. At first, Logan pushes against him, angry tears clouding his vision, but he eventually goes limp in James' arms and shields his face in the taller boy's shoulder.

"I don't want him to d-die," Logan stammers out, his arms wrapping around James' waist and fisting the fabric of James' jacket with his hands. "It hurts, James. It hurts so much."

"I know," James replies softly, the words barely making themselves past his lips. "I know it hurts, and I know there's nothing I can say that'll make you feel any better, but..." he trails off, unsure of what to say next. "But he'll wake up. I mean, he has to, right? This can't... this can't be the end. We can't lose him like this. We can't lose him now."

Logan nods his head but doesn't say anything.

"It's gonna be okay, Logie," James whispers in his ear as he rubs small circles against Logan's back. "I don't know how, but it's gonna be okay."

"I just want him to wake up so badly. I want to be able to talk to him."

"You _can_ talk to him."

"That's not what I mean, James." Logan pulls away, drying the tears from his face with his hand. He blinks several times before looking up at James, his eyes bloodshot and tired. "I want him to be able to respond. I want to know why he did this. I just want answers, you know? I want to be able to understand why—"

That's when Kendall walks in, stopping in front of the two boys and giving them each a questioning look. "What's going on?" he manages to choke out, growing worried.

"Nothing, Logie just kinda broke down," James responds, earning a glare from said boy.

"You did, too," Logan points out.

Kendall brushes past the two boys, taking the seat James had sat in only a few minutes before and grabbing ahold of Carlos' hand. "Hey, Litos," he whispers, his eyes landing on the smaller boy's bruised face. He sighs, his shoulders slumping as he lets his head rest against Carlos' chest, hot tears making their way to his eyes. "We need you," he mumbles, suddenly feeling like he can't breathe properly. "We need you to be okay, so please, please hang in there, okay?" He lifts his head and stares at Carlos' face, as if expecting a reaction, but there's nothing – no indication that he can hear him, no indication that he will wake up.

He feels a hand on his shoulder, and when he turns, he finds the owner of it to be James. Logan is standing at the foot of the bed, looking at him with worried brown eyes.

"Kendall, are you okay?" Logan asks quietly, as if afraid to utter those words. He wants nothing more than to go up to Kendall and hug him, but he's afraid that he'll be pushed away. Kendall doesn't usually like to admit when he's not okay, and when he does, it's usually James he runs to, because for whatever reason, he finds it easier to break down in front of James, than in front of him or Carlos. Logan thinks it might have to do with the fact that he's the leader and feels the need to protect them both, whereas James is a bit more independent and not as sensitive as the two of them. Logan knows that it's not because Kendall doesn't trust them – it's because he feels the need to be strong around them both, but with James, it's not always like that.

"I don't know," he mumbles, struggling to get to his feet. He feels everything around him start to rotate, as if he's in a merry-go-round instead of a hospital room, and there are black spots dancing around in his vision. "I don't..."

Before James or Logan can comprehend what is happening, Kendall's eyes roll to the back of his head and he falls backwards, startling James, who is almost knocked off his feet by Kendall's weight collapsing against him.

"Kendall?" James' eyes go wide, and he turns to Logan wish a shocked expression on his face. "Kendall, can you hear me? Kendall, please say something," he says with more desperation in his voice, but Kendall remains limp in his arms.


	20. Chapter 19

"You really scared me." James' voice shakes as he utters that one sentence, his head turning a bit to the left to stare at Kendall. The two of them, along with Logan, are sitting in the back of the BTR Mobile, while Mrs. Knight and Katie are in the front.

He can feel Kendall nudge him on the side from where he's sitting beside him, his head resting on James' shoulder. "I'm sorry," he says quietly, his eyes opening just a bit. "I didn't mean to."

From where Logan is sitting to Kendall's left, he stares at them and sighs softly. He feels sick to his stomach and he can't think straight. The day isn't even halfway over, but he's already exhausted beyond belief. He's exhausted physically, due to lack of sleep, but he's even more exhausted emotionally, and he can tell that Kendall and James are, too.

After finding out that Kendall had passed out, Mrs. Knight had insisted that they go back home and get some much-needed sleep, for the second time that day. The boys, of course, had refused, so she had decided to drive them there herself, which is where they were currently headed.

"I feel like crap," Kendall groans when they're just about two blocks away from the Palm Woods. He curls in on himself, his arms wrapping tightly around his stomach. "I feel sick."

"We're almost home," James mutters as he places an arm around Kendall's shoulders.

"I'm sure you'll feel better once you get some sleep," Logan says quietly. He turns to James, taking notice of the tired expression on his friend's face. "I think we all will."

"I can't sleep," Kendall mutters stubbornly. "Not until I know that Carlos is okay."

"Honey, you need to try." Mrs. Knight sighs from where she's sitting in the driver's seat, her worry for her son increasing. "You fainted. I'm worried about you. Carlos might not wake up for a few more hours, or days, or weeks, or..."

"Never?"

This time, it's Katie who has spoken. She looks up at her mother with sorrowful brown eyes, noticing the way her hands have tightened around the steering wheel.

"Katie... that's not what I was going to say."

Katie shrugs, her head turning towards the window as a lone tear starts to roll down her cheek. "Don't have to," she mumbles. "We all know it's a possibility."

James frowns at Katie's words, while Kendall stays silent, and Logan's body goes rigid. Of course they all know it's a possibility, but it's not something they like to hear being said out loud. Saying it out loud makes it even more real, because then they can't tell themselves that they're just overthinking things.

* * *

It's almost two hours later when James walks into his room. He has been avoiding going inside ever since they got to Apartment 2J because he doesn't want to be around Carlos' stuff. But after Mrs. Knight tells him to get some rest, he has no choice but to walk inside. Except he's not planning on resting like he has promised her he will.

His head won't stop spinning, and his mind won't stop racing.

He's pacing in a circle in front of his bed, his fists clenching and unclenching by his sides. He wants to scream, wants to cry, wants to succumb to the negative thoughts pulling at his heart strings.

He feels guilty for many reasons – for not helping Carlos when he needed him, for getting angry at Kendall, for being so selfish. He hates himself – he hates who he has become, and he doesn't know what to do with himself. He doesn't know what to do to make things okay again.

The truth is that James has always been perceived as selfish by everyone around him. He has always appeared to be self-centered and egocentric, but he's none of those things. No matter how hard he tries to act like he is, he's not, and he has always known this. He's known this, because despite the confident exterior he displays on a daily basis, he knows that's not who he really is. He knows his insecurities, his flaws – the ones that at one point were the sole reason he wanted so badly to end his life.

But he thought he was over that. Even though they always sat at the back of his mind and would sometimes resurface, he thought he was over them. They didn't hurt him as badly as they used to; they didn't tear him up like they did before.

But now? Now he's not so sure about that.

He comes to a stop in front of the full-length mirror that is in the middle of his and Carlos' room. He stares and stares, until the sight in front of him makes him want to punch the mirror and watch shards of glass fly everywhere. And then he wants to grab one of those shards of glass and use it to slice his skin open. Maybe then he'd feel better. Maybe inflicting pain upon himself would bring him at least a little bit of relief.

The thought is tempting, and no matter how much he tries to push it away, it won't leave him alone. He hates himself for even considering it. He hates himself because he feels like a hypocrite, after what's happened with Carlos. Maybe Carlos didn't try to commit suicide by cutting until he bled out, but he _did_ self-harm.

He feels like throwing up. He can't picture Carlos doing something like that to himself. He's the last one of his friends who he would've imagined to do something like that. Before he had been hospitalized, Carlos had always seemed so happy, so full of joy, so full of life. How could he have been so blind?

To think that Carlos was hurting so much, and that he didn't notice, makes him want to hurt himself even more. It's like a tug of war is going on in his head. A part of him wants to hurt himself because he feels like he deserves it for being so blind to Carlos' pain. And the other part of him knows that he shouldn't because Carlos wouldn't want that, and because if Logan and Kendall found out, they'd be terrified.

Perhaps if he was in a right state of mind, he'd realize just how bad of an idea that would be.

It's too bad he's not.

He makes his way to the drawers beside his bed and searches frantically through his clothes, his hands shaking and breath catching in his throat. He doesn't stop until his hand's wrapped around something small – a bag he had buried under all his clothes. Opening it, he finds what he was looking for. He grabs the small blade in between two fingers and watches the light from the ceiling reflect off its surface.

"James, can I talk to you for a bit?"

His hand freezes, his head turning towards the source of the voice. Logan is standing in his bedroom doorway. He seems nervous, judging by the way his hands are wriggling together in front of him.

"Uh, sure." As he stands up, he pushes the blade into his jeans' pocket and tosses the bag back into the drawer. He watches Logan from the corner of his eye as he walks inside the room. "Is everything okay?"

He feels stupid asking the question. Nothing is okay right now, obviously.

Logan shrugs and crosses his arms over his chest as he takes a seat on James' bed. His eyes roam around the room, stopping when they land on the bed that belongs to Carlos. "I don't really need to talk, I just... I don't think I want to be alone with my thoughts right now."

"Okay. How's Kendall?"

"He fell asleep."

James nods and takes a seat on his bed as well, his back resting against the bed's headboard. "C'mere." He opens his arms, coaxing Logan to come closer.

Logan crawls to where James is sitting and takes a seat beside him, letting his head rest against James' shoulder. He relaxes as he feels James wrap an arm around his shoulders. He's usually not a big fan of physical contact, but he needs this. He needs to know he's not alone, he needs someone close by.

"Are you afraid?" he asks, his voice wavering. "Because I am. I'm terrified."

"Of course I am... I never imagined that this would happen, you know? I didn't see it coming."

"Neither did I." Logan sighs and pulls his knees up to his chest. "I'm so tired. I literally feel sick."

"You should rest," James says, his hand moving from where it had been on Logan's shoulder, to his hair. "You're always preaching to us about how bad it is to not look out for our health. You need to take care of yourself, too. You saw what happened to Kendall."

"I'm worried about him, too."

"I know."

"And you. I'm worried about you." Logan raises his head and rests his chin on James' shoulder, looking up at him with worry.

"I'm okay, Logie. There's no need to worry about me. I'll be okay."

"I wish I could believe that." Logan frowns and turns away. He opens his mouth to say something else, but ends up yawning instead. "Just... know I'm here for you, okay?"

"I know. You too."

"Thanks."

James nods and tightens his hold on Logan. He can tell that he's struggling to stay awake, which isn't much of a surprise, since none of them got much sleep the night before.

It's not long after that that Logan goes completely limp in his hold. He thinks about carefully moving away and leaving the room, but he's tired, too. His eyelids are growing heavy, and unconsciousness seems to be doing everything in its power to pull him under. He's afraid of going to sleep, though. He's afraid he'll have nightmares about what's happened.

He tries his hardest to stay awake, but it's only a few minutes later that he realizes he can't keep up the fight much longer. His last thought is of the small blade tucked into his pocket, and what he plans to do with it once he's finally alone.


	21. Chapter 20

He's not sure how long it's been since he fell asleep, but when he wakes up, he's shaking and he feels like he can't breathe. His eyes snap open, only to find that the room is engulfed in complete darkness, and he can no longer feel Logan's presence beside him.

"Logan?" he calls out his friend's name in confusion as he reaches blindly for the lamp beside his bed and turns it on. He stares at the space beside him, but just like he thought, Logan's no longer there.

It's in a groggy yet panicked state that he manages to stand on both feet and make his way towards the entrance of his room. He hesitates before stepping foot outside. The apartment is completely silent, so he can only assume that everyone's gone to bed. However, there's a voice in the back of his mind that fills him with fear. He has to know that Logan's okay.

He quietly takes the few steps towards Kendall and Logan's bedroom, expecting to find both of them asleep, but Logan's busy hunched over his desk. He can't see Kendall, due to the fact that the door is open just a crack, but he figures he must be okay if Logan's there with him.

He then walks in a cautious manner towards the bathroom in the apartment and steps foot inside, closing the door quietly behind him. It's not until he's inside that he reaches for the light switch and turns it on. The first thing he sees is his reflection in the mirror, and for some reason, it makes him sick to his stomach. There's a tightness in his chest that won't go away. It's like everything around him is closing in on him, or like there's not enough oxygen in the tiny room. He can only assume he's having an anxiety attack, judging by the way he's feeling, and while that's nothing new to him, he hasn't had one in a really long time.

He's terrified.

He fidgets with his sweater's sleeve and closes his hand around his wrist, his fingernails digging into his skin. It hurts, but he wants it to hurt. He wants to feel something, other than the turmoil of emotions and pain that seems to be floating around in his head.

It's then that he reaches for the blade he had tucked away in his jeans' pocket earlier that day. While he had stopped self-harming before they had moved to Los Angeles, there had been a particularly awful night, in which he had almost relapsed. It wasn't that hard to find a blade, and while he hadn't used it at the time, he did plan to use it now. He had to. He didn't know what else to do. Maybe he'd regret it later, maybe he wouldn't – at the moment, he can't be bothered to care.

It all happens in a blur. One moment he's gripping the blade and staring at it with hesitation. The next, he's staring at his wrist, which now has angry bloody marks all over it.

He stares at the fresh cuts, his eyes filling with tears that cause his vision to blur. The only question running through his head as he slides his back against the wall and collapses to the floor is, _What have I done?_

* * *

_Worthless._

His hand trembles as he writes the word down on a piece of paper, and then lets go of the pen he had been holding on to with an iron grip. There are tears pooling in his eyes, threatening to fall at any second, but he does his best to hold them back. Putting up a façade is proving to be a struggle, though. He's not really sure how much longer he can keep it up.

Without giving it a second thought, he grabs the piece of paper he had been writing on and tears it from his notebook. He then crumples it into a ball with both hands and tosses it in the direction of the small trash can beside his desk. He can't help the frown that comes to his face when he misses his target and it lands on the floor.

"Stupid," he grumbles, wiping at the tears of anger and sadness that are now rolling down his cheeks.

"You aren't stupid."

He jumps in surprise, having completely forgotten that he was not the only one in the room.

"Sure feel like it," he mumbles, his gaze cast downwards, not facing the other side of the room, where Kendall is now sitting up in bed. "Are you feeling any better?" he asks him, daring to take a quick glance at the other boy.

"I guess," Kendall says, shrugging his shoulders simultaneously. He stands on both feet, albeit a bit dizzily, and moves to take a seat on Logan's bed. "Why do you feel stupid?" he asks in a soft tone as he props his elbow on top of one leg and rests his chin on the palm of his hand. His eyes, which are filled with worry, are locked on Logan's unmoving figure.

When he receives no answer, he scoots closer to the edge of the bed and places a hand on Logan's shoulder. He frowns when Logan flinches at his touch and shrugs his hand away. "Logie, talk to me, please."

"Because I am, alright?" Logan snaps, finally looking up at Kendall. "I'm a fucking idiot! I can't do anything right!"

This time, it's Kendall who flinches involuntarily, surprised by Logan's outburst and choice of words. Logan never curses, not unless he's extremely upset, which he obviously is, judging by his actions.

Logan seems to realize what he has just said, because his eyes grow wide and he clamps a hand over his mouth. He turns away from Kendall then and stares at a small stain that contrasts against the beige color of his desk. "Sorry," he whispers. "I don't know where that came from."

"It's okay." Kendall smiles, although it's forced. "But, that had to have come from somewhere," he says slowly, trying not to push him. He watches Logan carefully, taking notice of the way his eyes seem to be traveling around the room. He looks nervous and scared, and it worries him. Although the two emotions are something he's used to seeing on Logan, he never acts that way because of him. "You can tell me if you're upset. I'm not gonna hold it against you. If anything, it would worry me if you weren't."

"I..." Logan opens and closes his mouth repeatedly like a fish out of water, his hands shaking where they're resting on the surface of his desk. "I don't... I don't wanna talk about it."

"Alright."

"Alright?" Logan asks, raising an eyebrow at his friend. He didn't expect Kendall to give up that easily.

"Mhm," Kendall hums as he reaches for the notebook in front of Logan. His eyes travel over the page it's open to. The page is blank, but there are angry marks carved into it from how firmly and aggressively he had been writing on the page he had torn off. "Then write down your feelings," he tells him, handing it back to him. "You don't have to talk about how you're feeling out loud. I know how hard that is for you, but you can always write it down. Just don't keep it to yourself, okay?"

"There's not much to say," Logan mumbles. "Writing down my feelings won't make a difference. It won't fix things, it won't make Carlos wake up. It might make me feel a bit better, but it won't... take the pain away."

"I know." Kendall's voice is barely above a whisper, his face void of emotion. "But you're bottling things up, Logan," he says, sighing in frustration, "and you... you can't do that."

"That's kind of a hypocritical thing to say, don't you think?" Logan says as he turns to Kendall with a frown. "You're like an expert at hiding your feelings."

Kendall rolls his eyes and nudges Logan on the shoulder. "Shut up," he mutters. "I've been trying not to. And you need to do the same."

Logan lets out a shaky sigh and rises from his chair, only to plop down beside Kendall a second later. "I wanna talk about it," he says softly as he turns to Kendall, his eyes reflecting fear and uncertainly. "I just... don't know how to, I guess."

Kendall nods, not knowing how to respond. He understands what Logan's trying to say. He has never been any good at talking about his feelings either, but he hates that Logan's keeping everything to himself, because he knows it'll only hurt him in the end. He'll bottle everything up, until he explodes. It's happened to him more times than he can count, and he doesn't want Logan to have to go through that as well.

"Can I hug you?" he asks quietly, smiling a little when Logan nods his head in response. He wastes no time in winding his arms around the smaller boy and pulling him closer.

Logan hugs him back and shields his face against Kendall's shoulder, inhaling deeply as the tears start to fall again.

"Just let it out," Kendall whispers, his hand rubbing circles against Logan's quivering back. "You don't have to talk."

He feels Logan nod against his shoulder, but he says nothing in response. He doesn't let go until Logan cries himself dry. Until his body grows limp in his hold, exhausted from crying.

"I'm sorry..." Logan says quietly as he pulls away, not meeting Kendall's worried gaze. "I didn't mean to—"

"It's okay," Kendall interrupts him, smiling weakly. "There's nothing you need to apologize for. You feel the way you feel, and you shouldn't be sorry for that. Not now, and not ever."

* * *

James spends the next half an hour or so tossing and turning in his bed, unable to fall asleep. He feels horrible, even more so than he did before, and he hates himself for what he has done. But more than anything, he hates himself because despite feeling guilty, he has the urge to do it again. He wants to hurt himself again, and he's not even sure what has caused him to feel this way once more, but he absolutely hates it. He doesn't even know how he's going to be able to look Carlos in the eye, when he wakes up, after what he has done. That is, if he ever does wake up.

"James?"

Surprised, James turns his head towards his bedroom doorway and watches as Katie slowly walks inside with her arms wrapped tightly around herself. She stops at the foot of his bed and turns her gaze towards the ground, shifting uncomfortably where she stands.

"Hey," he says softly as he sits up in bed and motions for her to take a seat. "Something wrong?"

"I can't sleep," she mumbles, looking up at James with teary brown eyes. "I was gonna go talk to Kendall, but I heard him talking with Logan, so I didn't want to interrupt. Plus... I had something to ask you..."

"Sure, what is it?"

"Do you think... Carlos would mind if I slept in his bed tonight?"

At the mention of Carlos' name, James feels his heart sink, but he hides it behind a smile as he shakes his head. "No, of course not. You can sleep there if you want to."

"Okay... Oh, and James?"

"Yeah?"

Before getting up, she turns towards him with a small smile and wraps her arms around him. "Thank you."

"Anytime, Katie," James whispers, letting her go. He watches her walk away from his bed and climb into Carlos', before laying back down on his own. "Goodnight," he manages to choke out, feeling an overwhelming feeling of sadness consume him all of a sudden.

"'Night."

Hot tears stream down his face as he rolls over onto his other side, facing away from her, not wanting her to see him break down. She might be wise beyond her years and at times act older than she actually is, but she's still only eleven. He doesn't want to scare her. She's already scared as it is – surely seeing him break will only make her feel even worse, and she doesn't need that.

Nobody needs another reason to worry, which is why he can't tell anyone about what he has done, especially not Kendall and Logan. Surely they'll hate him if they find out, and he doesn't think he can handle that.

It's a good thing he's done this in the past. If they didn't find out about it before, they won't now, especially when there are more important things to worry about.


	22. Chapter 21

He doesn't want to wake up, not now, not ever. He's exhausted, both physically and mentally, having spent the better part of the night tossing and turning restlessly. His head hurts from overthinking, and his heart hurts from crying. Everything hurts, and he's not really sure how to stop it.

"James, you need to get up."

The voice sounds muffled to him, perhaps due to the fact he's more asleep than awake. He can feel someone shaking his shoulder gently, then with a bit more force. He groans, pulling his blanket over his head, but that does little to make the person go away.

"James, please."

James freezes, his mind finally registering whose voice it is that is trying to awaken him from his very short sleep. He sighs and pulls the blanket away from his face. The sight that greets him when his eyes crack open causes his heart to plummet to his stomach.

"You're awake." Kendall cracks a smile, though it's obviously forced. He can hear the tiredness in his voice, see the sadness in his eyes, the façade he is trying so hard to put up. It's an act, and James knows it. The sight of him does nothing to ease the overwhelming feeling of sadness and hopelessness that James feels. If anything, it intensifies it. He's not used to seeing Kendall in such a vulnerable state, despite having known him for more than two-thirds of his life. However, he _is_ used to seeing him put up a mask to hide his true emotions. It's what Kendall does – he acts like everything is okay, when he's really falling apart in the inside, until he explodes, and it's never a pretty sight when he does.

"Unfortunately," James mumbles and rolls over onto his right side so he can take a good look at him. "You look awful, dude."

"Could say the same about you," Kendall says, forcing a chuckle to escape his lips, which turns into a choked sob. He looks away from James, wiping away the tear that has managed to roll down his cheek. "I, uhh... mom told me to wake you," he mutters. "Said something about visiting hours starting at nine."

"Okay," James says quietly as he sits up in bed, wrapping his arms tightly around his body.

"I'd ask if you're okay, but... I think I already know the answer to that."

"Just worried, that's all," he lies. He hates lying to Kendall, to his best friend, the one he has known the longest. He hates not being able to be completely honest with him. He trusts Kendall with his life, so why can't he bring himself to tell him about what he has done and about how he's really feeling? He's not really sure, but he hates it.

"Is that really all there is?" Kendall asks, expecting James to spill his feelings to him, but all he gets is a nod of his head.

"Yeah, it is," James says.

"Okay." Kendall looks unsure, as if he knows that James isn't being completely honest with him. He doesn't push him any further though, something that James is grateful for. "I'm here for you, though," he says softly. "I'm here for you, always."

"Thank you," James hears himself say. "I'm here for you, too."

"Thanks."

Kendall gets up to leave then, but that's the moment in which Logan walks into the room. "Mama Knight said to tell you guys that breakfast's ready," he says quietly, "you know, in case you're hungry."

"No thanks. I couldn't eat if I tried," James says, standing up.

"Yeah, me either," Logan mumbles as he takes a seat on Carlos' bed. A moment later, he turns to look up at James and then at Kendall, with tears now starting to roll down his face. "I miss him," he chokes out as he attempts to wipe his tear-stained cheeks.

Kendall's the first to move from where he's standing at the foot of Carlos' bed. He sits down beside Logan, pulling him into his arms. James soon follows as he takes a seat by Logan's other side and wraps his arms around them both.

"We miss him, too," Kendall says as he rests his chin on top of Logan's head, staring back at James with sad green eyes.

"It's gonna be okay," James reassures them, though he's sure it does little to ease their worries. They probably don't even believe him, and he doesn't blame them. He doesn't even believe his own words.

"We should start getting ready," Kendall says after about a minute and starts to pull away.

"Right." Logan stands on shaking legs, using Kendall's shoulder as a crutch for a moment, before making his way out of the room.

James waits for them to leave, and then closes the door behind them. Despite wanting nothing more than to crawl back under his covers and stay there for the remainder of the day, he starts rummaging for clean clothes in his drawers. He settles for a pair of dark blue jeans and a long-sleeved grey shirt, and then steps into the bathroom and begins to undress.

Once he has let the water run for a bit, he steps into the scorching water. He stands there for a minute, just letting the water run down his body, without moving an inch. But then his eyes land on the cuts in his arms, and he feels the familiar sensation of tears gathering in his eyes. He feels so guilty and horrible, and he doesn't know what to do. He wishes he could turn back time and stop all of this from happening, but he can't – it's impossible.

Hot tears roll down his cheeks, mixing in with the droplets of water that are dripping from his hair down to his face. He feels like he's going to be sick, even though he has hardly had anything to eat in over a day.

It scares him how easily he gave in to the dark thoughts clouding his mind. It scares him how he wasn't able to stop himself from doing something like this. He hates it. He hates this feeling; hates feeling hopeless and like he has lost control. It's terrifying to him, and he can't help but wonder if this is how Carlos felt, and if he had, for how long he had been feeling this way. How long had he been hiding everything from them?

It's minutes later that he steps out of the shower, freezing from head to toe. He gets dressed in a hurry, but doesn't take a step out of his room until about ten minutes later, since he doesn't want to face anyone just yet.

Eventually though, he steps out into the living room, his gaze cast downwards, hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans. He doesn't know what lays ahead, all he knows is that he's not ready for it.

* * *

Less than an hour later, he's standing in front of Carlos' hospital room, Kendall to his left and Logan to his right. In his left hand, Carlos' black helmet is clutched tightly.

"Would you guys mind if I go in first?" he asks as he takes a step forward and reaches for the doorknob.

"Go ahead," Kendall says. "Will you be okay, though?"

"I think so."

"Alright," he says, his gaze moving briefly to Logan, and then back to James. "We'll be out here if you need us."

James nods, mouthing a "thank you" to him, and then pushes the door open and walks inside. He feels his breath catch in his throat the second his eyes land on Carlos. He takes a seat on one of the beige colored chairs beside his bed and takes ahold of Carlos' hand, trying to ignore the fact that it feels cold to the touch.

"Hey," he whispers as tears start to blur his vision. He reaches with a shaking hand and runs his index finger along a cut that is visible on Carlos' right cheek. The sight alone makes him feel sick. To know that Carlos walked into incoming traffic willingly makes him feel sick. Everything about this whole situation makes him feel sick.

"I got you something," he says as he grabs the helmet that he had placed at the foot of the bed, and holds it in between his hands. "It's your helmet... We were gonna bring it in yesterday, but we kinda forgot. I know it won't really help, but... we thought it'd be a good idea."

He sighs as he places the helmet by Carlos' side, knowing it's not of any use at the moment.

"I miss you so much, Los." He feels his throat close up as his chest tightens, making it hard for him to breathe properly. "We need you to get better. I... I can't lose you. I won't be mad at you. No one's mad at you. We just... j-just want you to wake up, p-please."

He gulps in air as he starts to feel like everything around him is closing in on him.

"I-I did something," he stammers out, "something I probably shouldn't have. I can't tell Kendall or Logan. They'd be so disappointed in me, they might even... might even hate me if they find out..."

Closing his eyes, he takes Carlos' right hand in both of his and lets out a shaky breath. "I c-cut myself last night, for the first time in years. It wasn't by accident. I just... I don't know. Everything was so overwhelming, I just couldn't take it anymore. And I feel so horrible about it. I told myself years ago that I'd stop, that I would never do it again, and yet... I couldn't help it. It's like... everything from before came flooding back, and I just... I don't know. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. Maybe because it's easier, maybe because I know you won't hear any of this. I just needed to tell someone, I guess—"

"James..."

Startled, he looks up, but Carlos is still as a rock. He turns around to where the entrance of the room is, his heart rate quickening as his eyes land on Kendall and Logan, who are now standing in the doorway.

"I..." He doesn't know what to say, his mind has gone completely blank. He feels like a deer caught in a car's headlights. He blinks back more tears, wishing the earth would just swallow him whole once and for all. "H-how much did you hear?"

"Everything," Logan practically whispers, looking at James with saddened eyes.

"Oh... I-I didn't mean—"

"Come here," Kendall says, motioning for James to move to where they are.

James does as he is told with hesitance. He's expecting the worst – expecting Kendall to yell and for Logan to want nothing to do with him. What he's not expecting is to be pulled into a three-way hug and to have words of reassurance whispered to him.

"We could never hate you, James," Kendall says as he pulls away so that he can look James in the eye. "I don't know what happened or what was going through your mind at the time, but we could never hate you. Especially not over something like that."

"How could you n-not hate me?" James chokes out, now unable to stop the river of tears that is cascading down his face. "_I_ hate m-myself. I hate what I've done."

"James, you were hurting," Logan tells him. "You _are_ hurting. It was your way to cope. And yes, it's not a healthy way to cope, but... it's not your fault. The mind can be deceiving. But know this," he says as he lifts James' chin with his finger, "we love you, and that will never change. And if you need us, we'll be here."

"Thank you," James whispers, sniffling as he steps away, wiping his tears away with the sleeve of his shirt.

"Can I see how bad it is?" Logan asks cautiously, not wanting to force James to do anything he doesn't want to do.

James pulls his arm to his chest, fear written all over his face.

"I won't be mad."

"Y-you promise?"

"I promise."

"I promise, too," Kendall says as he wraps an arm around James' waist, pulling him close.

Hesitantly, James pulls his arm out to them and shields his face in the crook of Kendall's neck, not wanting to see their faces when they see the cuts. He's afraid of what they'll say or think of him because of it.

Logan grabs his arm and slowly pulls his sleeve up, tears coming to his eyes as he does so. "Oh, James..."

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be, it's okay," Logan whispers as he lets go of his arm and moves forward to hug him once more. "You're not alone, though. You're never alone. If you feel like doing this again, come to us, okay?"

James nods, his eyes then moving to where Carlos is laying. "C-can we get out of here, just for an hour or so? I can't be here right now..."

"Yeah, come on." Kendall leads him out of the room and into the hallway, with Logan following close behind. "We should probably get something to eat. None of us really had breakfast."

"I think there's a coffee shop down the street," Logan says as they're nearing the waiting room. "It's close enough for us to walk... unless you guys want to get something from the cafeteria or vending machines."

Kendall shrugs, while James remains quiet.

"James?"

"I don't really care," James mumbles.

"I'll tell my mom," Kendall says, after exchanging a worried look with Logan.

Logan nods in acknowledgment and starts walking with James in the direction of the hospital's entrance.

"Can I ask you something?" he asks when they're alone, as he comes to a stop in the middle of the hallway and looks up at James.

"I guess."

"You told me just yesterday that you were glad you had stopped... What changed?"

James stops walking and looks down at his feet, unable to meet Logan's eyes. "I guess I don't really know. I mean, I _was_glad, it's just that... after we got home, I couldn't stop thinking. Everything became too much. My mind is just a mess right now."

"Why didn't you tell either of us?"

"I wanted to, but... with everything going on, I felt like you didn't need to add that as well. We all have more than enough to worry about right now, without me adding anything else."

"James, we're best friends," Logan says softly. "Things are hard right now, that's true, but that doesn't change the fact we'll be there for each other no matter what."

"I know, it's just..."

"Just what?"

James sighs, finally looking up. "I'm too much trouble, Logie. It's not worth it."

"But it is," Logan replies. "It is worth it, because _you_ are worth it."

James nods but says nothing in response.

"Mom knows," Kendall says as he reaches where they are. "Did something happen?" he asks, seeing the worried look Logan is sending in James' direction.

"Nothing," James mumbles, before starting to walk again. Logan follows close behind, but not before turning to Kendall with a sad expression on his face..

Kendall sighs and forces his feet to move in their direction. _We need you, Carlos. We're not the same without you_, he thinks sadly. _Nothing's the same without you._


	23. Chapter 22

They walk through the café's doors, all three of them lost in their own thoughts. Logan's leading the way, with James walking behind him, and Kendall walking behind James. No words are spoken between them as they take a seat in a booth, with Kendall sitting on one side and Logan and James sitting on the other.

"May I take your order?"

Kendall lifts his tired eyes to look over at the waitress that has just stopped in front of their booth. He attempts to smile as he orders a coffee for himself, a cappuccino for Logan, and a hot chocolate for James, but it is proving to be a difficult task. Luckily for him, she is gone in less than a minute, though to him, it feels like way longer than that.

From the corner of his eye, he watches as James scoots closer to the corner of the booth and away from Logan. He wants to say something, but he's lost for words. He knows that there's nothing he can do to take James' pain away and knowing that is killing him on the inside.

Feeling a hand on his arm, he turns his attention to Logan, who doesn't say anything, just looks at him with saddened eyes. He opens his mouth but closes it a second later, and instead places a hand on top of Logan's, giving it a tight squeeze. He can feel his heart sinking in his chest with each passing second and there's nothing he can do to stop it.

A thick atmosphere spreads around them as they wait for their orders, none of them saying a single word to the other. It feels like hours later when the same waitress from before returns with three cups and places them in front of them. Logan thanks her as he grabs his and pulls it towards him with no intention of drinking the hot beverage.

"James, we need to talk..."

Kendall mentioning his name catches James by surprise. He hadn't moved an inch in minutes and had instead been staring out the window, watching the cars pass by.

"T-talk about what?" he asks, even though he already knows what it is that Kendall wants to talk about. He sinks lower into his seat, wishing there was a way for him to vanish into thin air. He doesn't want to have this conversation, not with Kendall, not with Logan, not with _anyone_.

"Talk about you... self-harming," Kendall says in a careful manner as his hands tighten around his cup of coffee.

"Oh." James exhales sharply, feeling like he might faint right there on the spot. Everything's collapsing around him and he feels like all the air has been sucked right out of his lungs. "There's nothing to talk about... It just... happened."

"It _just_ happened?" Kendall raises an eyebrow at him, which goes unnoticed by James, who refuses to look in his direction. He can't. The sensation of tears threatening to spill from his eyes is there, and he knows that one look at Kendall is all it will take to let them loose, whether he wants to or not.

"Yeah..."

"James..."

"Kendall," Logan intervenes from James' right, speaking for the first time since they got there. "He'll talk when he's ready. We can't just force it out of him."

"But he—"

"I know." Logan sighs, sounding exasperated. "Just give him some time, okay?"

"I—" Kendall falters, his shoulders slumping noticeably. His hands loosen around his cup as he pushes himself out of the booth and onto both feet. "I can't."

* * *

Logan frowns as he watches Kendall for a few seconds, longing to go after him. However, as he turns to look at James, that idea immediately flies out the window. There are tears now rolling down James' cheeks and soft cries are slipping past his lips. Logan moves to hug him, but he stops when the other boy flinches the moment he scoots closer to him.

"James," Logan says, his heart aching at the sight of his best friend. He hates seeing him like this.

He sighs as he stands and moves to take a seat in front of James. "It will get better, Jay," he whispers, hoping the words will make a difference, but they don't. If anything, they seem to make James even more upset.

"Better?" James finally speaks, shaking his head. "I keep fucking things up, Logan. I keep messing up. First I fail to see the fact that Carlos is hurting, and now... now all I keep doing is hurting Kendall."

"That's not true—"

"It is, and you know it. I'm not making things better for anyone."

"He's just worried, James. You know how he is."

"He shouldn't be," James sniffles, shielding his face with his hands, "and neither should you."

"James..." Logan frowns as he reaches towards James with one hand and pulls one of his hands away from his face. "Your feelings matter, James. _You_ matter. Why do you think that you don't?"

James bites on his bottom lip, hesitance clear in his eyes. "It's hard for me to believe that when my own parents made me feel like I didn't. I... I figured if they didn't, why should anyone else?"

"Jay..." Logan blinks back incoming tears and reaches forward, using the pad of his thumb to wipe away James' own tears. "You are worth so much more than how they made you feel. No matter what happens, you will always have Kendall and me. We will never stop caring about you. We don't see you the way they did, and we never will."

James' lips turn slightly upwards into a small smile, but the sadness in his eyes still remains. "I wish I could believe that," he says, his voice barely above a whisper. "It's not that easy, though. What they did really messed me up. I can't just forget it. I can't forget the way they made me feel, even if it was years ago."

"I know," Logan says softly, "and no one expects you to."

"Thanks," James whispers, rubbing at his eyes with the heels of his hands in an attempt to wipe away his tears.

Logan smiles back at him, before moving to stand up from the booth. "I'm gonna go check on Kendall. Do you wanna come, or..."

"I-I think I'll wait here."

"That's okay. I'll be right back."

James nods, before reaching for his hot chocolate, which is basically just chocolate milk at this point, because it is nowhere close to being hot. He frowns, sets it back on the table, and turns his attention back to the window, all the while wondering if things will ever truly be any better.

* * *

Kendall's pacing back and forth in the café's small restroom, both of his hands tangled in dirty blond locks of hair. He doesn't know what to do. He _needs_ to do something – needs to fix this somehow, but he _can't_, and the realization of that is like a punch to the stomach. It threatens to knock him off his feet and leaves him struggling to breathe. He can't turn back time; he can't stop all of this from happening, and he's so scared. He's terrified they'll lose Carlos – that he'll never wake up and that they'll be unable to put themselves back together. James is hurting so much, and maybe a small part of him is scared he'll end up like Carlos as well. The mere thought of that makes him sick to his stomach.

He will never forgive himself if something happens to either of them.

He has yet to crack under the pressure of everything, but he can feel himself falling apart little by little, and he can tell that the same thing is happening to Logan.

Truth is, he doesn't know how much longer he can keep this up. Over the years, he has become an expert at hiding any negative emotion he feels, but this has all become too much in such a short amount of time. He's no superhero, but if he was Superman, his kryptonite – the one thing that surrenders him helpless – would be seeing someone he loves in pain.

He lets out a shaky breath as he comes to a stop in front of one of the sinks in the restroom. He grips the edges of the sink with both hands, feeling like his knees will give out from underneath him any second now. Everything is so overwhelming, but he keeps reminding himself that he needs to remain strong, if not for himself, then for everyone else. He can't fall apart – at least not in front of them.

When he's alone, though? That's another story.

The tears come before he can stop them, and despite his attempts to not let them loose, they come rolling down his face like a waterfall. He hardly recognizes the reflection in front of him. He feels so... lost, so hopeless and so useless all at once.

He's nothing without James, Carlos and Logan – each of them make up a piece of a whole. They always say how he's the glue that keeps them together – he's the one they look to for guidance when faced with difficult situations. But the truth is, _they're_ the ones who keep _him_ together, but he needs all three of them. Without Carlos, a piece of that whole is missing and none of them can properly function without him.

The tears only last a couple of minutes, but by the time he's stopped, he feels like he's going to be sick. It's with shaky hands that he grabs some paper towels from the towel dispenser and dampens them, proceeding to wipe his face with them once he has done so.

Just as he's throwing the paper towels in the trash bin in the middle of the two sinks, he hears the door to the restroom open, followed by the sound of his name being called from a voice he knows all too well.

"Kendall?"

He swallows, thankful any trace of tears is no longer present on his face, and turns around slowly, his eyes falling upon Logan. "Hey..."

"You okay?"

Kendall nods, his lips not parting as he brushes past Logan and reaches to push the door open.

"Kendall..."

"I'm fine, Logan."

"But—"

"I said, _I'm fine_."

Logan takes a step back, as if being struck by lightning. Kendall seems to immediately realize what he has done, because his eyes soften, the anger in them being replaced by guilt in a second. "I'm sorry, Logan..."

"It's okay," Logan says, practically in a whisper, his eyes not meeting Kendall's as he walks out of the restroom and in the direction of their booth.

Kendall follows close behind, though his footsteps slow down as he nears their table, bile threatening to rise up his throat.

James is sitting where he had been when he had left, his head resting against the beige-colored wall. He sighs before taking a seat in front of him, looking up at Logan, and then down at the empty spot beside James, wordlessly telling him to take a seat. Logan does so without a word, his eyes instantly moving to stare at the unfocused brunet.

"I'm sorry, Logie, I really am." It's clear to see just how sorry Kendall is just by looking in his eyes, but even then, it doesn't make the ache in Logan's chest go away. He pretends that it does though, gives him the best smile he can muster, and says it's alright and that he understands, because in a way he does.

Kendall's eyes then turn to James, who remains frozen in his spot. "James...?"

No response.

"Jay..."

James blinks but remains unmoving, though his eyes shift to look over at Kendall.

Kendall can feel the air leave his lungs as he takes notice of the lack of emotion in James' eyes. The spark of passion that is always present is no longer there. They look unfocused, tired, _lifeless_. He'd be lying if he said it didn't worry him greatly.

"I'm sorry, Jay..."

"I didn't want you to know," James chokes out, his voice raspy, filled with emotion. "You w-weren't supposed to know..."

"Why...?"

James inhales and exhales sharply, his gaze moving away from Kendall to look off into space, at nothing in particular. "Because... I didn't want anyone's pity. I didn't want anyone to look at me the way you're doing right now. Like I'm something fragile, something that's gonna fall to pieces at any moment. I didn't want you to worry over something so pointless..."

"It's not pity, James," Kendall bites down hard on his bottom lip as he tries not to burst into tears in front of them both, "it's worry. And this isn't pointless. This is serious, Jay."

"It was one time."

"You said you'd done it before."

"That was years ago," James whispers. "It won't happen again."

"I don't know if I believe you..."

James' eyes turn into a glare in a matter of seconds as he grabs his hot chocolate with one hand and rises from his seat. "Logan, move."

"James—"

"_Now_."

Without a word, Logan rises from his seat and moves to the side, giving James enough space to slip out. They both watch as he throws his foam cup into a trash can and walks out of the café. The two share a knowing look before rushing after him.

"James, where are you going?" Kendall asks, but he receives no answer, even though he knows that James heard him, seeing as how he practically yelled the question and he's only about three feet behind him. "James!"

Without warning, James stops and whirls around, tears pooling in his eyes, causing his vision to blur. "You know what, Kendall? Just fuck off," he spits out before turning back around and continuing to walk away from them.

Taken aback by James' words, Kendall stands frozen in his spot, until Logan grabs ahold of his arm and pulls him in the direction that James is headed in.

"He didn't mean that," Logan whispers.

Kendall nods inaudibly, the lump in his throat making it hard for him to form a single word.

It's not until they reach the street corner and James starts to cross the street that Kendall finds his voice. His body moves before he can even fully register what is about to happen.

Panic drapes over Logan, rendering him frozen in his spot as James stands in the middle of the road, eyes locked on the speeding vehicle coming in his direction. He watches as Kendall runs towards James just as the vehicle is mere inches from him. His eyes close tightly, and he is barely able to distinguish the sounds of the squealing of tires and Kendall's shout of James' name as his heartbeat pounds loudly in his ears.


	24. Chapter 23

The fear is paralyzing, rendering him motionless despite the fact that there is a truck heading in his direction that is showing no signs of stopping before it inevitably crashes into him. His mind has gone completely blank, and even though every nerve in his body should be screaming at him to run, to get away before it's too late, his feet remain glued to the asphalt below him.

He closes his eyes, bracing himself for the impact, but it never comes. Instead, a sudden weight crashes into him from his left, causing him to land on the ground just a few feet from where he had been standing. He's shaking, his breathing coming out in deep gasps for air. He feels arms around him, a voice, _Kendall's voice_, saying something he's not fully able to register. He sounds frantic, though, scared.

James' eyes are now open, but he's unable to focus on what's happening in front of him. It's not until he feels two hands cupping his face in between them that he finally snaps out of it.

"James! James, can you hear me? Please, James, say something."

"W-what—"

He doesn't even get the chance to ask what has just happened before he's being pulled into a tight hug. "Don't ever do that again, James. You scared me."

"I'm sorry," he hears himself say, his voice thick due to the tears that have now welled up in his eyes.

He hears footsteps running towards them, and then Logan's kneeling in front of him. His eyes move from James to Kendall and back to James. "Are you guys okay?"

"I'm okay," Kendall says as he pulls away from James. "Are you okay?" he asks, turning his full attention to James.

James is about to nod when Kendall grabs his arm and brings it up to his face for a closer look. "Your elbow's bleeding," he says quietly when James tries to pull his arm back. "You must've scratched it up when we fell. We should get back to the hospital, get it checked out."

"No!" James shouts, panic draping over him like a blanket. Only this blanket does not provide warmth and security. Instead, it fills him with anxiety and dread. "I'm fine, really, it's just a scratch."

"But—"

"I'll clean it up," Logan offers before Kendall can get another word out. "Your mom keeps a first-aid kit in the car in case of emergencies."

"You didn't get hurt anywhere else?" Kendall asks James, who nods in response. "Okay, if you're sure..."

"I'm sure."

"Alright, let's go." Kendall stands and reaches an arm out for James to take.

James stands on shaking legs, using Logan's shoulder as a crutch once he is standing on both feet. He offers Logan a small smile, and then turns to Kendall, the smile on his face slowly vanishing.

"Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

He swallows the lump that has started to form in his throat, blinking back the tears he has yet to release. "About what I said earlier... I'm sorry."

"It's okay—"

"No, I shouldn't have stormed out the way I did. I know you were just trying to help. I know you do it because you care, it's just that..."

"Just that what?" Kendall asks when James trails off.

James sighs, alternating his weight from one foot to the other. He shakes his head and starts walking in the direction of the hospital. "Nothing."

Kendall falls in step with him, while Logan follows them closely from behind. "James, please tell me."

"It's not important."

"It's important if it's bothering you."

"I just feel like I'm being watched under a microscope, okay?"

"What?"

James turns around to face Kendall, his eyes full of uncertainty. "I just don't want you to spend every waking hour worrying over me, because I know you. I know that's what you do. You worry so much over everyone else that you forget about yourself."

"I do not—"

"You do," Logan intervenes.

"I'm sorry. It's just... what happened with Carlos. I can't, I won't— I can't lose you too, James."

"You're not gonna lose me."

"I'm not so sure about that."

James says nothing after that. He feels like a bucket of ice cold water has just been dunked over his head, leaving him unable to speak. He feels a hand land on his shoulder, but he doesn't turn to look back.

"Come on, James," he hears Logan say as his hand travels from James' shoulder to his back. He walks, though his moves feel robotic. He's there but he's not. He can hear what's going on around him, see what's going on around him, but it all feels like he's living it through somebody else's senses rather than his own.

He walks in a daze until he feels hands forcing him to sit down on a plastic chair. They're back at the hospital, back at the place that makes him feel like he's choking on air.

"James."

He snaps his head to the right, in the direction in which Logan's voice had come from.

"Are you okay?" Logan questions him as he takes a seat to James' right. They're in a waiting area, although it's not the same one they had been in before. This one's vacant, void of human life aside from the two of them.

"Where's Kendall?" James asks, dodging Logan's question. Kendall's nowhere to be found, even though he had been walking with them all the way to the hospital.

"He went to get the first-aid kit," Logan responds. "Which, by the way, can I take a look at it?" he asks as he points at James' arm.

James bites his lip, hesitance clear on his face as he slowly nods his head. "Y-yeah." He pulls at his sweater sleeve slowly and raises his arm so that Logan can take a closer look. "Is it bad?" he asks, his voice wavering.

"No, it looks like it was just a scrape, luckily. Nothing I can't fix," Logan says as he lets go of James' arm. "Are you... Are you okay otherwise, though?"

"What do you mean?" James asks, swallowing hard. He knows exactly what Logan means by the question, it's just not a question he wants to answer.

"I mean..." Logan sighs as he starts fidgeting with his hands. "You know what I mean, James."

James looks down at the floor, then at the wall that's in front of them, avoiding Logan's gaze. "I don't know how to answer that... I'm pretty sure Kendall's upset at me or something."

"Because of earlier?"

"Because of the way he reacted when I told him he wasn't gonna lose me."

"I think he probably just feels really helpless right now. Like he can't do anything, you know?"

"Yeah, I know."

"I think he wants to help you, he's just not sure what to do or say to make things better."

"And I wish he wouldn't do that," James says practically in a whisper as his eyes start to fill with tears. The ache in his heart is persistent, but it's times like these in which it almost feels like it's trying to squeeze the life right out of him. "I don't want it to be a repeat of last time."

"Last time?"

James turns to Logan wish a sorrowful look on his face. "When his dad died. He blamed himself so much for so long. Thought he could've done something to stop it, remember?"

"I remember," Logan says under his breath.

"He's always been like that." James shakes his head. "He wants to help everyone, he wants to save everyone. I think sometimes he forgets that he's only human. That he can only do so much."

"I know he does, but he cares a lot about you. He just doesn't want anything to happen to you."

"I know, but nothing's gonna happen."

"Can you blame him for worrying?"

"I... I guess not," James says, his voice dropping to a whisper. He instinctively pulls at his sweater sleeve until it has reached the palm of his hand and tightens his fingers against it. "I guess if I was in his shoes, I'd be worried t—"

James cuts himself off as he hears footsteps heading in their direction. Sure enough, only a second later, Kendall comes into sight, a white box held tightly under one arm.

"Got the first-aid kit," Kendall announces as he places it on Logan's lap. "Are we doing this here, or...?"

"Let's go to the restroom," Logan says as he rises from his seat.

James follows his lead with a bit of hesitance and together, the three of them make their way to the nearest restroom.

"You should return those to your mom," Logan tells Kendall as he's pulling at the restroom door. He nods with his head at the keys that are still dangling off the fingers on Kendall's right hand.

"You don't need my help?"

Logan shakes his head. "Nah, I got it from here."

"Okay. I'll be back."

"It's fine, we'll join you there," Logan says as he opens the door for James. James takes one last glance at Kendall before stepping foot into the restroom along with Logan.

"Do we have to?" James asks once the door has closed shut behind them. He's leaning against the restroom wall, his eyes locked on his feet.

"Do we have to what?" Logan asks in confusion.

James sucks in a breath and slowly looks up, pulling his bottom lip in between his teeth. "Go over there..."

Logan stares at him for a moment, then gently pushes James to where the bathroom sinks are. He starts working on patching up the cut on James' elbow, all the while glancing up at him every now and then.

"Do you not want us to go over there?" he asks as he's finishing up.

"I... I don't know," James says as he pulls his arm towards his chest.

"What's bothering you, Jay?" Logan's eyes reflect nothing but worry as he stares up at James. "Why don't you want us to go with everyone else?"

"It's just... overwhelming. I know, it's awful. I should want to be there, but I just." Nausea starts to form in his stomach, quickly making its way up his esophagus until he feels like he's choking, not being able to take in enough air with every breath he takes. It feels like his lungs have filled up with water. Everything seems to be spinning.

"Hey, James. James, what's wrong?"

"I can't— I can't go back there." He takes in a huge gulp of air, his hands tightening around the edge of the sink he's standing in front of.

"We don't have to, it's okay," Logan says softly, moving his left hand to rub small circles on James' back. "We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with."

"I feel awful," James chokes out. "I should want to be with everyone..."

"Being surrounded by so much sadness does get to be too much. It's okay to take a break. It's okay to do what's best for you."

"I just feel so selfish."

"You're not," Logan whispers. "You're not selfish for putting yourself first, I promise you that."

James sniffles, the tears he had been trying so hard to hide having made their way out of their hiding spot. He wastes no time in wrapping his arms around Logan and shielding his face against his shoulder.

"It's okay," Logan whispers. "It's all gonna be okay."

If only that were true.

If only he could believe that.

* * *

"Thanks for the keys, Mom," Kendall says as he hands the car keys back to his mother. He offers her a small smile and then takes a seat next to Katie, who is sitting with her head leaning against Mrs. Knight's shoulder. As soon as Kendall's sitting down, however, she alternates her position so that she's leaning against him. He doesn't miss the way his mom looks at them with saddened eyes.

"Hey, baby sister," he whispers as he brings one arm around Katie's shoulders. "Have you heard anything?" he asks, his attention now on his mom.

"No, baby," his mom says. She looks like she's been crying. Her eyes are puffy and red, dark bags showcasing underneath them. It's clear to see they weren't the only ones that didn't get much sleep the night before. "It may be a while. The doctors don't think he'll be waking up soon."

"Oh." Kendall bites down on his bottom lip, hard. There are tears in his eyes, blurring his vision, causing everything around him to appear a hazy mess. He blinks them back, though, tightens his hold around Katie, and lets out a strangled sigh. He doesn't want to cry, especially not in front of Katie. He'll cry once he's home. Once he's alone. Once no one can hear him.

"Are his parents with him?" he asks as he notes the absence of Mr. and Mrs. Garcia.

His mother nods solemnly and everything goes quiet after that, until a few minutes later, when his phone buzzes in his pocket. It's a text from Logan.

_Hey, we're just gonna hang here for a while. James isn't feeling too well._

He types quickly – so quickly that he has to delete half of his message and retype it because his hands are shaking so hard he can hardly type.

_Is he okay?_

He lets his hand drop to his lap, his phone still held tightly in his palm. It takes a couple of minutes, but soon, another text from Logan comes through.

_Yeah, he just doesn't feel like being around everyone right now, so I don't wanna force him. We'll go over there once he's ready._

He reads the text several times before typing out a quick "Okay." and slipping his phone back into his pocket. He feels antsy and nervous. Perhaps it's the protective side of him coming out, but he wants nothing more than to go see if James is okay. However, Katie's practically leaning most of her weight against him and she looks more scared than Kendall has ever seen her in his entire life. He doesn't remember ever seeing her this upset, but he's not surprised. James and Carlos have been a part of her life since she was born, while Logan's been in her life since she was two. She's grown up with all three of them by her side, and despite the fact that they are not blood-related, they've become her brothers – _their_ brothers. And as hard as Kendall might try, he cannot imagine a life without all three of them by their side.

"M-Mom." The word slips out of his mouth before he can even stop himself. The tears are falling, he can't make them stop. Beside him, he can feel Katie's body shaking. She's crying, too.

_Great, you made her cry_, he thinks, but even then, he can't stop the words that come out of his mouth a second later.

"I don't want him to die, Mom. I don't wanna—" He chokes, his head leaning forward as his body starts to shake as well. "I don't wanna lose h-him."

His eyes are closed tightly, but as arms wrap around them both, he can tell that they belong to his mother. She's kneeling in front of him and Katie, struggling to comfort the two of them as they cry against her shoulders.

"You can't think like that, sweetheart. Both of you," she says, turning to Katie. "I know it's hard, I know things seem hopeless and this all came out of nowhere, but the doctor says there's a good chance he will wake up. We just gotta give it time."

"That's the thing, though." Kendall wipes under his eyes, his hand dampening with tears. "This didn't just come out of nowhere. This had to have built up, this had to have come from somewhere. Carlos was hurting all along, and we were too blind to even notice..."

* * *

It's five hours later, and they're all now back at the apartment. Mrs. Knight is in the kitchen talking to Carlos' parents over a cup of coffee. Katie's playing a video game to distract herself. James is in his room, finally asleep, to Kendall's relief. And he and Logan are in their room, lost in their own thoughts, until Kendall breaks the silence between them.

"Can I talk to you?" he asks quietly as he maneuvers his body so that he's now facing Logan's bed.

"Uh, sure," Logan replies before rolling over and making his way to Kendall's bed. He takes a seat on the edge, beside Kendall, and turns to look at him. "What do you wanna talk about?"

"James," Kendall responds. "I've just... I've been thinking... what happened today, this morning... Do you think he could have done it on purpose?"

Logan stares at him for a moment, unsure of how to respond. He knows James is hurting and hasn't been coping in the healthiest way, but he hadn't thought that James had done what he had on purpose.

"You mean walk in front of a truck?" he asks to make sure he's understanding Kendall correctly. That idea alone sends shivers crawling up his spine.

"Yeah," Kendall swallows, his eyes locked on his comforter as he rubs his fingers against it in a circular motion, "that."

"I... I hadn't thought about that," Logan says softly. "But no, I don't think James would do that."

"We never imagined Carlos would either," Kendall points out. "I just... I keep thinking... What if he's next?"

"Kendall..." Logan frowns, pulls his knees towards his chest, and wraps his arms around them. He clamps his mouth shut, squeezes his eyes tightly, and tries to refrain himself from crying. "Don't say that."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm scared, too," Logan says as he scoots closer to the headboard, so that his and Kendall's shoulders are now touching. "I keep telling myself that this will all be over soon, but it just feels like... like it never will be."

He feels an arm wind around his shoulders, pulling him closer, enveloping him in warmth. He closes his eyes, tucks his head underneath Kendall's chin, and tries to remind himself to breathe, because right now that's all he can do. Breathe and hope that the world doesn't crumble at his feet.

"We need to talk to James," he says, "together. Once he's awake and feeling a bit better, we need to talk to him."

He feels Kendall nod against him as he reaches for Logan's hand and squeezes it in his own. "We will," he promises before pressing a kiss to the side of his head. "We will soon."


	25. Chapter 24

"James?"

Logan rushes to James' side, his heart racing as he drops to his knees beside him. James is sitting with his back against the bathroom wall, beads of sweat rolling down his forehead. His eyes are glassy and unfocused – have been for over a week now. He looks as if he's barely hanging on by a thread, and while the sight does nothing but make Logan worry even more, it's a sight that has become a constant for quite a few days now.

"Jay, what happened?" he asks, trying to swallow down the fear in his voice. "Do you want me to go get Kendall?"

James shakes his head furiously at the mention of their best friend, before diving forward and beginning to throw up into the toilet that is just a few feet away from them. A bit taken aback, Logan winces at the sight, but moves to James' side instantly and starts to rub his back.

"You're okay," Logan whispers as James collapses into his side only a minute later. "It's gonna be okay."

"No." James breathes in sharply, which only results in a sob slipping past his lips. "Stop lying to me. Nothing's gonna be okay again."

"James—"

James shakes his head and pulls away from Logan. "I'm tired of hearing it. It's been a week, Logan. _A week_."

"The doctor said it could take weeks," Logan points out, desperately trying to cling to the little amount of hope he has left that Carlos will wake up – that he will survive despite the odds. With each passing day his hope has been diminishing little by little, though, becoming close to nothing.

He sighs and stands up, looking down at James, who remains seated on the floor. "I'm sorry, Jay," he says softly, wiping at his eyes with one hand so that James does not see the tears that have welled up there. "Do you think you'll get sick again?"

James shakes his head and stands up, using Logan for support as he does so. "I'm sorry, too," he says a moment later, as the two start to make their way back to Logan and Kendall's bedroom, which the three have been sharing for the time being. "Everything sucks and I'm just so damn tired of everything."

"I know," Logan says softly, his heart feeling heavy at James' words. He misses Carlos, misses him more than he'd ever be able to adequately put into words. There's an ache in his chest that never goes away, a tightness in his throat that refuses to fade. The past ten days have been nothing but hospital visits and broken hearts and desperate attempts at comfort that do little to make things any better.

"Take my bed for now, okay? I'll take the air mattress."

"Logan, I told you—"

"Please."

James frowns but pulls back the comforter on Logan's bed and takes a seat on the very edge. "Just for tonight."

"Just for tonight," Logan repeats, before plopping down on the air mattress that was placed in between his and Kendall's beds a few days ago. He lays down on it and closes his eyes, hoping sleep will come his way soon but doubting that it will.

"I had a nightmare," James says quietly after a moment, his eyes shifting to where Logan is laying, and then to Kendall's bed to make sure that he's still asleep.

"Is that what made you sick?" Logan asks, his voice just as quiet as James'.

"I dunno. I guess… I guess I had a panic attack."

Logan sits up then, his eyes searching for James' in the very dimly-lit room. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

"He died," James says, his voice close to a whisper. The tears start to fall before he even has the chance to force them back. "And we… we grew apart, all three of us. I'm-I'm so scared that will become our reality, if he… you know."

"It won't," Logan says, unsure of how to respond properly. "It won't become our reality."

"I hope not." James pauses, his breath catching in his throat. "I can't lose you guys too."

"You won't." Logan reaches forward, clutching one of James' hands in his own, hoping the tiny gesture will bring even the slightest bit of comfort his way. "And listen, if you have another nightmare or panic attack or anything of the sort, you come to me, okay?" he says, looking James directly in the eye. "And if not me, then Kendall. We're always gonna be here for you."

"Thank you," James responds, his hold on Logan's hand loosening. "You should get some sleep."

"So should you," Logan points out as he moves to lay back down.

"Don't know if I can after… that."

"You need to try."

James sighs and rolls over so that he's laying on his back, his eyes now looking up at the ceiling. "Okay."

Sleep does not come easily to either of them, though. Logan tosses and turns for about two hours, unable to fall back to sleep, until exhaustion finally gets the best of him just as the sun's rays are beginning to shine through the curtains. And while James does fall back to sleep after about half an hour, he awakens a couple of hours later, after another particularly awful nightmare that leaves him gasping for air. He turns to Logan, taking notice of the fact that he's fast asleep, and decides not to wake him up. Instead, he turns to his other side and stares at the wall, no longer being able to sleep.

"Hey, James."

His body jerks in surprise as Kendall places a hand on his shoulder with the intention of shaking him awake.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay," he says as he rolls over to face him, squinting at the sunlight that is now flooding the room. "What time is it?"

"Almost nine," Kendall responds as he takes a seat on the edge of the bed. "Did you even sleep last night? You look really tired."

"Hardly," he confesses. "You?"

Kendall shrugs and looks down to where Logan is sleeping. "For a while, I guess," he says, before nudging Logan's arm with his foot. "Logan, it's almost nine," he tells him as he reaches down to shake him gently, "time to get up."

Logan sits up groggily, looking to Kendall and then to James. "I feel awful," he mutters as he gets up and heads for the bathroom.

Kendall frowns and turns to James, who sits up slowly, grabbing a pillow that's beside him and hugging it to his chest.

"Are you gonna go to the hospital today?" Kendall asks as he scoots closer to him, but all he gets in response from James is a shrug of his shoulders. "I was planning to go, that's why I ask."

"When are you going?" James asks as he fiddles with the pillow on his lap.

"Probably after breakfast," Kendall says, looking to James with a worried expression on his face. "You don't have to go," he adds quickly, "only if you want to."

"I'll go," James says as he pushes the pillow to the side and stands up. "Is everybody else up already?"

Kendall stands up as well, following James' footsteps towards the bedroom door. "Don't know. I haven't left the room and it doesn't sound like it."

James hums in response, pushes the door open, and freezes for a moment as his eyes land on the door of the bedroom that is across from Kendall and Logan's – his and Carlos'. He turns to Kendall then, his eyes stinging with unshed tears.

"I need to get something from my room, but I'll follow you in a bit."

"Are you sure?" Kendall asks, wrapping a hand around James' left arm. "I can wait for you, if you want."

"No, it's fine." James smiles, but his smile is obviously fake, and Kendall would be able to spot that a mile away, but he says nothing as he hesitantly nods and walks away.

James stares after him for a moment, before forcing his feet to move forward, even though it feels like they each weigh a ton. He breathes in sharply, his hand shaking as it makes contact with his bedroom doorknob. He hasn't been inside the room for over four days – hasn't been able to step foot inside it for that long because every time he does, he is met with the sight of Carlos' side of the room. The side of the room that has always been too messy for James' liking, but has always been so _Carlos_.

He turns the doorknob slowly and walks inside before he can change his mind, his eyes immediately falling on Carlos' bed, on the other side of the room. He swallows thickly, closes the door behind him, and sits down on the edge of his own bed. And that is when he grabs his pillow, presses it to his face, and begins to cry.

* * *

When Kendall walks into the living room, the first thing he notices is that Katie is sitting on the couch, curled in on herself as she hugs a blanket to her chest. In front of her, the TV is playing an episode of Adventure Time, but the TV's volume is turned all the way down.

"Katie?" Kendall frowns as he carefully takes a seat beside her, as if not to startle her, and places a hand on her knee. "Hey," he says, a faint smile coming to his face when she turns to look at him. The sight of her breaks his heart even more, though, if that's even possible. The eyes that stare back at him are dull and void of happiness or enthusiasm. She looks like a ghost of the person she was just a little over a week ago.

"Hey," she says quietly, her voice only above a whisper.

"Where's mom?" he asks, having realized she is nowhere in sight, which seems so unlike her, even during a time like this. She's always the first one up, and since the accident has been the one keeping herself busy by making sure there's breakfast ready by the time everyone else wakes up.

"Went to drop off Carlos' parents at the hospital," Katie replies, turning her attention back to the TV.

Kendall nods as he moves his arm to wrap around Katie's shoulders. "Why's the TV's volume down?" he asks, even though he knows the reason for that is probably that Katie's not actually watching it. The answer that Katie gives him, though, is one that shatters his heart completely.

"Doesn't feel right to actually watch it when Carlos isn't here," she responds as she grabs the remote beside her and turns off the TV.

"I'm sure he wouldn't mind," Kendall tells her in an attempt to make her feel better.

"He wouldn't," Katie agrees and stands up from the couch, draping the blanket around her shoulders, "but I do."

Kendall stays silent as he watches her head towards the kitchen, where she pours herself a bowl of cereal and sits at the island by herself.

It doesn't take long for Logan to walk into the living room, now fully dressed but with his hair sticking up in all different directions. If it was any ordinary day, Kendall would've poked fun at him for it, but he can't find it in himself to do so now. Everything hurts too much, and he's not sure how much longer he can keep himself together.

"What happened?" Logan asks as soon as he takes notice of the expression that is now on Kendall's face.

Kendall shakes his head and looks back to Katie, who doesn't even seem to be eating her breakfast, since she's moving her spoon back and forth as if lost in thought.

"Worried about Katie," he mumbles as he turns back to Logan, who hums in understanding and rubs his shoulder.

"She does seem rather distant," Logan points out.

"She has been ever since everything went down."

"I heard there's a gift shop in the hospital," Logan says after a moment of silence. "We can take her, see if there's anything we can get for Carlos."

"Do you really think that will help?"

Logan shrugs. "I think it's worth a try."

"I hope it does. I just... hate seeing her so sad all the time."

"Me too."

"When are we leaving?" James trudges into the room then, plopping down on the other side of the couch.

"After breakfast."

"I'm not hungry."

"James..."

"I'll get something at the hospital cafeteria. What's the big deal?"

"The 'big deal' is that you hardly had any dinner last night."

"Or lunch," Logan points out.

"You have to eat," Kendall says, standing up so that he's at eye-level with James.

"I will," James insists. "I'll eat at the hospital."

"Please do." Kendall looks like he wants to say more, but decides against it and goes back to his room to change.

As soon as he's gone, James turns back to Logan, who looks equally as worried as Kendall did a few seconds ago. "What?"

"You know why he's worried," Logan says quietly, digging his teeth into his bottom lip before speaking again. "You know what the doctor said about Carlos."

"I don't have an eating disorder."

Logan sighs, turning his body to face James better. "Maybe not yet," he starts, "but eating disorders don't just happen overnight, James. Anorexia, specifically... it may start with a diet, or with skipping one meal, then two, until you can barely stomach anything at all. You've hardly been eating anything since Carlos went into a coma. You've been avoiding any meal you can, and maybe you don't have an eating disorder now, but you may be headed in that direction if you're not careful."

"I think I'd know, if I ever got that far."

"That's the thing, though... Eating disorders creep up on you, and you don't always realize you have one until it's too late. You think your body can handle going without another meal, that you'll be fine, that you're in control, but the truth is that you're really not. You're not, and you shouldn't subject your body to that kind of abuse."

James swallows the lump in his throat, doing his best to remind himself to breathe, despite the fact that there seems to be a lack of oxygen in the room. He lowers himself onto the couch slowly and stares forward, unable to look straight at Logan.

"I'll try to eat better," he says, his voice shaking as he does so. "I promise."

Logan places an arm around him and lays his head against his shoulder, hugging him close. "You don't deserve to hurt yourself in any way, James. I promise you that."

James isn't sure what to say. A part of him wants to believe Logan, wants to trust that what Logan is saying is true, because he's his best friend and he would never lie to him. But at the same time, he can't shake away the feeling that if only he had tried harder, Carlos wouldn't be in a coma right now. Perhaps he would not be a hundred percent better, but he wouldn't have tried to kill himself, and he would've had him to turn to. If it wasn't for him, none of them would be hurting as much as they are now.

"Thanks, Logan," he manages to choke out.

"Okay, I'm ready." Kendall appears once again, car keys dangling in one hand, which he tosses at Logan.

"I'm just gonna get some cereal." Logan says as he stands up and makes his way to the kitchen, with Kendall following close behind.

* * *

"We're here," Logan announces as he parks at the hospital a little over thirty minutes later. He hears Katie and Kendall quickly get out of the car and turns to James, who is sitting on the passenger seat, head resting against the window. He frowns as he nudges him with his hand, waking him up almost instantly.

"What?"

"We're at the hospital," Logan tells him, moving to unbuckle his seatbelt. James follows his actions at a slower pace and gets out of the car. The two of them make their way towards the hospital entrance, with Kendall and Katie just a few steps ahead of him.

When they walk into the hospital waiting room, the only one sitting there is Mrs. Knight.

"Hey, Mom," Kendall greets her, before taking a seat on the chair beside her. "Any changes?" he asks, hoping for some kind of sign, but his heart sinks once more as his mom shakes her head.

"Not yet, sweetheart." His mother gives him a small smile and tucks a lock of hair behind his ear. "His parents are talking to the doctor right now."

"About what?"

Her smile falters and tears start to form in her eyes before she even answers. "About... the options they have."

"What does that mean?" James asks.

Kendall sends a knowing look in his direction – a look that makes his stomach churn.

"But... but he hasn't gotten any worse!"

"He hasn't gotten any better, either," Mrs. Knight says regretfully. "The doctors said it might be better to—"

"To let him die?"

"James—"

"James, you're scaring me." Katie has her hands pressed against her ears, trying to block out the scene in front of her, but nothing's working. It's all too much.

Everything's too much.

James seems to calm down at her words, a look of regret coming to his face. "Are they actually considering it?" he asks, dreading the answer as soon as he says the words out loud.

"Not for right now," Mrs. Knight says, "but they are considering it, in case he doesn't wake up soon."

"How much longer will they give him?" Logan asks, his voice breaking, hands trembling by his sides.

"I'm not sure yet. I think it depends on whether or not they see any changes."

Logan takes the seat to Kendall's right, unable to stand up much longer. His head is spinning, thoughts are racing. He feels cold all over, as if someone has just dunked a bucket of freezing water all over him.

Kendall turns to him and grasps one of his shaking hands in his own, squeezing it tightly, and motions with his other hand for Katie to come closer. She does after a moment and collapses into him, sobs wracking her smaller body.

"James," Kendall says brokenly, not really knowing what to say or do to make James feel any better. He feels helpless.

James tugs at his hair with both hands, tears stinging his eyes and blurring his vision. He sniffles and takes the empty seat beside Logan, taking the hand Kendall isn't holding and squeezing it in between both of his.

"He'll wake up," he says, unsure of whether he's saying it to make everyone else feel better or to try to convince himself that he will. "It's Carlos we're talking about... He has to."


	26. Chapter 25

"Hey, I brought you a muffin."

James looks up at the sound of Kendall's voice, his eyes landing on the blueberry muffin and bottle of apple juice that have been placed in front of him on the table. He feels his stomach sink at the sight of them, nausea making itself present. Despite this, he shoots Kendall a smile, but it vanishes once he takes a seat in front of him.

"You don't have to watch me like a hawk," he says quietly as he pinches off a small piece of the top of the muffin and brings it to his lips.

"Who said I was watching you?"

James rolls his eyes, holding back the urge to throw the muffin at Kendall's face. "You don't have to say anything. I know you."

Kendall seems to think over this for a minute, before leaning forward, with his arms pressed against the table, head in his right hand. "And I know _you_," he whispers. "I know when you're trying to hide something."

"Do you now?"

Kendall presses his lips together into a tight line. His eyes shift down to look at the table, as if he's unsure of what to say to that. "Look, James," he says slowly, while still not looking him in the eye, "I know things are hard right now, but I hope you know that you can come to us, for anything."

"I know–"

"Do you actually, though?" Kendall looks up this time, forcing James to look away.

James opens his mouth to respond, but it's as though he has forgotten every word he has ever learned, his mind going completely blank. He doesn't look up until Kendall has rested a hand on top of his, his fingers tightening around his own.

"I'm sorry," he finally manages, his voice cracking and eyes stinging. He blinks to get rid of the tears, but they keep coming and he can't do anything to stop them. Being aware of the fact that they're in the hospital cafeteria, surrounded by other people, he hides his face in his hands, wishing the earth would just swallow him whole right on the spot.

"Hey, it's okay." No sooner has Kendall said this that he's sitting right next to James, his arms wrapped tightly around him.

As much as he wants to pull away, James doesn't move away or try to get out of Kendall's grasp. Rather, he shifts his body so that he's leaning against Kendall, his head resting on his shoulder. Beside him, Kendall is whispering something in his ear, but he doesn't hear it due to his own sobs, that have him almost hyperventilating. He feels like he's choking; like everything around him is caving in on itself, and it's only a matter of time before it crushes him to pieces.

He almost hopes that it does.

"James–"

With a small gasp, James looks up at Kendall, taking in the look of fear in his green eyes. He tries to push away from him, but the hold Kendall has on him only tightens as he does this, so he allows his body to slump back into the familiar hold. His chest is still rising and falling noticeably, small beads of sweat forming on his forehead. He doesn't say anything, just tries to get his breathing back under control and allows his eyes to drift shut, even if only for a moment.

Even though Kendall doesn't say anything to him, he can feel his fingers carding through his hair, and he tries to relax against the touch. He tries to focus on that and nothing else.

"Are you okay?" Kendall asks once James' breathing is no longer coming out in harsh gasps, his hand moving from James' hair to wrap around his forearm.

"Yeah," James responds, though his eyes are still closed and his left hand is formed into a fist, clutching at Kendall's jacket. "I'm okay."

"Are you sure?"

Opening his eyes, James opens his mouth to respond. What he plans to say is, _Yes, I'm sure_, but the words catch in his throat, and what he says completely contradicts what he had been wanting to say.

"I feel like such a failure." He tears himself away from Kendall's grasp, putting at least a three-inch gap in between the two of them. "And I'm terrified. Terrified out of my mind. I mean, what if… what if Carlos doesn't get better? What if-What if he dies?"

Beside him, Kendall takes in a shaky breath and stares at his lap, his lips parting, but he says nothing. For once, the king of speeches has nothing to say.

"I'm sorry," James says after a moment of excruciating, awkward silence. "I'm just so tired."

"No."

"No?" James looks up in confusion, his eyebrows knitted tightly together. "What do you mean 'no'?"

"I mean, don't be sorry. You shouldn't be sorry. You have nothing to apologize for."

"But–"

Kendall holds up a hand to silence him and shakes his head. "You're allowed to say how you feel, James," he tells him. "Whether good or bad, you shouldn't have to hold anything back."

"Oh."

"And, you are in no way, shape or form a failure. I know it's easy to feel that way because of, well… everything, but it's not true."

James doesn't say anything – he doesn't think he'd be able to, even if he tried.

"I'm terrified, too. I don't want…" Kendall trails off then, using his left hand to wipe at his eyes. "I don't want him to die either. I mean, of course none of us want that, but… I guess now that the doctor's brought it up and his parents are starting to lose hope, it feels…"

"A lot more real?"

Kendall nods, surprised James had taken the words out of his mouth. "Yeah."

"I know what you mean. E-Every day I come in here, hoping there will be some kind of change, and every day there is none, it's like… it's like a piece of me dies. The hope just keeps shrinking and shrinking and shrinking… And I'm scared it'll keep happening, until there's none left."

Feeling a hand on his shoulder, James looks up, his heart wrenching at the look Kendall is giving him. He doesn't have to say anything for James to know that there's a war going on inside of him and that he is not as okay as he has let on for the past week.

"Thank you, for telling me."

James manages a nod, but he stays quiet. His hands, which are placed on top of the table, are shaking. He's cold all over and he feels sick, and deep down he knows it's probably a side effect of not sleeping or eating enough, but at the moment, he can't be bothered to care. His thoughts are consumed by Carlos and nothing else.

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"I know you don't want to, but… please eat something."

James opens his mouth to protest but decides against it and gives Kendall a smile. He doesn't know when something like smiling became a shield to hide the pain buried in the inside, and he doesn't know how something like eating – something that he needs _to survive_ – became such a painful and near-impossible task.

"Sure." He feels his hands tremble even harder as he reaches for the muffin and takes a bite. As soon as it's in his mouth, he feels like spitting it out, not being able to handle the texture or the taste of it. Regardless of this, he forces himself to swallow it and take another bite, knowing fully well that Kendall is watching him, even if he says that he isn't. The knowledge of that alone has his anxiety skyrocketing and does nothing to diminish the upset feeling in his stomach. He feels like he's being watched through the lens of a microscope at all times, not just by Kendall but by Logan as well. And while he knows that his friends are just doing it because they care, he can't help but think that his problems are nothing compared to the bigger problem at hand; that the one they should be worrying about is Carlos and not him.

"Where's Logan?" he asks, trying to divert the attention away from himself.

"I think he said he was going to see Carlos," Kendall replies with a shrug of his shoulders. "I think he needs some space."

"Space?"

"Yeah." Kendall frowns, his gaze shifting to the table. "I asked him if he wanted me to come along, but he said he was fine."

"Do you believe that?" James puts the muffin down, feeling even more nauseous now. He had noticed the way Logan had been distancing himself from the two of them, and while Logan had always been very introverted and independent, he knew there was more to it than that.

"Honestly?" Kendall fidgets where he's sitting, maneuvering his body so that he's facing James. "No."

"Maybe we should go check on him."

"Maybe," Kendall says, eyeing James suspiciously, "once you finish your muffin."

"But I'm full…"

Kendall sighs and runs a hand through his hair in frustration, as if unsure if he should keep pushing James or not. "You did eat more than half of it," he says after a moment, though it doesn't sound like he's satisfied. "Alright, let's go."

Though James should feel relieved, he feels a sudden pang in his chest. He can see the disappointment in Kendall's eyes, in the way his shoulders slump, defeated. He wants to say he's sorry, wants to make things okay, somehow. He wants to make him happy, but he can't, and it feels like it's all his fault.

"It's okay," Kendall says once he has stood from his seat, as if having read James' mind.

James swallows hard, grabs the remaining piece of muffin, and throws it into a nearby trashcan. He then grabs the bottle of apple juice Kendall had given him earlier, which he had yet to uncap, and stuffs it into the pocket of his jacket before following Kendall out of the cafeteria.

* * *

Logan's head is buzzing as he starts the walk to Carlos' hospital room, his mind jumping from one thought to another. He would probably be able to find his way to the room with a blindfold on by now, after being there so many times since Carlos was admitted.

When he arrives, he stands in front of the door awkwardly, unsure if he should go in or not. Carlos' parents are most likely inside, still talking to Carlos' doctor, and he doesn't want to interrupt. With a sigh, he leans against the wall beside the door and lets his back slide against it, until he's sitting on the floor. His knees are drawn up to his chest almost instantly, his arms moving to rest on top of them.

Despite it being only a little past ten in the morning, the hospital is already quite busy, with patients being wheeled past corridors and nurses and doctors rushing to aid those in need. He watches the people all around him with a blank expression on his face, his heart feeling heavy in his chest. He's torn between feeling nothing and feeling everything all at once. It's like a switch is constantly being turned on and off inside of him, and there is nothing he can do to stop it from happening.

"Logan? Sweetheart, are you okay?"

He jumps at the familiar voice, his eyes travelling upwards to meet warm brown ones. Sylvia, Carlos' mom, is standing in front of him, a concerned look on her face. He can't help but notice the bags under her eyes, the tiredness in her posture. It's as though someone has sucked all the happiness from inside her, and that realization hurts to think about, because for as long as he's known her, she has always been a cheery, heartwarming person, full of life. Now, when he looks at her, he can barely recognize the person standing there.

"I'm fine," he says as he pushes himself up on shaky legs and hugs her. "How are you?" he asks once they have parted.

At the question, her eyes flood with tears, causing him to feel instant regret. "I'm sorry." Unsure of what to do, he pulls her back into his arms, feeling her shake against his hold. He wants to do something to take away her pain – to take everybody's pain away – but he knows there's nothing he can really do.

"Logan."

This time, it's Carlos' dad who has spoken, having just emerged from inside the hospital room. His hair is disheveled, and his eyes are red-rimmed. He looks lost and absolutely heartbroken as he pulls his wife against his side, leaving Logan to stand there awkwardly.

"D-Did something happen?" He hears the unsteadiness in his own voice, can practically hear the drumming of his heart in his ears, convinced it'll beat out of his chest any second now.

Antonio, Carlos' dad, shakes his head, and Logan is unsure if he should feel relief or dread at the action.

"You can go in and see him."

"Are you sure?"

Antonio nods his head. "Yes. I think we need a break, anyway."

Logan nods in understanding and pushes the door open with one hand. He manages one soft "thank you" in return, before forcing his feet to move inside the room, the door clicking shut behind him.

Once inside, he takes a seat on the chair next to Carlos' hospital bed, after pushing it so that it's as close to the bed as possible. He grips Carlos' hand in his own, the skin feeling clammy and the hand feeling like dead-weight in his hold.

"It's day nine," he chokes out the words as he keeps his eyes on the light blue blanket covering Carlos, not wanting to look at his face. The bruising has gone down noticeably, but there are still scratches covering it from when his face hit the pavement when he was hit. "Everybody misses you and wants you to get better. You-You need to get better, alright?"

Aside from the constant beeping coming from Carlos' heart monitor, nothing but silence follows.

"Your mom and dad talked to your doctor. They… they don't know if you'll wake up. But, Carlos, you _need_ to wake up. You need to." He's crying now, tears streaming down his face at a rapid face.

Behind him, he hears footsteps nearing the bed, and then feels two hands on his shoulders. A sob disrupts the silence in the room, and it takes him a moment to realize that it came from him as he throws himself at the person behind him, holding on for dear life.

"I've got you." It's Kendall, his arms now wrapped tightly around him, holding up most of his weight. "It's okay."

"I want him t-to wake up. I _need _him to wake up. I can't–" He takes in a huge gulp of air, but it doesn't help. It feels like his lungs are on fire – like every part of him is on fire and there's nothing that will put out the flames. "I can't do this anymore."

Suddenly, there's another pair of arms around him, sandwiching him in between the person they belong to and Kendall. Logan doesn't have to look up to know it's James.

* * *

It's moments later when he finds himself sitting back on the chair beside Carlos' bed, his usually-spiked hair matted to his forehead. From the corner of his eye, he watches as James takes a seat on the chair on the other side of the bed, his expression blank and unreadable.

"You okay?" he asks, eyeing the other boy.

"I'll be okay." James doesn't look up as he says this, his eyes glued to Carlos' face, until he opens his mouth to speak again. "Are you?"

"I'm fine."

"You know," James rises from his seat and sits down on the very edge of the hospital bed, right in front of Logan, "ever since this whole thing started, you're the one who's managed to hold it together better than any of us… And I guess all I want to say is, it's okay to not be okay, Logan. No one expects you to be."

"I could say the same thing to you."

"Yeah, I know." James sighs, his arms moving to wrap around himself. "I guess we've all been… a bit distant from each other lately."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too."

"I guess I just…" Logan trails off, his shoe pressing hard against the floor to stop his knee from bouncing up and down as anxiety takes over, though the action doesn't do much to help. "I don't know. I guess I just thought I could handle it all on my own."

"You don't have to." James' voice is soft, his eyes glassy. It looks like he wants to say something else, but he doesn't, and Logan doesn't push him.

"Mom's leaving," Kendall says, suddenly appearing in the doorway with the car keys clutched in one hand. He had stepped out of the room a minute prior, when his mom had shown up. "I think I'm gonna head out, too."

James and Logan share a look, before the two of them stand up, their gazes immediately turning to Carlos.

Logan watches as James gives Carlos' hand a squeeze and then walks to where Kendall is standing near the door.

Kendall then moves to stand by Carlos' bedside, leans down, and places a kiss on Carlos' bandaged forehead. "Bye, Litos," he says softly, a stray tear slipping out of his right eye. He's quick to wipe it away as he steps back to look at Carlos one last time. "We'll be back later."

"I think I'm gonna stay," Logan says abruptly, not looking Kendall in the eye.

"Are you sure? I can stay a bit longer, if you want..."

"No." He shakes his head and forces a smile onto his face. "I'll grab a taxi back home."

Kendall heaves a heavy sigh, his left hand running through disheveled, dark blond hair. "Okay," he says uneasily, the frown on his face still present. "But call us if you need us to pick you up, okay?"

"I will."

Kendall nods and walks out of the room, with James on his heels. Logan waits until they're gone and the door has closed behind them to sit back down, moving his head to rest against Carlos' chest. He allows his eyes to drift shut then, exhaustion threatening to pull him under.

It's when he's in the verge of falling asleep that he hears it – a small groan that has him raising his head in surprise, his heart feeling as if it's beating three times as fast as normal.

He lets out a shuddery breath as his eyes turn in the direction of the noise, meeting dark brown eyes that are a shade darker than his own. For a second, he's quiet, a lump having formed in the middle of his throat. Then, without a second thought, he's pressing the call button beside the hospital bed, with tears welling up in his eyes as he lets a single word escape his lips.

"_Carlos?"_


	27. Chapter 26

He can hear voices around him, feel the weight of something lightly being pressed against his forehead, but it's for such a brief moment that he almost thinks he has imagined it. There's a voice saying something close by, and it feels like it's being said directly to him, but his brain is so fuzzy, he has trouble making out what it is that the person's saying. The voices around him sound muffled, unrecognizable. He desperately wants to say something in response, but it's as if his mouth has been glued shut. His lips don't part; no noise comes out.

It's not long before the voices around him are gone and everything goes almost completely silent. The only noise he can make out around him is that of an annoying beeping sound that won't stop, no matter how much he wishes that it would. There's no noise indicating that there is anybody around him, but he can sense the presence of someone close by, even if he can't hear or physically feel them.

There's a weight on his chest a moment later. He tries opening his mouth again, but is unsuccessful. He then tries opening his eyes, but his eyelids feel like they each weigh a ton.

Despite this, he doesn't give up.

He tries again, and again, and again. Until finally, his eyelids part slightly, and he's met with a blinding white light that forces him to close his eyes again. He leaves them closed for a few seconds, before opening them once more, this time a bit wider than before. He groans at the light coming from somewhere above him, and the weight on his chest is all of a sudden gone.

"_Carlos?_"

He recognizes that voice.

"Oh my God. Carlos—Carlos, can you hear me?"

Another groan slips past his lips. It takes him a moment, but his eyes then shift in the direction of where the voice is coming from. There, sitting beside him, is Logan, with tears rolling freely down his face.

_What's going on?_

_What happened?_

_Where am I?_

_Why are you crying?_

These are all questions he wants to ask, but no matter how hard he tries, he is unable to form one single word. Suddenly, he's very much aware of the sensation of there being something in his nose. He attempts to reach for it, but as he does, he realizes that his hand feels extremely heavy. He's only able to lift it about an inch, before the heaviness becomes too much and he's forced to put it back down.

"Hey, it's okay," Logan is saying, his hand now holding his in a gentle grip. "Everything's gonna be alright, just try not to move."

He hears voices in the distance, which soon get closer and closer. His eyes are locked on Logan's, until Logan is forced to move out of the way, his fingers slipping from Carlos'. There are now other people around him – people he does not recognize or thinks he has ever seen in his life.

"W-wh—"

"Carlos, can you hear me?" There's a woman in front of him that he can barely make out because she is holding what appears to be a flashlight in front of his eyes. "If you can hear me, can you blink twice for me, please?"

It is after a moment that he blinks twice.

"Okay, good."

The flashlight is set down, and his eyes meet dark brown ones. The woman appears to be around her late thirties, with dark brown skin and curly black hair that is pulled back in a ponytail. She gives him a small, warm smile as their eyes meet, before grabbing the chair Logan had previously been sitting on and taking a seat.

Shifting his gaze to the right, he sees another woman and a man, who are both wearing scrubs. Taking in their appearance, he realizes he must be in the hospital.

The woman sitting beside him scoots the chair closer to his side, takes the clipboard the other woman is now holding out to her, and places her hand on top of his.

"Hi, Carlos. My name is Dr. Walker. Emilia Walker," the woman says, her smile slowly fading. "You are in the hospital. Do you remember what happened? You can blink twice for 'yes' and once for 'no.'"

He blinks once, trying to take in the information she has just given him.

Dr. Walker gives his hand a small squeeze, pressing her lips tightly together. "You were in an accident nine days ago," she says after what appears to be a moment of hesitation, her voice softening. "You've been unresponsive for all of those nine days, because when the accident happened, you were hurt pretty badly. You hit your head, broke one of your legs and a couple of ribs."

She pauses then as his eyes go wide and his mouth opens and closes, but no words come out. He feels like he might be sick.

"You're getting better, and with therapy, you should be able to use your leg like before, but we need to keep monitoring you for the time being."

Despite her reassuring words, he feels his chest tighten. _If I was in an accident, then why can't I remember?_

"It might take a while for your memory to come back," she says, as if having read his mind. "Your motor skills, too, due to the blow you received to your head, as well as the fact that you just woke up from a coma. This is normal, but I can understand if you're scared."

He feels his eyes well up with tears. Everything is fuzzy and he feels disoriented. He doesn't understand what's happening – doesn't understand how he ended up here.

After asking him a few more questions and jotting down the answers on the paper attached to her clipboard, the doctor rises from her seat, her expression unreadable.

"You have family and friends that have been waiting for you to wake up. They've really missed you. Your friend, Logan, is here, and I think your parents are too. I can have them come in, if you'd like to see them."

A few seconds tick by before he blinks twice, feeling confused, lost and paralyzed by fear.

"Alright. I'll come in to check up on you in a bit, okay?" Dr. Walker says, pressing a hand to his shoulder. He watches her and the other two nurses walk out of the room, and lets his eyes drift shut for a moment.

A few minutes later, the door opens and his parents walk in, their faces looking ashen, exhausted, with blood-shot eyes and weak smiles.

* * *

Logan's hands are shaking as he exits Carlos' hospital room and reaches for his phone. His mind is reeling – this moment does not feel real. He finds Kendall's contact and calls him then, waiting impatiently for it to stop ringing and for Kendall's voice to come from the other end.

"Hello?"

"K-Kendall," he chokes out, his eyes tearing up. "Kendall, you're not gonna believe it, but Carlos—"

"What happened to Carlos?" Kendall cuts him off in a panic. "Did he—"

"Carlos is awake," Logan says tearfully. "He's awake."

"He–He _what?_"

"He woke up." Logan's surroundings become a giant blur of colors and unrecognizable shapes morphed together. He has to lean against the wall to stop his knees from giving out from underneath him.

"When? _How?_ The doctors said—"

"A few minutes ago," Logan responds. "I don't know how, but one of the doctors is inside right now."

He hears rustling in the background, followed by Kendall shouting something that's out of earshot. The background is then filled with a commotion of voices, before Kendall gets back on the phone and says, "We'd just left the hospital. We'll be right there."

"Okay," he says, before ending the call and stuffing the phone back into his pocket. He paces in front of the hospital room for a while, his hands tangled in dark brown strands of hair, feeling antsy and relieved, but also slightly shaken up. They had hoped for a miracle, and somehow, they had gotten it. It's something that's hard to process, even though he had seen Carlos awake with his own two eyes not even five minutes before.

"Logan!"

Kendall and James are rushing to his side, Carlos' parents, Katie, and Mrs. Knight following closely behind them.

"He's awake? Is it true?" Sylvia says as she comes to a stop in front of Logan, her cheeks looking damp and hands shaking in front of her.

He nods his head, unable to speak. He swallows hard, reaching for the wall again to steady himself.

The door beside him suddenly swings open, and out walk two nurses and the doctor that had entered the room when he'd been forced to wait outside. The nurses hardly glance in their direction as they walk past them to attend to other patients, but the doctor stops in front of them, clipboard in her hand.

"Hi," she says, having met them all on different occasions when Carlos' primary doctor had been gone for the day. "As I'm sure you already know, Carlos is finally awake." Her smile is wide, but there's something about it that makes Logan's heart sink in his chest.

"Can we see him?" Antonio asks, relief evident on his face.

"Of course." The smile on her face slowly vanishes, her hand moving to rest on Sylvia's shoulder when her eyes start welling up with tears. "But, before you go in there," she says, looking at Sylvia, and then at Antonio, "I want to give you both a warning." She then surveys the group of seven and smiles slightly, with her lips pressed firmly together. "Give all of you a warning."

"Is something wrong?" Logan asks, even though it's evident by her change of tone and facial expression that something is definitely wrong. "He's–He's not responsive, is he?"

"Not completely," Dr. Walker says, biting softly on her lower lip. "He can hear you and he can understand, from what I've gathered, but it seems his motor skills are taking a bit longer to function as they normally do."

"What does that mean?" James asks, his eyebrows knitting together. "He will get them back eventually… right?"

"We think so, but as it is often with these cases, nothing is known for sure quite yet."

"How long will it be until we know?" Antonio asks, his hands moving to rest on Sylvia's shoulders.

"Could be days, weeks—"

"_Weeks?_"

"I'm sorry," Dr. Walker says, and she actually does look sorry. "I know that's probably not what you were expecting to hear. But, this is normal for patients who have been in a coma, so I wouldn't worry about it too much, especially taking Carlos' age into consideration, as well as the amount of time he was in a coma. He's strong, and I'm confident he'll make a full recovery."

"Is… Is that all?" Sylvia asks, looking more shaken up by the minute.

"There's one more thing… Due to the blow Carlos received to his head, it seems he does not remember what happened. But, as with his motor skills, it could take some time for him to remember the incident."

"So, what are we supposed to do?" This time, it's Kendall who has spoken. "Act like what he did never happened? Like-like he didn't try to _kill himself_?"

"If I were you, I would just be careful with what you say to him," the doctor tells him. "And be patient with him. I know you all probably have questions about what happened, but it's best not to overwhelm him."

"Okay." Sylvia dabs at her eyes with a tissue and looks up at the doctor. "Can we see him now?"

"Yes, go ahead," she says and opens the door, allowing Sylvia and Antonio to walk inside. She turns to the others then, a forced smile coming to her face. "You can all go in after them, maybe just two or three at a time, so that he doesn't become overwhelmed."

"Thank you," Mrs. Knight says as she wraps an arm around Katie's shoulders, who is pressed to her side with her arms wrapped tightly around herself.

"Of course." The doctor smiles, before walking past them and disappearing down a corner.

* * *

"Carlos, mi amor." Carlos watches as his mom takes a seat next to his hospital bed, while his dad takes the one on the opposite side. "Baby, we're so glad you're awake. We love you so much." She's crying, tears rolling freely down her cheeks. He feels his heart constrict at the sight of them. He doesn't understand why she's crying, or what exactly happened for him to end up in the hospital, but he feels like it's somehow his fault.

"M-Ma—" He feels tears of frustration well up in his eyes, his throat tightening. "M-Mami."

His mom's eyes widen as he speaks, her hand pressing against his. He wants to reach out and wipe away the tears streaming down her face, but he only manages to give her hand a small squeeze before he too starts to cry. The tears come silently, his hand shaking where it's being held in between both of hers.

"Pa-Papi." He turns to his dad then, his other hand opening and closing multiple times before his dad gets the hint and takes ahold of it as well. "W-what—"

"You were in an accident, mijo," Antonio says, exhaling heavily. "Do you not remember any of what happened?"

Carlos shakes his head slightly, the movement making him dizzy. He licks at his dry lips and swallows hard. The tears won't stop coming. "C-car acci-dent?" he asks, his voice breaking.

Beside him, his mom lets out a sob. The hold on his hand tightens as she leans forward and presses her lips to his knuckles. "Oh, baby…"

"Something like that," Antonio says, his voice wavering, but Carlos doesn't hear him. His eyes are locked on his mother, who can't even seem to look him in the eye. He feels his stomach churn at the realization.

"Don't-Don't cry." He feels his own body quake with sobs. "M-Mami, I'm… I'm sorry."

"Mijo, it's okay," Antonio says, laying a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. "You just… you scared us." The hand on his shoulder disappears as Antonio uses it to wipe under his eyes. "We're just happy you're alive. We love you so much. We couldn't bear to lose you."

"Te amo, mi amor," his mother says, pressing her palm against his dampened cheek. "Never forget that, okay?"

He nods and watches as she stands from the chair, his dad following her lead.

"We're gonna step out for a bit so that the boys can come see you, but we'll be right back, alright?"

"O-okay," he says as he feels the hold his mom had on his hand slip away. He watches as the two of them walk out of the room, and soon, three familiar faces are standing in the doorway.

* * *

James feels frozen. He's standing behind Kendall and Logan, and it's as if all the air in his lungs has been sucked right out of his body. Carlos is there, in the hospital bed, just as he has been for the past week and two days, only this time, his eyes are open and he's saying something, or trying to say something – James isn't sure which of the two it is because this doesn't feel real. For the past nine days, he had wished that Carlos would wake up, but he didn't think that it would actually happen.

A hand all of a sudden takes ahold of his, snapping him out of his frozen state. Looking down, he realizes that it's Kendall who is holding onto him with an iron grip.

He squeezes Kendall's hand back, and then takes ahold of Logan's, before walking towards the hospital bed on wobbly legs. He feels himself sink into a chair but doesn't even remember walking towards it. He grabs Carlos' hand, his hand momentarily freezing as his fingers brush against the bandages wrapped around Carlos' wrist. He suddenly feels very nauseous and light-headed.

"Hey, buddy." Logan takes the chair on the other side of Carlos, pulling Carlos' right hand into both of his. "God, Carlos, we've missed you so much."

James is shaking, literally shaking. His knee won't stop bouncing up and down, and he feels like he's on the verge of having an anxiety attack. He doesn't know where these feelings are coming from, and he doesn't know what to think. He thought that once Carlos woke up, he would be happy and relieved – and of course he is – but he also feels extremely on-edge and petrified.

He jumps slightly in his seat as two hands come into contact with his shoulders. He's about to turn around when Kendall kneels down next to his chair, using his thumb and index finger to turn James' head in his direction.

"Hey, you okay?" he whispers, his eyes locked with James'.

James opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out. Instead, he lets out a dry sob and throws himself into Kendall's unawaiting arms, gasping for air, even though the room seems to be empty of it.

"It's okay," Kendall says in his ear, his hand rubbing up and down James' back. "It's okay, just breathe."

He tries to do as Kendall says, but he feels like he has lost touch with reality. The room around him is rapidly caving in on him.

"J-James."

He freezes and slowly turns in the direction of the voice, where Carlos is staring at him with a pained expression on his face.

"It's–it's okay, James," he says as a tear rolls down his cheek and onto his hospital gown. "I'm… I'm okay."

But he's _not_ okay. He's so far from okay, and James knows it.

"Carlos." He detaches himself from Kendall's body, blindly finds his way back into the chair, his chest feeling tight and head feeling heavy. His hand finds Carlos' again, his fingers tightening around his knuckles. "I'm... I'm sorry, Los."

Carlos shakes his head, his gaze moving towards the ceiling and away from any of them. The room is quiet for a moment, before Carlos turns back to look at him, his eyes wet and red. "I'm sorry," he chokes out. "I-I never meant… I never meant to hurt a-any of you."


	28. Chapter 27

"I'm really worried about him." Kendall's voice is almost a whisper as his eyes lock on James' barely-visible figure underneath two blankets. He's fast asleep on Kendall's bed, dark brown hair matted to his forehead. He's finally asleep, which is something that Kendall's grateful for. Getting him to fall asleep had not been easy, even though Kendall could only imagine that after the day that they had had, he had been left feeling utterly exhausted.

They had spent most of the day at the hospital, taking turns watching over Carlos, who still couldn't remember how he had ended up there in the first place.

He swallows hard and turns to Logan, who is sitting beside him on his bed, their shoulders pressed together, as there isn't a lot of room on top of it.

"Me too," Logan responds, his hands clasping together on his lap, nails digging into his knuckle. "Carlos too."

Kendall reaches over, gently pries Logan's hands apart, and grips one of them with his own.

Logan says nothing, his hand going limp in Kendall's hold.

"He'll get better," Kendall says, his fingers tightening around Logan's.

Logan nods inaudibly and leans further against Kendall, his head moving to rest against his shoulder. Kendall doesn't even budge at the action, even though this is unusual for Logan. He's not the type of person to look for physical contact, even in moments of distress. If anything, he's the kind of person who runs away from it. Kendall can be like that sometimes too. He doesn't seek being comforted, not because he doesn't want it, but because he's usually the one doing the comforting.

"I'm tired," Logan says quietly, and Kendall doesn't doubt that for a moment. He can hear the exhaustion in Logan's voice, feel it in his very presence – in the way he's now fully leaning against Kendall, eyes only slightly open.

"Get some sleep," he whispers, his grip on Logan's hand loosening.

"I don't want to."

"Why not?"

Logan lets out a shaky sigh. "I don't want— I don't want something bad to happen while I'm asleep."

"Nothing's gonna happen, Logie," Kendall says, his heart aching at Logan's words. "I'm gonna be right here. If anything happens, I'll wake you up. But nothing's gonna happen."

Logan's silent for a moment. "You should get some sleep too," he tells him, his head moving slightly to look over at him.

He wants to argue that, no, he won't be able to sleep, and he refuses to sleep when James and Logan both need him, but he doesn't. Instead, he plasters a small smile on his face and pats Logan's leg. "I will," he says, feeling Logan relax against him.

"Okay."

Kendall watches Logan as he detaches himself from him and lays down on the bed, rolling onto his left side, so that his back is facing Kendall. Silence fills the room for a moment, making him think that Logan's fallen asleep, until he whispers, "Goodnight, Kendall."

Kendall smiles, despite the heaviness in his chest, and gives Logan's arm a soft pat. "Goodnight, Logie."

The tears don't fall until Logan's breathing has evened out, coming out in soft puffs of air that are barely audible to Kendall's ears. He tries to suppress them, his teeth digging into his bottom lip, fearing that a sob might slip out and awaken either Logan or James.

Feeling like he can't hold it in much longer, he forces his body off of the mattress, careful to make as little noise as possible, and slips out of the room and into the living room. He thinks he'll finally get the chance to be alone, to be able to cry without the fear of worrying anyone, but he's wrong.

He's only taken a couple of steps into the living room when he realizes that there is a silhouette of someone sitting on a bar stool at the island in the kitchen. He thinks about turning back around and locking himself in the bathroom, or maybe even going into James and Carlos' room to be alone, but he decides against it when he recognizes the small frame, hunched over, shoulders shaking.

"Katie?" He whispers Katie's name when he's only a few feet away from her, not wanting to scare her.

Katie's shoulders stop shaking, the small whimpers that he had managed to catch for a couple of seconds coming to a stop.

"Y-Yeah?"

"Hey." He takes a seat on the bar stool across from hers, taking in her appearance, even though the kitchen is almost completely drenched in darkness. The only light in the kitchen comes from a small light that's connected to the wall, but it's enough to see the tear tracks running down Katie's cheeks and the redness that is present in her eyes.

"Are you okay?" he asks, reaching with a hand to wrap it around her arm.

She pulls her arm away and shakes her head, a shaky sigh slipping out. "Yes," she says and starts to rub at her eyes. There's a pause, before she follows it with, "I-I don't know."

"Do you wanna talk?"

"What is there to say?"

Kendall shrugs. "I'll listen to whatever it is that you have to say."

Katie seems to think over this for a second, before replying. "I just miss him. That's all."

"It's okay to miss him."

Katie nods and swallows. "Do you really think he'll get better?" she asks. "When I went to see him today, with Mom, he didn't remember what had happened."

"It might be like that, for a while."

"But—" Katie frowns, "—how can he not remember anything?"

Kendall doesn't know what to say. He doesn't really understand it himself, the way that Carlos could do something like attempt to take his own life, and then not remember a single thing about it. The doctor had explained that that's what happened sometimes when it came to situations like this, but he still didn't fully understand it. And the worst part of it was that they couldn't help Carlos, since they didn't know how he had ended up here to begin with.

"I don't know, Katie," he says honestly, pulling both of his hands into his lap. "I wish I could give you an answer, but I don't know."

"I know," she says, looking away from him. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry." Kendall frowns and reaches for her, his frown deepening when Katie pulls away again. "Katie—"

"I'm fine," she says in response, though her voice is so quiet that Kendall almost doesn't catch it. "I think I'm gonna go back to bed, try to get some sleep."

"You don't seem okay," Kendall tells her but doesn't budge from where he's sitting. "I mean it," he adds, as seconds tick by and Katie says nothing in response, "when I said that you can talk to me about anything."

"I know," Katie finally says, looking up at him with teary, bloodshot eyes. "Thank you."

Kendall watches as Katie pushes herself off the barstool and starts to make her way in the direction of the bedroom she shares with her mom. She has only taken a few steps in that direction when she stops abruptly and turns back around.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" she asks, padding back towards the island, arms wrapping around herself.

"Came to get a glass of water," Kendall lies, plastering on the best fake smile he can muster. "My throat was feeling kind of dry."

Katie raises an eyebrow at his response, as if not truly believing him. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

Katie's quiet for a moment, but then says a quiet "okay" in response, catching Kendall off guard when she wraps her arms around him, pulling him into a hug.

Kendall has to swallow hard and close his eyes as he hugs her back, doing his best to suppress the tears that so desperately want to escape.

It feels like minutes tick by before Katie finally pulls away.

"Goodnight, big brother," she says, before turning back around and making her way to her bedroom.

"Goodnight, baby sister," Kendall whispers back, too afraid to speak any louder because there is now a lump in his throat, and he doesn't think he can keep the tears in any longer.

Deciding that crying in the middle of the kitchen, where everyone can see him, is too risky of a move, he makes his way to Carlos and James' room, his legs feeling as though they're made out of rubber. He tries to be as quiet as possible as he turns the doorknob and pushes the door open, closing it once he's inside. He knows he shouldn't be in here – knows that seeing Carlos' stuff will only make him feel even worse – but he's beyond caring.

The lump in his throat throbs as he takes a seat on the edge of Carlos' bed, before lying down and curling in on himself. He's about to pull the pillow towards him to muffle his cries, but stops as his fingers make contact with something solid that was underneath the pillow. He feels his heart stop as his fingers curl around the small object made out of metal, sharp edge digging into one of his fingers.

He feels sick.

Drawing his hand back, he stares at the razor that's in it through the small amount of moonlight seeping in through the bedroom curtains. He can't stop the sob that slips past his lips at the sight of it, tears now blurring the image in front of him. The lump in his throat has grown even bigger, if that's even possible. He feels light-headed and nauseous and like the contents of the meal he'd had for dinner are gonna come spilling back out.

"Kendall?"

His head snaps towards the bedroom doorway, where the door is now slightly open, Logan's head peeking in through the small opening.

"I woke up and you were gone." He pauses and walks inside the room, the door clicking shut behind him. "What's wrong?" he asks, his voice sounding unsteady.

Kendall looks down as Logan steps closer, coming to a stop in front of him.

"Is that…?"

All he can do is nod.

"Where–Where did you find that?"

Kendall takes in a sharp gulp of air, releasing it a second later in a shaky breath. "It was under his pillow," he says, his eyes not leaving the piece of metal in his hand.

Logan takes a seat beside him and stares at him for a moment, before saying, "We should throw it out."

Kendall nods and moves to throw it out in the bathroom, but stops in his tracks. "Where? I don't want James to find it."

"Maybe in the kitchen trash can?" Logan suggests. "I doubt he'll find it there."

"Okay."

He walks to the kitchen on shaking legs, wraps the razor blade in paper towels, just to be safe, and throws it into the trash can there. For a moment, he just stands there, his head throbbing, aching. The nausea has subsided a bit, but the lightheadedness is still present.

"Come on," Logan says and takes a hold of his arm, pulling him in the direction of their bedroom. Kendall follows him, almost blindly, his heart aching, legs threatening to give out from underneath him.

He doesn't really remember much of what happens after that. He's aware of the fact that they end up back on the bed at one point, his head tucked under Logan's chin, body shaking, Logan's own tears falling into his hair. All he can do is cling to Logan as his pulse thrums loudly in his ears, causing the aching in his head to intensity.

* * *

When Logan awakens, it's to the sound of birds chirping outside the window and light pouring into the room, illuminating everything in a golden glow. The first thing he notices is that Kendall's no longer lying next to him on the bed and, to his surprise, James is no longer asleep in Kendall's bed either.

He can feel the beginning of a migraine starting to come to him, but he ignores it as he rolls out of bed, slips on his shoes, and makes his way to the bathroom.

As he enters the living room a few minutes later, the sweet smell of coffee and toast greets him, making his stomach growl.

"Good morning, honey," Mrs. Knight says as he pads into the kitchen and takes a seat on a barstool. "Are you hungry?"

"A bit," he says, taking notice of the fact that there's no one else in sight. "Where's everyone?"

"Antonio and Sylvia left for the hospital a little while ago," she says, handing him a plate with a couple of slices of toast in it, along with scrambled eggs. "James went with them. Katie and Kendall are… somewhere."

Just as she finishes saying this, Kendall slips out of the hallway bathroom and into the living room, towel draped over his neck, hair a tousled mess.

"Morning, Logie," he says, taking the seat beside him.

"Morning," he responds, frown coming to his face. "Are you okay?" he asks, his voice dropping so that Kendall's the only one who catches his question.

Kendall shrugs his shoulders, not turning to face him. "I have a headache," he admits, as he rests his arms on the counter, head following soon after. Small droplets of water slide from his hair onto its surface.

"I do, too," Logan says, before taking a bite out of one of the slices of toast.

Kendall lifts his head at this, his eyes boring into Logan.

"What is it?" Logan asks, turning towards him.

"I'm… sorry about last night," Kendall says, his voice a whisper.

"You don't have to be sorry about that," Logan tells him, reaching with a hand to squeeze at Kendall's arm. "It was a bad night." He pauses and lets his slice of toast fall back on the place, a soft sigh slipping past his lips. "Things have been bad for over a week."

Kendall nods solemnly, letting his head fall back against his arm, left cheek pressing against it. "Thank you," he says, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Honey, are you hungry?" Mrs. Knight asks as she appears in front of them, a plate like the one she gave Logan in one hand.

Kendall looks hesitant as he grabs it from her hands, giving his mom a small "thank you" in response.

Logan watches him as he stabs at his scrambled eggs with his fork, pushing the toast out of the way.

"Did James eat anything?" Logan asks, his throat suddenly feeling really dry. "Before he left, I mean."

"A bit," Kendall says, bringing the fork up to his lips. "Said he wasn't very hungry."

Logan's frown deepens at this. His appetite is slowly vanishing, his stomach twisting up in knots. He knows so much about anorexia – knows about the kind of effects it can have on the human body, knows about how damaging and self-destructive it can be. And he _knows_ that James isn't there yet. He _knows_ it's only been a few days, but his mind keeps going back to Carlos, lying on the hospital bed, malnourished, skinnier than he has ever seen him.

The signs were there. They'd been there for months, now that he thinks about it, and yet, with all the knowledge he has about the disease, he couldn't see it happening.

His best friend was falling apart, killing himself little by little. He _should have_ seen it coming.

"Logan, are you okay?" Kendall asks, snapping him out of his thoughts.

He swallows hard and pushes the plate away from him, his appetite now completely gone. "Yeah," he says after a moment of hesitation, then slowly adds, "I'm just not very hungry myself."

"You should eat a bit more," Kendall tells him, so he pulls the plate towards him again and grabs the fork with his hand.

He can feel Kendall's gaze digging into him as he forces a forkful of scrambled eggs into his mouth. It doesn't taste much like anything. He wants to spit it out.

* * *

It's over half an hour later when they're piling into Mrs. Knight's car, Katie taking the passenger's seat and Logan and Kendall taking the back. From where he's sitting with his head resting against the window, he can hear the soft humming of the radio playing some kind of indie song he doesn't recognize. He wishes the soft melody was enough to silence the thoughts swarming around in his head.

He doesn't notice when his leg starts bouncing up and down repeatedly, his nails digging into the fabric of his jeans, until Kendall rests a hand on top of his knee, grabbing his attention.

"What?"

"What's wrong?" Kendall asks, his eyebrows knitting together, as if he's trying to figure out what's actually going on just by looking at him.

"What do you mean?"

"Something's wrong," Kendall says. "Ever since our talk this morning, I noticed that something's wrong. Something happened."

"Oh." Logan's gaze falls to his lap. "It's nothing."

"Come on, Logie," Kendall whispers. "I know you. I know when something's wrong, and for you to be acting like this… it's not nothing."

"Nothing I can do about it now."

"Nothing you can do about what?"

Logan sighs, letting the back of his head hit the carseat's headrest. "James… Carlos. All of it."

"Okay…" He's not looking at Kendall, but he can hear the frown present in his voice. "What exactly do you mean by that?"

"I didn't see it coming." He blinks the tears away from his eyes, brushes away the one that manages to escape with the back is his hand. "Carlos' eating disorder. I didn't see it coming."

"None of us did," Kendall says, his voice sounding choked. "None of us saw any of this coming."

"Yeah, but… I _should_ have. I'm–I'm the future doctor. I should have seen what was happening right in front of me… but I didn't."

"Logie," Kendall stretches his arm towards him, placing it around his shoulders, "we're going to figure this out. I promise. But this isn't your fault."

Logan doesn't reply as he stares forward, his eyes meeting dark brown ones. 'I'm okay,' he mouths to Katie, who is staring at him with tears swimming in her eyes. A small smile tugs at his lips as she reaches for him, her smaller fingers wrapping around the hand he has now stretched out. '_We're_ okay.'

_Or, at least, I hope we will be._


	29. Chapter 28

As they exit the BTR mobile, Kendall falls into step with Katie, who has her head down as she walks. Her arms are wrapped tightly around her smaller body, as if she's trying to shield herself from everything that's going on around her.

"Hey, Katie," Kendall says, nudging her softly with his elbow. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," Katie mutters but does not look up at him.

Beside her, Kendall frowns. He looks behind him to see his mom whispering something in Logan's ear, her arm wrapping around him. He watches as Logan smiles slightly and nods in return, and then turns back to Katie.

"Hey, I was thinking… There's a gift store inside the hospital. I passed by it the other day. If you want, we can go pick out something for Carlos."

"Something?" Katie asks and raises an eyebrow. "Something like what?"

Kendall shrugs. "Not sure, but we can go see what they have inside. I'm sure there has to be something that Carlos will like."

At this, a small smile starts to grow on Katie's face. "Okay," she says and grabs at his arm, pulling him towards the hospital entrance.

Kendall lets her pull him along but stops once they're inside. "Wait! We should wait for Logan, and probably look for James too. Maybe they'll want to get him something, too."

Once they tell Logan about their plan, they go looking for James together. They go to the waiting room first, but neither James nor Carlos' parents are there, and when they peek through Carlos' hospital room to check if he's inside, only Antonio and Sylvia are there.

"Where could he be?" Logan asks as they turn away from Carlos' room and head in the direction of the cafeteria.

"Don't think he'll be there," Kendall says, but Logan keeps walking in that direction.

"We might as well try."

They're almost to the cafeteria when they find James standing in front of a vending machine, his eyes locked on the bags of chips and chocolate bars that are inside it.

"James!" Kendall calls out as they near him.

Hearing Kendall call his name, James looks away from the vending machine and attempts to send a smile in his direction. "Hey."

"Hey. We've been looking for you everywhere," Kendall says and eyes the vending machine. "Were you gonna get something?"

James squirms uncomfortably at the question and stares down at the ground. "I was just looking," he mumbles, hugging himself. "When did you guys get here?"

"Like twenty minutes ago," Kendall says, sharing a worried glance with Logan when James steps away from the vending machine. "We were gonna go to the gift shop to look for something for Carlos. We were wondering if you wanted to come."

James presses his lips together and forces his lips up into a smile. "Sure."

"Are you not gonna get anything?" Logan asks just as James takes a step towards them.

"I, uh. I'm not very hungry right now."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." James sighs and brushes past Kendall. "I'm fine."

Kendall stares after him, unconvinced. He turns to Logan then, who has his bottom lip in between his teeth. As he's looking at Logan, he feels a hand clutch at his. He looks down to find Katie staring up at him. A lone tear slips out of her eye, but she's quick to wipe it away with her other hand.

Swallowing hard, Kendall gives Katie's hand a squeeze and starts following James, pulling Katie along with him.

"James, you're going the wrong way," Kendall practically shouts, causing James to stop in his tracks.

"Oh." James turns around slowly and walks back to where Kendall and Katie are. "Sorry."

"It's over here," Kendall says, pressing his free hand to James' back. He tries to ignore the way James flinches at his touch, but a lump starts to grow in the back of his throat.

He guides James, Logan and Katie towards an elevator and presses the button for the third floor.

"It's on the third floor?" Logan asks, to which Kendall gives him a strange look.

"Yeah, why?"

"How did you even find it?"

"By… going to the third floor?"

"Yeah, but what were you doing there?"

Kendall opens his mouth to respond, but as he does, the elevator dings and the doors open.

"Is this pediatrics?"

"I think so."

Logan cocks his head to the side. "What were you doing in pediatrics?"

"Just walking around," Kendall says, shrugging his shoulders. "I wanted to see what the other floors were like."

"Really?"

Kendall sighs. "No. It was during a bad day, and I needed to clear my head."

Logan nods in response and follows Kendall as he turns a corner, James and Katie walking closely behind them.

"Where are we going?" James asks, not seeing the gift shop anywhere in sight.

"It's just around the other corner," Kendall says. And sure enough, as they turn the next corner, they bump into it.

"Oh wow, this store is bigger than I thought it would be," James says as they step foot inside. His hand grazes a small, brown teddy bear that's near the entrance. A heart that says "Get Well Soon!" is in between the bear's paws.

"Carlos would love a teddy bear," he comments but walks away from it. "Not this one, though."

"They have a lot of those," Kendall says and nods towards the back of the gift store, where there is a wall lined up with shelves that contain stuffed animals in them.

Katie's eyes light up at the sight of them, and before the other boys can even take a step in the stuffed animals' direction, she's already halfway to them.

"This one is so cute!" she says, grabbing a stuffed koala from the shelf.

Kendall chuckles at the sight of it.

"That's perfect, Katie," he says and takes the koala from Katie's hands. "Carlos would definitely love this."

"You think it'll cheer him up?" Katie asks as she looks up at him.

Kendall's smile falters a little but he nods his head. He presses his hand to the top of Katie's head and ruffles her hair lightly. "I'm sure that it will, baby sister." He hands the koala back to Katie and takes a hold of her hand. "Now I'm gonna try to pick something for him. Do you wanna help me?"

Katie nods her head and follows him as he makes his way to some snow globes that are sitting on a table. "These are cool," he says as he grabs a snow globe and turns it over. It's one of a yellow, scruffy-looking puppy, wearing a blue scarf. "Do you think he'll like this?" he asks, showing Katie the snow globe.

Katie grabs it from his hand and inspects it for a moment, before handing it back to him. "Definitely. Carlos loves dogs."

"Hey, guys, I found a card," James says, walking back to where Kendall and Katie are. He shows the card to the both of them, which has balloons that read "You are loved" on the front. "I was thinking we could sign it. Maybe even have Kelly and Gustavo sign it, too, and maybe some of the Palm Woods residents."

"We could," Kendall says with a sad smile. "It might put a smile on his face to see how much people love and miss him."

"Maybe it would make him see that people care," James says quietly, his shoulders slumping. "What did you find?"

"Oh, this?" Kendall hands the snow globe over to James.

"That's cute," James says, as he turns it over.

A moment later, Logan appears, hugging three books to his chest.

"You got Carlos books?" James says, chuckling lightly.

"They're not books to read," Logan tells him and shows him the covers.

Kendall grabs one of them, snatching it from Logan's hands. "A… crossword puzzle?"

"Yes."

"And…" James pauses as he stretches his neck to see the other two books that Logan is holding. "A word search and sudoku?"

"What?" Logan asks. "It'll keep him entertained."

"That's so… Logan of you." Kendall smirks.

"Logan of me?"

"Yes… nerdy."

Logan frowns, taking the crossword puzzle book from Kendall's hands. "There is nothing wrong with being nerdy."

"We never said there was," Kendall says and holds up his hands in defense.

"You thought it."

"You don't know that."

Logan gives him a knowing look.

"Aww, Logie, I'm teasing. I'm sure Carlos will be grateful."

Logan shakes his head and heads for the register.

"Come on, Katie," Kendall says and guides Katie to the register as well.

James steps forward, as if to follow them, but stops as something in a small rack catches his eye. He takes a step towards it and grabs it, before following the other three.

* * *

When they step into Carlos' room a few minutes later, his parents are no longer inside the hospital room and Carlos is sleeping soundly.

Trying to be as quiet as possible, Logan takes the seat on one side of his hospital bed and watches as Katie takes the other. James and Kendall stand awkwardly near the foot of the bed, Kendall with his arms crossed over his chest, and James with his hands stuffed into his jeans' pockets.

"Should we just leave the gifts here?" he asks, staring up at James and Kendall.

James shrugs his shoulders in response. Kendall shakes his head and walks over to the small white table beside Carlos' bed. He places his bag, containing the snow globe that he bought, on it, and then turns to Carlos' still form.

"I mean, I guess we could, but I kind of wanted to give them to him when he was awake."

"Me too," Katie says from where she's sitting. "We should wait."

Logan and James both nod their heads in response but don't say anything. For a moment, the only sound that fills the room is the constant beeping of the heart monitor to the right of Carlos' bed. Then, Logan stands, offering the empty seat to James, and he starts pacing around the room.

"Logan."

Logan stops pacing as Kendall blocks his path. He swallows hard, his eyes locked on the white tiles on the floor, and blinks continuously.

"What?"

"What's wrong?" Kendall asks, his words nothing but a whisper.

Letting out a heavy sigh, Logan steps forward, his eyes still not meeting Kendall's, and wraps his arms around him, catching Kendall off-guard. For a few seconds, Kendall just stands there, motionless, unsure of what to do with his arms. But as he feels Logan's smaller frame begin to shake, he hugs him back, holding him in place.

"Hey, just take a deep breath, okay? Everything's gonna be okay," Kendall whispers, meeting James' worried gaze. He can feel Logan shake his head against his shoulder, his arms tightening around Kendall. Unsure of what else to do, he rubs small circles against Logan's back and doesn't step away until Logan does.

When Logan does step back, his eyes are red, but there are no traces of tears on his face. He still refuses to meet Kendall's eyes, or anyone's eyes for that matter. From where he's standing, however, Kendall can see the tears gathered in his eyes and the way his hands tremble by his sides. He wants to reach out and pull Logan back into a hug, but before Kendall can even take a step forward, Logan has taken a few steps back.

It's not long before he's opening the door, stepping out, and closing it behind him.

James makes a move, as if to stand up, but Kendall holds a hand up and steps forward. "I'll go after him," he says, to which James nods inaudibly.

Kendall wastes no time in stepping out of the room. He stops abruptly, though, as his eyes land on Logan, who is sitting on the floor, curled in on himself, with his head pressed against his knees.

"Hey," he whispers, sitting down beside him.

Logan doesn't say anything for a moment, his body motionless. Looking worried, Kendall places a hand on his shoulder, his heart sinking when Logan slightly flinches at his touch.

"Logie, talk to me."

More silence.

"I know you don't want to, but if you do, I'm all ears."

Slowly, Logan raises his head, his teeth digging into his bottom lip. "There's nothing to talk about," he says, and then turns away, staring off into space, which does not lessen the feelings of worry brewing inside Kendall.

"What do you mean?" Kendall asks, his eyebrows furrowing together.

Logan sighs and turns back to face him. "It's exactly what it means."

"You broke down for a reason."

"Yes." Logan stands up and closes his eyes for a moment, before continuing to speak. "But it's nothing you can fix."

"You haven't even told me what it is yet."

"You can't fix everything, Kendall," Logan chokes out, blinking rapidly as a lone tear starts to roll down the side of his face. "I know you want to, but you can't."

Kendall looks away, his arms wrapping around his knees. "I know I can't," he whispers, and suddenly, there are tears swimming in his eyes too, "but I want to help."

"Sometimes," Logan starts, as he looks down at Kendall, "sometimes just having you here is enough."

"It's not enough," Kendall mutters under his breath, but he says it so quietly that Logan doesn't even catch it. He looks up at Logan, who has his arms extended towards him, and takes his hands, letting him pull him to his feet.

Without saying anything, Kendall pulls Logan back into a hug and rests his head against his shoulder. He sighs softly and closes his eyes, his heart aching.

It's not until after a few seconds pass that he starts speaking.

"What happened, it's not your fault," he whispers against Logan's ear.

Logan tenses up against him but doesn't respond.

"If the reason you broke down is because of what you mentioned in the car earlier, you need to know that."

Logan sniffles and burrows his head against the crook of Kendall's neck, his body shaking. His arms move from where they're hanging motionless at his sides to wrap around Kendall, his fingertips digging into the fabric of his jacket.

"I just want things to go back to normal," he says, his voice shaking.

"Me too," Kendall whispers and starts to slowly pull away.

Suddenly, the door to Carlos' room opens and James pokes his head out, his eyes falling on Kendall, and then on Logan.

"Is everything okay?" he asks, to which Logan nods his head.

"Yeah," Logan says as he detaches himself from Kendall. "Everything is fine."

James nods, looking unconvinced, and steps out of the room. "Carlos woke up," he tells them. "Thought the two of you would wanna know."

At this, Kendall takes a step towards the door, but then stops to look back at Logan, who is just staring after him. He has made no move to follow him.

He gives Logan a small smile and holds out his hand, which Logan takes hesitantly. "Come on," he says quietly, and pulls him towards the entrance, while James holds the door open for them.

Carlos is staring at them as they walk in, one of his hands held in between both of Katie's.

Feeling Logan give his hand a small tug, Kendall looks back at him and let's go of his hand. He gives Logan's arm a small pat and moves to stand on the other side of Carlos' bed.

"Hey, Los," he says quietly, a lump beginning to form in the middle of his throat. "How are you feeling, buddy?"

"Tired," Carlos responds, his eyes only halfway open. He attempts to lift his hand from where it's resting on the bed, but lets it fall back down when it has risen about an inch. A sigh escapes his lips. "What's in the bag?" he asks, nodding slightly in the direction of the bag beside his bed.

Kendall follows his gaze and grabs the bright blue bag from the table. "This one?"

Carlos nods.

"We stopped by the gift store on the way here," he says and takes out the snow globe. He moves to place the snow globe in Carlos' hand, but stops as his eyes fall on it, the smile on his face disappearing. He had forgotten Carlos was probably too weak to hold it by himself.

Forcing the smile back onto his face, he holds the snow globe near Carlos' face. "See? It has a puppy inside it."

"It's-It's so cute," Carlos says, as he watches the fake snow inside the snow globe fall over the scruffy puppy. "Thank you."

"I'm glad you liked it," Kendall says, and places the snow globe back on the table, but this time outside the bag.

The next one to step forward is James, who has a beaded bracelet in one hand. "I got you this bracelet," he says, holding it up for Carlos to see. It has orange, purple and green beads in it. "I know it's not much, but I saw it had your favorite colors, so I thought you might like it."

"I-I love it," Carlos says, his eyes beginning to fill up with tears. "Can… Can you put it on?"

"Of course."

As Katie rises from her seat to grab her gift bag, James takes her place and takes Carlos' hand in his.

From where he's sitting, Kendall can see James' hands shaking as he slips the bracelet on Carlos' wrist. He looks away as Katie sits back down, pulling the stuffed koala out of her bag.

"I got you this koala," Katie says and grabs Carlos' hand, placing it on top of the stuffed animal. "I thought that you could hug it… whenever you feel scared or alone. Not that you should feel alone, because we're all here for you… We love you, so much more than you know."

Carlos barely manages to mouth the words "thank you" before the tears in his eyes start to roll down his cheeks, dampening the collar of his hospital gown.

"Carlos, are you okay?" Kendall asks, squeezing Carlos' hand. With the hand that he has free, he reaches for a tissue from the table and starts to dry the tears on Carlos' face.

"I'm-I'm okay," Carlos manages, his breathing coming out sharper than normal.

"Are you sure? I can call a nurse."

"No. I'm… fine."

Wordlessly, Kendall nods and watches him for a moment, until Carlos' breathing has gone back to normal. Then he turns around to face Logan, who is standing a few feet away, and motions with his hand for him to get closer.

It takes a few seconds for Logan to finally force his feet to move forward. He reaches for the bag he had set on the floor, next to Carlos' bed, and pulls out the books that he had gotten for him at the gift shop.

Kendall stands up, leaving the chair empty for Logan.

Giving Kendall a wobbly smile, Logan takes the offered seat and tries his best to keep the smile on his face for Carlos' sake as he turns to face him.

"My gifts aren't quite as interesting as theirs," he says, motioning to Kendall, James and Katie, "but I got you some books that I thought might keep you entertained for a bit. I-I know you can't use them right now, but maybe when you feel a bit stronger you can." He shows Carlos' the books, and then sets them beside Kendall's snow globe.

Carlos presses his lips together, attempting to smile at Logan. He begins to slowly open and close his hand.

Taking the hint, Logan slips his hand into his, rubbing small circles against his skin.

"You've been c-crying," Carlos says, his eyes growing sad. "Is it… Is it because of me?"

"I…" Logan falters, unsure of what to say. "It's not because of you, Los."

"Then… what is it?"

Logan opens his mouth to respond, but nothing comes out. He turns to Kendall and James for help, feeling like a deer caught in headlights.

"Logan's just tired," Kendall says, stepping closer. He places his hands on top of Logan's shoulders, squeezing them lightly. "We're all a bit tired."

Carlos' eyebrows knit together. Kendall can practically see the wheels turning in his head.

"Maybe you should go home and sleep?"

"That's probably a good idea," Kendall says, his eyes meeting the others'. "We probably should go home for a little while."

As Logan and Katie rise from their seats, Kendall turns back to Carlos. "Do you want me to tell your mom and dad to come back inside?" he asks, not wanting to leave Carlos by himself.

Carlos seems to think over it for a moment, before shaking his head. "No. I think… I think I'm going to take a nap."

"Are you sure? They can stay in here with you in the meantime."

"I'm okay... Thank you."

"Okay."

After sharing a worried glance with Logan and James, Kendall steps towards Carlos and gives him a small hug. James, Logan and Katie do the same, before the four of them slip out of the room and back into the hallway.

* * *

As soon as the door has closed behind them, Carlos' eyes fill up with tears again, soft sobs causing his body to shake with their force. He squeezes the stuffed koala Katie got him with as much strength as he can muster, his chest feeling tight.

He wants to close his eyes. He wants to let the exhaustion weighing him down take over. Every time he does, though, images flash in his mind, of a car speeding towards him, other cars honking, the sound of an ambulance approaching, right before everything turns into a pitch black.


End file.
